This man is on fire.

But, before I go on to cover a pair of this week’s Marvelous works from Matty Frac, let’s talk about sex — Sex Criminals, that is. Just trying to explain this indie gem from Image is freaky enough (you should see the faces on some of my coworkers), never mind the actual read.

Never a dull moment in the VIP room at Hemmingway’s, that’s for sure.

The hypnotic, less scandalous than you’d imagine comic is as stated: what if you had the power to freeze time with a.. uh.. well.. *gulp* orgasm*? Before this article gets too 50 Shades of Moody on ya, I’d be lying to the congregation if I didn’t admit having such thoughts (or powers!) But…onto the comic, yes? Uh, get it?

Onto.
The.
Comic.

Ick is right. Sex Criminals is sort of like “what would you do with a million dollars?” topics except it’s more “what’s the damn best way to obtain a million dollars?”

Sex! Of course.

These freakypages offer more sentiment than you’d think, also. If you can see past the title and the whimsical images on the cover, Sex Criminals is an intelligent, surprisingly relatable yarn. There’s a damn good reason why Suzie does why she does (although it’s “barely legal”), and there’s no doubt tons of geeks are going to shout out “that’s me!” with Jon’s everyday rage (only without his power, though, weirdo). And the comic has Sex Cops. Say that again right along with me now…

Sex Criminals #1-#4 = 3.75 (out of 5).. Sex Criminals Comics?

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GTA V will never look better.

(For you PlayStation buffs out there, we will soon have our PS4 system and game reviews/outlooks in the coming week, courtesy of our Cardinal, among others.)

“Reverend” Joe Rivera: Moody, after dicing up enemy soldiers 300-(albeit, QTE)-style in Ryse: Son of Rome, and of course, owning your ass at the new, reimagined Killer Instinct, there is no doubt that I am excited for the next-gen console. I just can’t believe it’s almost Nov. 22nd. I mean, it feels like only yesterday that we were streaming the unveiling while trying to conceal nerd boners! Haha!

What game are you planning on picking up as to pop the cherry on your Xbox One? Me, I cannot wait to play Dead Rising 3. I was a huge fan of the series, especially playing as Frank West slaughtering zombies with all sorts of makeshift weapons. It’ll be nice to see the latest Capcom title take it to the next level.

“Monsignor” Travis Moody: As far as Microsoft exclusives go, yes, Joe, Dead Rising 3 is without a doubt the sure-shot. That game looks so good (and has garnered some pretty solid reviews this morning, unlike any exclusives from PS4), that it might just be the Deal One deal breaker for a lot of folks. I’m right there with you.

As for just any game in general, I’d have to say it’s a tie between Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag and NBA 2K14. Now, sure, 2K has been on the rack (so to speak) for a good couple months on current-gen, but I purposely stopped playing my 360 press copy just so the X1 version would feel all the more exciting. Those graphics, as you’ll see just below, are to die for.

And, so far, the game is getting much higher marks than the latest Madden transition. AC4, on the other hand, I just did not want to play (or beat) twice, and if I’m going to venture into the vast, wonderful open seas, I’d rather do it on the more beautiful console. And, it’s a lengthy game, so I’m sure I’ll get my money’s worth diving into Ubisoft’s enchanted world. Both of those games, along with Need For Speed: Rivals, appear to be getting the best reviews of the 3rd party upgrade bunch. Joe, are you afraid we’re going to alienate any PlayStation peeps out there with this piece?

Joe: As if all your PS4 “failure” shares on Facebook weren’t enough! Honestly, as far as the Microsoft vs. Sony Console Wars go (see the latest episode of “South Park”!), it’s all about preference. I always preferred Xbox because I liked their variety of games as opposed to PlayStation. If I could afford both, I’d get both! The mixed reviews don’t bother me, if I was a PS fan I’d still get it. Back when the 360 launched, we all experienced the dreaded “Red Ring of Death.” Did that make us not want to continue playing it — not this Reverend! I’m just glad that Kingdom Hearts 3 will finally be available for Xbox, after a fucking decade. (Father McPhail and I should definitely go X1vPS4 KH3 Face-Off in this bitch come release!)

Well, I know that’s it’s no question that you’re stoked for launch. We can’t shut up about it. It’s just so weird that the Xbox 360 will soon become a memory, but more-so, a favorite pastime. So, with that being said……what are some of your favorite games/moments from the 2nd gen? I pray it’s time to feel nostalgic!

Brings new meaning to the term “freeze frame.”

Moody: WWE 2K14, for literally ending my career with current gen. Say…what? The wrestling game you’ve been raving and ranting about for months? The one you blessed with a 4-Bible review and revered with a follow-up podcast? Well, hey man, my entire TWO WEEKS of Universe preparation – not to mention my “30 Years of Wrestlemania” victory went through the tube today, when the developer’s notorious “corrupt file” scenario returned to the squared-circle. You’d think after several of these games that Yukes would have done something about it by now. How archaic. Maybe if someone develops a hack, I will return to it…returning out of retirement “Nature Boy” Ric Flair style. But, otherwise, it’s been a pleasure, current gen. Let’s hope the Xbox One isn’t marred with as many bugs, glitches and demoralizing game save corruption as the 360. Whooooooooo!!!!!

Jose: Geesh, man! I’m sorry about that. I know how much the new WWE 2K meant to you. I hope you didn’t smash your 360 over your roommates head or try to smash the game with a chair. You know, I remember having a problem with Batman: Arkham City when it first launched, two years back. I remember installing the game and then getting some bug online which took me straight to Xbox Live Dashboard. Several people got this same bug, so I couldn’t even play it for the first week. So frustrating! Damn you, WB!!!!

Glitches, fear not! For the great Skyrim would never leave thee in the cold.

Moody: Here’s to hoping this brand new technology will fix a lot of the hardware and software issues that have literally plagued this system’s 8-year existence. Thing is, there’s just been no better system as far as games…ever. Speaking of Arkham City, you can add that game to my top 10, alongside Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (since both games came out the same year). Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was far too lengthy and long for my tastes (which to some, was a godsend), but Skyrim gave you the option of beating the primary story in 20-hours (a nice length), or going on for infinity to build colonials and start as many crusades as you can possibly imagine. What both 2011 Game of the Year’s had in common, too, were an assortment of bugs and glitches. But, couldn’t that be said about just about any other great Xbox 360 title? One series that I didn’t notice too many frustrating conundrums swirling the release was The Mass Effect trilogy, which easily stands out to me as the greatest trilogy of all time…and I can only be half as lucky if something akin comes to the One. How about you?

Joe: Yeah, The Mass Effect games were an amazing achievement in video games. Bioware — the guys notorious for the best Star Wars RPG franchise — really blew me away with Mass Effect, one of the most epic storylines in gaming. As far as my best memories with the 360, I would say three game franchises: Rock Band, Soul Calibur IV, and Bioshock. I got to feel like a Rock Star…in my living room, fight my friends with Yoda and Starkiller, and have the piss scared out of me as Splicers jumped out of nowhere, with the lights off.

I got friends in HIGH places.

Moody: Rock Band. Now, how come that doesn’t surprise me? Ha, just giving you shit. The whole Guitar Hero/Rock Band saga definitely amped (pun, superintended) up the interactivity with video games, leading to motion controllers and Wii’s and all that stuff. Rock Band itself was the highest rated of the bunch, and selling just as well to make it a star in Xbox 360’s lengthy history. The Mass Effect trilogy changed the way I looked at video games, such as.. I better not fuck up this decision or 4-years from now I will regret it! I absolutely had no problem with the 20-30-minute ending of M.E. 3, actually liking it, despite the fact I went “Renegade” for just about the entire series. Sure, it should have had some variety (like the much maligned DLC package attempted to excuse), but you surely weren’t catching me writing a letter to Obama about it. Mass Effect 2 definitely stands out of the bunch, in terms of meshing the RPG elements with the FPS satisfaction of a COD or GOW.

Speaking of, the Gears of War trilogy makes the 3rd spot on my list (and 2nd best all time trilogy), as this trio of shooters will go down as the greatest LOCAL co-op experiences ever. Sure, with Halo you could split-screen some aliens for plenty of hours at a time, but how truly close were you to the action with co-op Gears? It’s almost as if nothing changed except how fucking great the teamwork was. With arguably the 360’s greatest looking game at 2006 – as the debut was also the second highest rated that year — one could lead the rush with Marcus Fenix, while a lazy sack like me was able to snipe some Locust as the other COG’s, Dom, Baird, and Cole. I can only hope E-Day continues on next-gen.

So long as it isn’t “Judgment,” we should be OK!

Joe: Damn straight, I was all about Rock Band! It was one of those games where I got a lot of my casual and non-gamer friends really into gaming. You have no idea how many parties I had that involved Rock Band, and how much money I spent on songs for The Beatles: Rock Band, alone.  But unfortunately, it was one of those franchises that had a short run.  A good run, but short.

Moody: Why do you think that is?

Joe: Good question, lol.

Moody: That’s my job.

Joe: Fine, Moody. As fun as the Rock Band games were, and as I mentioned, great for parties, it was just more of a fad.  Even if Rock Band 3 let you play at Pro level, with a six string, and also a keyboard, by then I think we all just got bored with the gameplay by that point. And I think people got tired of buying new instruments, and separate games with different songs, when clearly they could have just been put in the Rock Band Network for download. So yeah, spending too much money was an issue — at least for me. But, it’s still fun pastime, and when friends and I are up for rocking out, we go back into Overdrive.

Moody: Shifting gears here… *throws up devil horns*

Heath Slater would be proud! #3MB

Joe: Ah yes, Gears of War — definitely one of the best co-op series I’ve ever played on 360.  I’ve always preferred third-person view, maybe just because I prefer to see the actual character I’m controlling. And, who could forget the awesomeness of the chainsaw bayonet. It got messy when ripping through locusts, but got the job done.

Moody: Don’t kill me, but I’ve never played the original (or the hearsay sub-par sequel) Bioshock.

Joe: You’re fired! When I first played Bioshock, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The game’s cover just looked ridiculous. However, a close friend told me “No, you have to play Bioshock!” I responded, “Okay, why?” My friend’s response: “You’re a big horror game fan, right? (in which, I nodded) You’re gonna love it!”  So, I played it one late night and after the first hour, I will seriously never judge a book by its cover.  Not only did enjoy it, but it scared the bejeezus out of me.  The entire time, as I was navigating through the game, I was trying to stay on my guard. Those damn Splicers are not only creepy as hell, but they jump out of fucking nowhere. Couldn’t tell you how many times my heart jumped. It’s funny, I thought I was going to be disappointed when Infinite was released, due to the fact that there was no more horror element, but hey the steampunk-driven style made it still an amazing game. Hell, the ending to Infinite still fucks with my head; still couldn’t explain it.

Moody: Speaking of getting fired, at least that’s what we have from The Christian to be thankful for.

The things you see in San Francisco.

Joe: Ha! Another game series which blew me away and still is, has to be the Assassin’s Creed series. Looking back 6-years ago, my first introduction to AC was at San Diego Comic-Con 2007 when Ubisoft was promoting the shit out of this game. The Rev didn’t get to play any demos, but just saw trailers, banners, and actors for hire dressed as Altair. It was yet another game in which I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Honestly, it just looked like some epic historical game. So glad I gave it a chance. Playing as a guy who’s reliving his ancestor’s life through DNA memories, in a machine called an Animus? Let’s take our hats off — or white hoods (wait, that sounds so bad!) — to Ubi for the originality. Can’t think of too many other games where I spent countless hours trying to get 100%, just to get the damn secret ending where we see references to the Illuminati. Warped, man….warped!

Moody: The original Assassin’s Creed was surely great for its time, but ultimately redundant. Part II was definitely the highlight of the series, although I am a huge fan of AC3 (didn’t witness any bugs) and have yet to play Black Flag (again, holding off for next-gen). Bioshock Infinite, though — despite coming out just this past year — is one of my favorite 360 titles ever. Loved exercising the greatness of my Vigor magic, skyhooking through an all-too wondrous world of Columbia in search of milk, honey, and Elizabeth. Awesome story, great FPS gameplay, creepy songbirds and accordion driven score, and the talents of Troy “Booker” Baker. Isn’t it funny, how all the craze this year was Xbox One, yet there was still a handful of gems from the current-gen. Rayman Legends was sure-as-shit fun, maybe the best platformer I played since anything Mario. And, yet as awesome as Ubisoft’s impact to the system was, how do we have this conversation without mentioning Rockstar Games…

You know what they say: any good Jets fan is a…

Joe: I think it’s because GHG has already said so much about GTA, and I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely overwhelmed (in a good way) from Grand Theft Auto V — definitely one of the best games of 2013, if not THE BEST!

Moody: Yeah, Rockstar also made a few tiny little ventures you made have heard of called Red Dead Redemption and Grand Theft Auto IV. But, while I wasn’t so big on GTA 4 like our very own Deacon E, I do share his and your praise for GTA V — the single best game for this system ever, and the only thing I’ve EVER reviewed to garner 10 Bibles. It’s so addicting, I forced myself into retirement at 70% in fear I’d never get any work done for GHG. If that’s not impact…

Joe: Valve made impact and became one of my favorite developers. Half Life was a great sci-fi FPS, where most of the time you’ll forgive the gun for cracking skulls with a crow bar. You da man, Gordon Freeman. And a game like Portal 2 let me branch out of what I’m normally used to (slaughtering aliens and zombies), and lead me to use what little of my brain is now left for trying to escape rooms with mind-numbing physics, particularly the greatest invention of all: the motherfucking Portal Gun.

Speaking of puzzle games, you probably never heard of the survival horror/puzzle/social simulation/anime game (talk about genre’s), Catherine, starring our buddy Baker as the protagonist, Vincent Brooks. It’s not like any game you’ve ever played; it’s hard as fuck, but fucks with you head. Very much a David Lynch story. You’re not trying to save the world, mostly determine Vince’s love life: marry his gf of 5-years, or get with the hot slutty looking succubus? I know it sounds weird, but play it sometime, Moody, it’ll definitely fuck your head.

Life was a little more fun without Master Chief.

Moody: I would, as I love me some Lynch, but something tells me I’ll have my handful with next-gen. Maybe if they remake it. I’ll admit I didn’t play much of The Orange Box, or another greatly revered title like Fallout 3. Those years were crazy for me, as most of my days I traded in my gamepad for MMA gloves (other than sports titles like Madden or MLB). This leads me to three sports game that scored more than any other and that’s NHL ’12, FIFA 12/13 and NBA 2K13. Those games were arguably both EA and 2K Sports finest moments. I don’t think I’ll ever play a game as much as I did with 2K13 (I played a full 82-game season with the Golden State Warriors, and when I LOST in the NBA Playoffs to the LA Clippers in 7 games — and practically down to the last few minutes — took over that team to win the title, in, yes, 7 games).

I also can’t forget how awesome the Forza Motorsport series has been. Of course, no Microsoft system can be reflected upon without the mention of Halo, although the best games in the series were previously released on the original Xbox. Halo Reach was definitely my favorite, as it only took the Deacon E and myself no more than 8 measly hours to finish the campaign on Halo 4…after — what — Halo: Combat Evolved took 20, 30? Ridiculous.

Joe: Yeah, the original Halo was soooooo goddamn long. Lost a lot of sleep because of it. I agree with you on Halo: Reach, probably has the multiplayer modes in that entire series. But, we will never mention the atrocity of ODST. Because everyone wants to play some useless rookie, as opposed to a badass Spartan, am I right? One last thing, Moody, since you mentioned Forza, I do miss the Burnout series, nothing was more fun than crashing cars, takedowns, and of course launching your car into traffic and trying to create chaos. Yes, the Reverend loves CHAOS! Please bring Burnout back to next-gen.

Well Moody, it’s been fun reminiscing the old days of 360 with you. God, I’m making it sound as if we played these games 20-years ago! The Xbox 360 brought me so much joy during my post college years. I feel like I’ve grown up a bit. Time to move to the next generation of gaming. 360, it’s been fun. Godspeed, friends, as we’ll be sure to see some of you Friday at midnight!

And, here, you thought they meant kids who skipped class.

“Monsignor” Travis Moody’s Best Twelve* Xbox 360 Games Ever
*Forza Motorsport 3
12. Left 4 Dead
11. Halo: Reach
10. NHL 12
9. Borderlands 2
8. Far Cry 3
7. Bioshock Infinite
6. Batman: Arkham City
5. Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
4. NBA 2K13
3. Gears of War Trilogy
2. Grand Theft Auto V
1. Mass Effect Trilogy

“Reverend” Joe Rivera’s Best Twelve* Xbox 360 Games Ever
*Burnout: Revenge
12. Left 4 Dead
11. Batman: Arkham Asylum
10. Soul Calibur IV
9. Rock Band 3
8. Mortal Kombat
7. Fable 2
6. GTA 5
5. Catherine
4. Saints Row: The Third & IV
3. Bioshock/Bioshock Infinite (Bioshock 2 didn’t do it for me)
2. Assassin’s Creed II
1. Batman: Arkham City

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Whether the elongated 8-minute-plus rant makes this week’s “Parks & Recreation” is unsure (it better), but Patton Oswalt‘s crushing monologue gives us no choice but to tune in this Thursday at 9:30/8:30 C. And, honestly, with Disney owning all of these properties, we’d be a little silly to even find it that far-fetched!

Sure a film as close to this reality would likely release in the year 2039. Either way, I’ll be waiting.

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Fanpages can be annoying. You’re scrolling down the Facebook Wall in search of some interesting bits and knowledge from your pals — since you’re obviously too lazy to call, or even text — and there’s countless posts, pictures and videos of bands, movies and TV shows you liked 7-years ago. Fans are posting up artwork, which is cool; but you can’t help but find it difficult to get straight to all the good on Geek Culture.

Well, allow the reformed God Hates Geeks fanpage to take that senseless time off your hands.

“Join us, you wretched FOOLS!” – Random Sith Master

With the help of Expert Nerd-News Compiler, a sort of a “Solid Waste Engineer” moniker for “man who spends too much time on the inter-web,” Steven John Vasquez (@SteveOfSteel) — who’s also quite the comic illustrator himself (click here for some mighty sketches) — GHG promises to slay your skull with all the latest news, posters, trailers, previews and annoying rumors our incredibly awesome culture has to offer.

Now breath.

We’re thankful for the many who have joined us in the past month and we promise to not stop bringing you the goods. See, what separates Us from the perhaps more money-advanced rest is our agenda. We have none. For, we both simply love and hate everything equally. Okay, so perhaps this Moody Monsignor has preferred Star Wars lately over a ton of much else.. but, regardless, our slant will always be the same.

Click on the GHG icon above and join the congregation (a.k.a. “like” the page, dammit!). If nothing else, just give us one more person to bother with our bullshit.

Peace.

• The Evil Within! There’s been a lot of evil going on in the world lately, especially in my hometown of Boston, Massachusetts. But, without delving too much about this past Monday’s tragedy, the ongoing manhunt, or the cancellation of the Boston Comic Con (yup, sad but true), you can’t blame us for not having much of a stomach for certain evil. But since this is Bethesda, the publishers of such mega-hits like Skyrim and Dishonored, we’ll pay attention — even if this video hits a little too close to home. It’s a bit of a bummer that this “trailer” serves more like a teaser for an episode of “American Horror Story” than anything that uses a gamepad.

• Parish Picks of the Week. Ahh.. so many good comics, so many tough choices. Batwoman #19 returns to spectacular form as artist Trevor McCarthy does what he does best and lays off trying to emulate J.W. Williams III — cause that shit just ain’t happening. The prologue to the Trinity War, in this week’s Justice League #19, keeps rolling in high quality, too, thanks to artist Ivan Reis. I mean, the man even draws a bad ass bearded Superman.
  

  Oh no she didn’t!

  And it doesn’t hurt that Geoff Johns throws a jealous Batman to intrude on the trinity love triangle. A war between Bruce and Clark over Diana? Sure beats slapping around fish. Hey, even B.M.B.’s Age of Ultron #6 was excellent this week.. and proves that, despite a slower pace than a snail bathing in Pennzoil, this event could easily kick the snot out of the crossover crap spewed from Marvel the past 2-years. Ahh, go figure that it’s non-continuity. I think. Hell, Wolverine hunts down Pym, and even “teams” with Invisible Woman. The parallel stories in the Savage Land should keep the heart pumping. There’s also toss up this week between Captain America #6 and Daredevil #25. Despite Matty Murdock facing his roughest opponent yet — a dude dressed up in his late dad’s boxing robe? — the artwork and levity coming from this Sci-Fi Cap story was too much to overcome. Writer-extraordinaire Rick Remender is really pulling out all the stops, John Romita Jr. is drawing his best stuff since World War Hulk and Dean White is killing it on the colors. The palettes are so tasty I want to bake them, but then I would probably cause another apartment fire. Rounding out our choices was Wonder Woman #.. you guessed it.. 19. Are you bored of this choice every single damn month yet? Hope not. Imagine Brian Azzarello’s 100 Bullets fleshed in a modern God of War. Crazy talk. In this issue, Diana Prince stops getting pushed around by the sexual advances of Orion with some smooching of her own; her conversation with War is frighteningly ironic; witness more of Poseidon’s bizarre inhuman transformations; and, a bad-ass crab-claw wrecking shop! Our GHG Book of the Week, no doubt.

• Star Trek: The Game arrives Tuesday, so let’s hope that Namco/Bandai avoids the bad luck that’s plagued many of this year’s major IPs (Aliens: Colonial Wars, Defiance). Here’s a funny trailer starring the Shat.

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The History Channel’s Vikings is the closest thing to a weekly episodic Thor series; Jason Aaron’s Thor: God of Thunder is enjoying the character’s finest run since J.M.S.; and Alan Taylor’s Thor: The Dark World hits theaters this fall.

Not to mention the Odinson battles the mighty Apocalypse (!!) in this week’s best-selling series Uncanny Avengers, with issue #9.

That’s quite a load of Asgard.

Yet, while not much is known about The Dark World other than some location pics of Chris Hemsworth tossing around his Mjolnir…

Cinnamon raisin bagel, lite raspberry cream cheese… toasted.

…there’s plenty of hammer-wielding warriors and corrupted god-bombing coming from Ragnar Lothbrok. Uh, yup, you guessed it: Ragnar-ok.

Except the Vikings‘ principle lead is no Project Lightning. Over the course of 6-episodes, Ragnar has lead a band of brothers and a far less dysfunctional family than those Odinsons. Oh no — the wife (played by experienced martial-artist Katheryn Winnick) is a crazy warrior woman who has Rags offer her “services” to a Christian monk slave; his son is ever bit the brat Loki is, and perhaps all the more manipulative (he makes the same priest.. drink!); and his brother-in-arms, Rollo, wants all the glory for himself — as if Balder the Brave was ever evil.

The show is clearly bad-ass. And don’t worry, Vikings (10pm EST) is the perfect show to come on directly after Game of Thrones (9pm EST). Cause we all know one-hour of sorcery, swords and slutty ale-maids is just not enough.

Back to straight-to-DVD cultist fiction I go!

Ragnar — played by Travis “Twice as Moody” Fimmel — is also said to be a direct descendant of Odin, as well.. so it all makes sense why he can’t help but play a god amongst men. Thankfully for viewers, Mr. Lothbrok is also quite vulnerable, suffering a deathly injury before pitting himself in epic battle against Earl Haraldson. He’s also, quite possibly, the biggest dickhead protagonist since Anakin Skywalker. I mean, the guy is a walking Darth Vader — a protagonist so bad you have no other reason but to root for him. Hey, Ragnar takes care of his slaves and takes the time out of his busy day to arrange wondrous funeral processions for those he slays.

Dude means well!

Also, be on the lookout for Episode 8 airing April 21st, where the series will fully explore the viking religion — meaning there’ll be more Thor and Odin references than a Marvel comic book. Good, because History Channel recently announced it has picked up Vikings for a second season.

Feed me more.

And more you should have.. if you’re not too lazy to pick up a comic book every now and then. If you’re a Vikings fan, love the first Thor flick and need something else to bide your time, then you should be reading God of Thunder, penned by Marvel superstar Jason Aaron. Don’t worry: if you haven’t been reading, this week’s #7 is the “perfect jumping-on point.”

Good thing Volstagg was left at home, eh?

Ahh… I’ve always wanted to never say that.

But it’s true. All you need to know if that a creep named Gorr the God-Butcher has been living up to his perilous moniker, slaughtering gods all over the galaxy and Thor and Thor…and Thor are out to lay out the prevent D.

Uh-huh. That’s THREE Thors for the price of one! Aaron’s typically humorous dialogue comes in handy here, too, when present-Thor is straight owned by future-Thor.

Think: Looper.

This “King Thor” sort of resembles a cross between an ancient Nick Fury and Odin, offering no solutions to many of 616-Thor’s various inquiries, since, you know, it’s hard enough to button those trousers. The humor blends well with Aaron’s intense layers of danger.

There’s some hope for a win against this Butcher when you realize the elder God of Thunder is able to relive his youth once again. All the while, the Thor we all know and love even stops to drop an X-Men reference. X-Men references in Thor! Say it isn’t… Yes. When you include the fact that artist Esad Ribic does a bang-up job designing the science fiction of a distant Asgard — with a killer reveal that develops yet another threat — the Thor ongoing appears to be in great hands.

Now, if we can just get that Thor vs. Ragnar one-shot…

4 (out of 5) Bibles for VIKINGS; 4.5 (out of 5) Bibles for THOR: GOD OF THUNDER #7. Plenty of tasty Icelandic medieval treachery, warriorship, and adventure in both “Vikings” and Aaron’s GOT title. While Gorr hasn’t been quite the villain the writer has initiated, his presence off-comic appeared more a threat than his spotlight last month. There’s still a heavy intrigue on the youthful Thor, too. “Vikings” offers a vessel worth of solid performances, layers of godly injustice, and the rawness of men who discover society for the very first time. Hail Ragnar-ok!

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And just in time for October, the most anticipated month of yours truly of the year. Not because it’s the setting for redundant costumes like Mitt Romney, scab NFL referees or, well, obviously, Bane.

But, rather, October sees the likes of sweet fall shows like “Dexter”, “Homeland” (the show everyone goin’ cray for now), and “Arrow” (doubt the execution will ever live up to the idea, but cool); hot comics like MarvelNOW (come see us next Thursday, kiddies) and lucky number Batman #13 (a.k.a. the return of the Joker!); and the most anticipated games of the season like Assassin’s Creed III (naval battle…I said…NAVAL BATTLE), Resident Evil 6 (Gary to the REScue!), NBA 2K13 (wanting this more than cats want sex), WWE 13 (obv), and Lego Lord of the Rings (don’t hate!).

Whew — tis going to be one hectic month!

So, with all that smoke blown in the faces of fiendish fangirls and fanboys all over GHG-land, we have no choice but to perform for our entire lovely congregation. And lest we forget…

Why everybody’s doin’ it! (Cept us, wah.)

Oh yeah. We’re bummed. But would you rather go to NYCC or Austin City Limits!?!!

We thought so.

I’m not going to either.

But at least I’ll have time to update! Yay! …………………

Anyways, regardless of skipping out on NYCC12 this season — my Reality/Extra acting career has demands goddammit — we’ll be sure to cover it, anywhich way we can. We have connections, yo.

LET’S GET IT ON!!!

Darksiders II: A Dense Venture of Death & Discovery

Hell, this is a long game. Hence the long-awaited, heavily-anticipated review.

One month later.

But that’s OK. With the holiday video game buying season just finding it’s stride, there’s still a strong possibility many gamers are contemplating some recent jawns from this past month. You see, a publishing friend of mine over at THQ (hi Simon!) swears the game’s critical path is only 20 hours, but, without performing any of the countless side missions and going as “critically” swift as one could, I logged in at over 36.

When you work every day and you got tons of other games to review, that 36 feels more like 96.

A good thing. A very good thing.

Unfortunately the only thing you can’t buy in DSII.

If you’re one of those Skyrim/Witcher types, particularly one who enjoys a foray into cryptic lands of puzzle and wonder, this Darksiders sequel should certainly stir well in your cup of chi-mint. Having not played the original (shame on me), I have nothing to compare it to other than Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-lore, RPG/platformers, and other games with comic-inspired art direction.

But Darksiders II is an aberration in itself. The first time we demoed it, just after the final second of E3, I likened Death’s environment travel/cliff-lingering escapades to those from Prince of Persia. Again, a good thing. A very good thing. Thus, your actual physical inclination is seemingly more important than narrative, objective and destination, whereas other RPG’s like Mass Effect rely more on your conversational choices than your actual exploratory exploits.

Your outcome can only possibly be affected by platforming. It’s sort of Legend of Zelda in that case, except Death looks a hell of a lot more exciting than Link and speaks terrifyingly well-spoken.

Not that Death’s story is second-rate; but there’s no doubt longtime Marvel comic artist Joe “Mad” Madureira‘s scenic detail and impressive costume design blows any of the nursing home soul brouhaha of the water. Literally. Half the game is just making sure the dams open up to preserve the land of War(?). Yeah, slashing enemies with an ultimately impressive laundry-list of sickles, hammers, and blades — and having the choice of updating and upgrading these at will — make the game worth the buy.

And, yet, while scurrying around putting idiot dungeon monsters down isn’t quite the stuff of genius, most of your brain cells will be fried by all of the puzzles and treasure-hunting you explore and conquer.

If you like loot, this game’s got it. Upgrading your mantle over and over is also quite simple, despite its severe time consumption. And NEVER miss a jump! Or try to limit this. If you do, you may just be in for a long-haul. (Trust me. Cardinal Gary broke a few PS3 controllers over his apparent indestructible boob-tube.)

Bosses are scary, scary big, and often scary fast — surely a lot harder to beat than the final naysayer. As puzzled as the congregation this writer has before him, I don’t get why 75% of the games on the market are like this, but DS2 doesn’t fail to carry on such a tradition. And where are the other Horsemen? “This is no place for a horse,” says one gruffly English-voiced Death. More accurate would have been his call of Darksiders II not being a place for other Horsemen. Most have heard tales of such mystifying creatures, so why not showcase the entire lot? Give us something edging for a Darksiders III. Something.

Despite these mere flaws and an ending that practically, well, ends before it begins, Darksiders II brilliantly takes the road more traveled and gives gamers arguably the best bang for their $59.99 plus tax.

3.5 (out of 5 Bibles) = rock solid. Spectacular art design; fun, yet tedious dungeon platform-ing; endless amount of weapon and armor upgrades; joyous boss battles; subtle ending; lots of game for your hard-earned dollar.

Underwater With DC’s Hippest Scribe

Jeff Lemire is not your average star. He’s more like the trendy guy sipping a crisp ginger buck to the emotive rhythm of The xx in the back corner of East Hollywood’s La Descarga.

And after reading his original graphic novel The Underwater Welder this past week (on the set of “Cougartown”, mind you), this man can get in anywhere he wants as far as I’m concerned. But, it’s more likely he’d opt for a pass with the workload the writer has souped up for himself lately with DC Comics.

Lemire’s Animal Man has certainly been one of the shining gems of the New 52, just as he freaked comic geeks freak with a bad-ass Frankenstein, and, now, is’t no surprise that his Justice League Dark is far more than just a bag of parlor tricks. Shit, man; I’ll take this title right now over the one with the Caped Crusader, Man of Tomorrow and Warrior Princess any day of the week.

In fact, JLD has certainly made a star out of John Constantine, a character more known for vague appearances in previous Swamp Thing comics than his own Hellblazer format. Constantine persistently delves himself into the magical realm of the DC universe, which puts a pretty spin on what would be another book of misery and despair. Lemire may not grasp the Brit’s dialect as well as.. say James Robinson has done over in The Shade.. but who can fault the writer for choosing added dimension over Cockney dialogue? You never know what you’re going to get from J.C. on a month to month basis with JLD, with shaken being how the crazy detective likes it — not stirred.

The DCU’s own version of Slaughterhouse.

This week’s Justice League Dark #0 was the Rev’s most enjoyable DC read this week — after battling with some mighty zero issues from Batman Inc. and I, Vampire — proving this quiet Canadian just can’t avoid the spotlight. And, ironically, the brash Brit lead of JLD avoids the typical snide and conquer with a heartfelt tale of friendship. Even though Constantine burns any notion of “bro’s over ho’s’ in the ever zestful origin of his on-and-off interest with Zatana, his appreciation for the pro-to-ant wizard is keenly felt.

The Underwater Welder is another poignant story, one which a man with simple intentions can’t keep away from the “deep” end. The graphic novel is completely written and illustrated by Lemire, spotlighting the mental anguish many deal with when working on the seas. We hear plenty about the struggle many fishermen, or just about any of those who live and die by Earth’s violent waters, deal with in trying to support one’s family. But never have we witnessed such a tail spun so scientifically haunting — yet, so real — involving responsible men of the ocean quite like this before.

While there’s always been an Adam Curry, there’s never been a Jack: one as identifiable to any who has suffered loss, even with reception of God’s greatest gift. And perhaps the best part of Welder is that this story can be read by anyone with two eyes and a toilet; you certainly don’t have to be a “comic geek” to enjoy Lemire’s delicious scribbles and leviathanesque literature.

With this wonderful array of comics, the Sweet Tooth scribe proves his astonishing 2012 summer is ready to bowl right into fall. If Jeff Lemire isn’t a household name after New York Comic Con next month, then we’re all just not doing our part.

Read!

Feel free to check out legendary comic journalist Jason Sacks’ interview with Lemire right here for a rare chance of diving into the mind of a man who’d rather play cool in the back of the lounge than boast right in the front of it.

Stay tuned to GHG soon for: Who’s Talking Now?, a discussion on the WWE’s recent circus of color commentary, by Brother Joe and yours truly; Transformers: Fall of Cybertron by Cardinal Gary Brooks; and the Residently Evil Return of Sister Emma. Thanks for reading.

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With all the Fantasy Football follies (lost by 151 to an Eli-lover last week), games we can’t figure out to review (Sleeping Dogs! Borderlands 2!), and the very life of Hallows that is Moody (a real life Where’s Waldo!), it’s time we break down just what the hell DC is doing.

Only because Daredevil greatness, “Everything Burns”, the Uncanny X-Force saga and Avengers vs. X-Men follies aside, we’re strictly waiting for NOW! with Marvel…

Logan. Always jealous that I picked up Romo.

Wondrous Women

Perhaps the most head-scratching complaint at San Diego Comic Con 2010 — yes, more than a year ago — was that there were not nearly enough female creators in comics. While that statement, this side of a few exceptions like Kelly Sue’s amazing Captain Marvel (see: Move Over Scarlett) and Ms. Simone’s invigorating Batgirl series aside, may still be true, I never thought the day where female-led character comics were among my favorite.

In fact, Wonder Woman and Batwoman are two of the best titles in comics. Period.

After a month where Diana and Kathy found themselves battling inside the books, the two lovelies take it to the stands this week, where both Brian Azzarello and J.W. Williams III deliver “secret origins” worthy of your time and interest. Even dedicated readers should find these issues as appetizing as the belief of Zero Month’s suspended momentum.

Least it beats Point One, dudes.

Wonder Woman #0 finds Miss Prince in a retrorific Batman Beginsesque world of training, spiritual meaning, and (mis)understanding. Yes, this feisty broad never had the interest in listening to her goddess mother, so who’s War to her? Thankfully, this all leads to a point and a character we haven’t thought of lately; exactly how Diana became friendly with one of the WW lore’s most endearing characters (from Greg Rucka’s run). To spoil any further would be such a disservice to those smart enough to read Mission’s End, Land of the Dead, Bitter Rivals, Down to Earth, etc.

Do that. Better yet, Cliff Chiang’s linework fits the Golden Age scheme like a white glove fit one historic running back for the Bills. Batwoman #0 has some neck-slashing of its own, too; thankfully this grueling epic sweep of vigor fights more for morality than nonsensical violence in one of the most heartclenching comics of the year.

And to think the aforementioned greatness of Rucka is gone.

Kudos to both co-creators, Williams III and W. Haden Blackman, for pushing last year’s breakout title to the brink. Despite the clusterfuck of plot-lines that has often run ramped through Batwoman, the underlying story has always greatly been between Kate and her pops. She’s the (Bat)woman she is today because of him. So, the falling out over Beth’s death, life, and death again makes this zero issue all the more endearing — and thirst-quenching.

She’s simply got a Black Widow origin with some compassion. With Kate, there’s more of a “have to” than “want to” here.

Batwoman #0 = 5 (out of 5) Bibles. Perfection.

Oh, That Snyder Guy

Crafty has NO MORE Krispy Kreeeeeeeemeee!!!!!

Swamp Thinggg! Dunanut-nunanut-nunanuh… Swamp Thingggg! OK, so a little different intro than your perhaps much more preferred Creedance Clearweater Revival theme to the 80s b-movie of the same name (“Born on the Bayou”), but hell, this title — along aside Snyder pal Jeff Lemire’s Animal Man — has been nothing short of great in its recent “Rotworld” crossover.

Both books lacked a steep antagonist until Anton Arcade decided to piss on everyone’s branches and leaves, so it’s a good thing the Batman scribe and Lemire decided to address those primary colors before it was too late. We’re only going to believe some little trailer park toddler is the “be all end all” unless it’s thoroughly shown…or unless it’s Hailie Jade Scott Mathers.

Snyder takes Arcane back to the grill again with his first confrontation with “a” Swamp Thing — considering there’s hundreds (thank you Mr. Moore) — and delivers his truly first horrific New 52 comic. Sure, Scott’s always had some terrifying horror elements in his books, particularly with the couple of American Vampire miniseries, but nothing has been nearly as nightmarish as James Gordon Jr.’s dealings with “The Skeleton Key” over in Detective.

Now that was a truly fucking twisted tale.

Swamp Thing #0 contains some truly psychopathic moments, hurrah, including some good ol’ fashion baby-tasting. Yeah, sorry, Cam Brady; punching babies is nothing.

4.5 (out of 5) Bibles. Just add some salt and pepper to them babies and you’re good to go. No, this book is as beautiful as ever and even the fill in artist — Kano? — was a UFC fighter. We thinks.

JL Simply SHAZAM’d!

Yeah, I toted a reverse-asswards costume of Billy Batson’s dream warrior in a Subway commercial for FX once. The picture was enough to scare a thousand a mile away. But if you’re truly looking for something special in the Justice League world of the DC Universe, look no further than Justice League #0.

The book, in fact, contains no Batman, Superman, or Flash, but just a couple of mystical crazies who are ready to rip shards into what’s been a pretty above average comic. There’s been no other title to catch more fans’ flack — other than Rob Liefeld’s crap, of course — than Justice League, and the only reason people have remained hopeful is due to Geoff Johns and Gary Frank’s electrifying back-up tale of Shazam.

Shazam is the next breakout character for DC. I’ll go so much on a limb as to say that we’ll start seeing this foster kid-turned-Superman/Flash-combo dude in development for some movie deals if this title all works out.

Well, true. You’re right. Damn near everything has been in development for DC in the past several thousand years. Good luck seeing Diana Prince on the silverscreen anytime soon.

With that said, there’s a reason for all the excitement Batson’s bulkier self can cause. Strangely enough, this Shazam carries over that bratty image Billy garnered for himself in the previous back-ups. So, with this notion of unlimited, immature powertrips serving as DC’s version of Spider-Man, hopefully Johns will find just the right twist to steer this enticing locomotive in a surprising direction.

It’s bad enough the title wasn’t called Shazam #0, and left all the other Leaguers at the park.

3.5 (out of 5 Bibles). Gary Frank’s art is always great. Johns smartly focuses on his title’s main highlights — Shazam — despite the misleading title. Points are off for a strange back-up involving Pandora’s “box.” Oh, don’t get any ideas, you floozies.

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Sons of Anarchy, FX’s most successful drama since The Shield, heads towards a seemingly tumultuous fifth season. Jax is back as the new head of the dickies-and-scruff, cutoff leather-vested pack, after former boss Clay Morrow ungodly survived the, well, “perly” gates by a hairball string of hell last season.

Sutter must really like drinking beers with this guy.

H to the Izzo

It’s coming, and there’s nothing more exciting.

Throwing too many picks against sub .500 teams in Madden? NHL 13 looking a little too familiar to last year’s icy greatness? Care less about soccer?

Then NBA 2K13 should do the trick. While the 2K Sports staple had more bugs than Farmville last season, the NBA sim is still considered the best basketball game yet.

And after watching this explosive trailer — to the sounds of the one Biggie Smalls — there’s no doubting the new 2K can top that.

Love this game, October 2nd.

He’s on our side

Don’t lie, I know some of you were worried about Geoff Johns. “Oh, now that he’s Creative Chief Officer (of DC Comics), his writing quality will slip. And whadya know? Ever since the crappy movie, Green Lantern is sorta boring now.”

Maybe we can get Adoni Maropis to play him in the sequel, too.

Well you can end that notion right there. 

Aquaman – yes! Aquaman!! — has been the most consistent new title of the New 52 (meaning, new book that wasn’t around pre-52, like I, Vampire, which is also pretty great), Justice League at least has Shazam (the back-up is worth the $4 cost of the comic), and, yes, Hal Jordon’s book is back to being great again.

Except that it’s pretty much been missing Hal Jordan.

You see, ever since the Annual issue which went and confirmed what we already knew (that the Guardians are scum-sucking asshole sociopaths), Green Lantern is now more about the rise of the Third Army and the one elusive piece that might just help save it: Green Lantern #0. Johns completely flips the script on the zero issue, spotlighting an accused post-9/11 terrorist, simply caught at the wrong place at the wrong time; until he’s caught up at the right place at the right time, complete with combustible glowing green lamp.

For those fans of the scribe’s run from “Rebirth” all the way to “Blackest Night”, you can safely put your nightlights away and sleep easy — cause this shit gon’ be good.

 

Still “The King”

We remember those we lost, those who fought, those who saved, and those who carry on. And who’s been a better trooper for the WWE in the past 20 years than Jerry Lawler?

Always did love the puppies.

Love him, hate him, or just plain-out annoyed by him (sometimes), “The King” has been just about the only man to remain a regular staple on WWE television throughout the Hogan Era, Attitude Era, ECW Invasion, PG Era, and the now current Reality Era.

Now, let’s hope he recovers to call another day.

The 62-year old Lawler suffered a severe heart attack during this past Monday’s WWE RAW, where “The King” served as both a wrestler and commentator that night. According to the LA Times, he remains heavily sedated in a Montreal hospital, in critical but stable condition.

Our congregation’s hearts and prayers go out to “The King” and his family.

And, of course, to all of those we remember on 9/11.

 

Geek-Culture Icon

Speaking of the LA Times, shout-out goes to pop culture writer Geoff Boucher, who’s leaving the paper after 21-years.

Geoff has been an important mentor, friend, and idol to yours truly since my stay in Tinseltown. He even went so far as to allow this all-too green kid from Boston a freelancing chance.

The first time I witnessed Geoff at work was during his annual Hero Complex Film Festival — which screens a weekend full of iconic popular “geek” culture films, complete with Q&A’s involving the actors, directors, writers and creators.

Least we know he won’t be going to New York.

You see, I didn’t move to Hollywood to become the next Johnny Depp, Steven Spielberg, or Brad Pitt (because I refuse to get fired from Central *wink, wink*). No, I moved to become the next, well, Travis Moody. But if I had to pick anyone I admire more than.. okay.. so my man-crush is on Mr. Stark, it’s got to be this other goateed character with a bright smile.

Geoff simply makes communication look easy. He treats this bigger-than-life objects like friends back home, and has no problem rubbing into them, or taking a backseat whenever someone gets carried away (Emma covered that). While entirely professional, Geoff’s pieces flowed more like friendly advice than extreme avant-garde pretension.

He also always seemed to know what fractions of these mediums would be good and what would not (unlike some of my Hero Complex coverage on Spirits of Vengeance, “Terra Nova” — holy cannoli, how embarassing..), yet would embrace all things geek without bias (hi Twilight).

But more than anything, Geoff is a genuinely nice guy. He’s a family man. And, sure, a Dolphins fan. Even when busy or stressed, he was always open for communication. I wish more people in LA knew what the hell communication was.

Can’t wait to read/see/hear more from Geoff in the coming years, even if it comes at the cost of being a lowly judge on “Dancing With the Cosplayers”.

Now, who wouldn’t want that?

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But, what is MarvelNOW exactly, anyway? A reboot, a relaunch, a.. reprogramming?

Ryan Reynolds now slated to star in Jurassic Park IV.

The fact of the matter is, the new #1′s coming in November look pretty damn awesome (not every book is being getting the do-over treatment, thankfully — see: Daredevil). Esad Ribic drawing our favorite Norse God; two of the most violent espionage titles come “Uncannily” together; and the company’s world-building master sets to do the same for Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

Yeah, Marvel, I see you.

And, thankfully for those who’ve been buying for the longhaul — despite a last couple of rough months – these “Architects” should finish up about as solid as circumstances permit.

Both The Mighty Thor and Incredible Hulk (surprise, surprise) turned heads this past Wednesday, when both of Matt Fraction and Jason Aaron‘s rockier-than-usual powerhouses received unusual stamps of approval. Thor besting the rest for Finest Comic of the Week is like Canada upsetting Dream Team IV in a gold medal game. But, lemme tell ya, kid, it happened: The Mighty Thor #18 stops the inconsistent bleeding — and lack of Pasqual Ferry’s fantastically fanciful sketches.

“Everything Burns” is Fraction’s little crossover-that-could, especially when joined by the suitably epic imagination of Alan Davis and fellow Journey Into Mystery powerhouse Kieron Gillen. And now that the title’s more recent issues of some messy “fill-in” art, Thor’s instantly forgetable death, “God of Thunder” turnover of Tanarus, and the unfortunate murkiness of Thor’s oft alter-ego (handicapped surgeon) Donald Blake’s status have now certainly dispursed, everything Frac has intended — and Gillen has been building up for the Thunder God’s younger brother in J.I.M. — is seemingly, wonderfully coming to fruition.

Loki — even as a wee child — manipulating his older brother with concern to their questionable ancestry? Say it ain’t so.

Thankfully these two now have no choice but to let the bygones roll, becoming the very best of friends none of the company’s studio films will ever reflect. Having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son, ’cause this shit got 99 bitches and Jane Foster ain’t one.

You see, Loki has had his bubbles with the All-Mother, who’s replaced Odin throughout the pages of Mystery; all the while Thor has been known to flirt with recent breakout soldier, Freyja.

With some surprise returns in this week’s prologue, this entire Aesir/Vanir War of feministic attrition doesn’t just stop at the goddess triptych and Flava Flav’s favorite Goddess of Love. No, sir. Lady Sif (guess who’s back?), Valkyrie (who hasn’t been prominent since her enticing Fear Itself epilogue), and Hela (Hela Hela, hey!) are all bound to swoop right in and cause more havoc to the Nine Realms.

Call it “Men are from Asgard, Women are from Vanaheim.”

“Ha ha! Oh, my naive, green mountain lion. There hath no bearing for the slant Mr. Aaron has set forth! For he chose wisely a superb Nordic spirit over mere serendipity!”

Thus, we move onto Smashing stuff. It wouldn’t be far from the truth to call Jason Aaron’s Incredible Hulk the most disappointing title of 2012. Why? The man’s track record has been nearly impeccable. He’s the author of Scalped. He recently wrote one of the more memorable runs in Wolverine’s history. He also writes one of Marvel’s best in, well, Wolverine & The X-Men, a title that succeeds at making Logan the new Professor X. Fucking wild shit, I tell ya. And, even better news, Marvel’s re-upping the title for the next season and beyond.

So what the hell happened with the Big Green Guy? Everything and nothing. After artist Marc Silvestri’s controversial initiation (Man drew one hell of a warthog!), nearly every issue thereafter featured a different artist. So even when one happens to be the aforementioned Ferry, that sign is never good. Preacher and Punisher artist Steve Dillon even drew one of the worst renditions of Hulk ever, looking more like a Toxic Avenger or bald Lou Ferigno-sized grimmace than anything else. So what “The Hel” did the highly-talented comic scripter too?

He called up The Thing.

And, unsurprisingly, his good ol’ pal Wolverine.

The Incredible Hulk #12 goes right because Aaron goes simple, injecting a much needed twist of events that finally spells the culmination of a seperate Bruce Banner entity. Hey, there’s a reason for all of this “Stay[ing] Angry” stuff after all! It also helps that Carlos Pacheco delivers his finest art performance since returning to Marvel, seeing how his initial Uncanny X-Men contributions didn’t exactly match the anticipation. Now, regardless of the whole What If? factor, Aaron’s run at least has the chance to be a middling movie with a terrific ending.

HULK THINK GOOD.

• Dude, Where’s My Time? You can thank my early copy of Darksiders II for all of that. Not only has the Rev been working on various film sets every day — in addition to a couple bar gigs on weekend nights – but, damn, this game is a wear for the worrisome. THQ’s Skyrimmedhorsemen of the Apocalypse sequel looks like it’ll be twice as long a journey as the Dragonborn Game of the Year my roommate likes to compare. But, he dead wrong. Other than the tumultuous journey one player must go through to get to the Holy Grain, DS2 plays more Prince of Persia than your typical RPG. The weapon customization blows Bethesda’s medieval enterprise out of the water, in addition to much harder “bosses” than those (qu)easy dragons. And, though I’m only about 1/5th into the game (don’t expect a FULL review in time, sorry!), I’m liking it even better than my demo-time at E3. Death’s journey may have much life to it, after all.
  

  Marvel’s favorite G.I. Joe gives way to a Bunn.

• Captain America #16, Fantastic Four #609, and New Avengers #29 were also some of the more solid Marvel issues this week that also face the reboot in November, thus showing Marvel might be closing this whole chapter with some necessary smiles. I know reviews for those issues were mixed, and maybe that had to do with all of the NOWnews going on lately. But, hey, we liked ‘em. And there’s no surprise that Captain America’s next writer, Rick Remender, whooped some dangling ashtrays on his final issue (#22) of his Flash Thompson-meets-Snake-Eyes saga, Venom. Definitely a collection of stories I’d check if you already haven’t yet, sinners!

• So, maybe we didn’t see Total Recall or The Bourne Legacy when we probably should have, and for that, we apologize. Actually, we don’t; we’re busy, yo! So how were they? Let us know, congregants!! (Or, at least tell us what you thought of The Campaign. Yeah, I’d totally see that over the other action crap anyday). #Godlovespunchingbabies

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One year out of “vacation mode” in Los Angeles sure can beat you down. I was warned. I didn’t believe it. And it happened.

But for all the roller-coaster ride of emotions one has to endure in this City of Not-So-Angelic Clusterfucks, the few highlights sure are worth it: E3. Comic Con. Exclusive screenings of Avengers & Spider-Man. Watching my Wolverines snikt the Buckeyes at, well, my Ohio State bar of employment. Not getting pulled over by the LAPD has been a good thing, too.

Don’t forget I beasted over 70 pushups in front of a live TV show audience.

Oh, you missed that one? Don’t worry; no one saw me on “Desperate Housewives”, either. (Or “Criminal Minds”, or “Breaking In”, or… you catch the drift.)

And hopefully no one will see me on a pair of consecutive make-a-complete-jack-ass-out-of-yourself-in-wet-briefs-for-a-few-hundred-buckeroos this coming fall, too.

Hey, I auditioned for that when I thought I was 21.

Why do we do this? Why do we live day-to-day on Craigslist, searching for the next minimum wage to petty flatrate gig? To avoid doing what most good-natured U.S. Citizens would call real work? To pursue the dreams we once had before stepping onto this pile of goo, choking our no-med-insurance-selves out to smog? Wait, why did we move here in the first place anyway?

I forgot.

But it sure is purrty ourside. Clear blue skies. Easy breeze. Palmtrees. Mexicanos wacking our cigarette-infested sidewalks. Lucky people shredding some Goodyear on their way to work (ha, who am I kidding; nobody in this town works.) persistently tooting all the way down Franklin Ave. A Runyan hike does sound nice later, sure; but why get bowled over by a fake screenplay-reading Henry Cavill clone who just doused himself his first overpriced spray tan?

Ha! Just wait until Black Ops 2 gets their hands on this.

God, I love L.A.

While my neck turns from what to do on such a beautiful, lonely birthday (oh, shit. I gots to get ready for my lunchdate with a San Fernando couguh..), the High Priest of Popular Geek Culture ponders not only his overall lack of a dating life, but the overall lack of news and material we can present to our ever-growing and lovely congregation.

Thankfully, my lazy ass is saved once again by fellow clergypersons who plan on giving this month a piledriving Total Recall podcast and a Marvelous pair of personal pieces. Despite this August lull, God Hates Geeks promises to reflect on much of the cool shit we missed covering SDCC and TDKR like no one else with a low budget, no advertising and last-minute assembled Fantastic Four staff could as only we have.

Yes, I like hot cookie butter on my English toast.

But before I gives a heads up on what to give a flaming shit about in August, just remember the Moody man’s only doing this missionary for you. Fo’ da keeds. We want your Bridezilla-watching, Katy Perry Kardashian-loving asses turned over to the dark side. You know, where being a geek is now considered “cool.” Or, exactly the reason why I’m trying to gain back the 25 lbs. I lost living when I moved here nearly 2-years ago I can “ungeek” myself once again.

But, hell, we all know that ain’t happening. The ungeek part.

Regardless of where this next year will take me, I’d like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes (even if you send the same generic HBD messages to all 2,359 of your Facebook “friends” all year-round). Let’s see how many heartwarming, nonspeaking roles I can land on generic television the next 365 days; how many different “eclectic” restaurants I can work at in a 6-month span; and how many females I can meet who only want my broke Beantown ass to “further” their career.

Hey, like my beloved Red Sox Nation say, “there’s always next year.”

Tootles,

Reverend Moody

Oh, you didn’t think I was going to actually talk about real stuff? Like video games, superhero strips and sci-fi/fantasy movies? Come on! Here’s what the rest of August has in store for all you wannabe-nerds out there:

• 

  Oh, this one’s too easy.

  August 14, 15, 17: Sleeping Dogs (Square Enix) and Darksiders II (THQ). If all things go according to plan — they probably won’t – GHG should be the first to review Death’s mission to prove brother War’s innocence (I got the hookup, holla if ya hear me). Four Horsemen platformer, cometh. And the crime-saga formerly known as True Crime: Hong Kong is a game only bound to hear groans from Family Harmony. You’re in for a thrill if spinkicking streetwalking broads is your thing. But, hey, to make ya feel a little better, you’re also able to go all Lost in Translation on that ass, crooning the very best 80s New Wave karoake at will. That should make up for 10-12-plus hours of intense violence, I’m sure. Just a few months ago, Captain America scribe Ed Brubaker complained during a Hollywood Reporter Q&A that he wasn’t getting any Olivier Coipel art. Well, Avengers vs. X-Men #10 features both just in time to throw us into high-gear before the MarvelNOW redux. Hope and Scarlett Witch join forces; red-headed aspiring actress mutants rejoice! The Expendables 2 vs. ParaNorman? I’m guessing the animated take on Sixth Sense will plummet those nursing home grunts straight back to B-movieland, Metacritically-speaking, of course.

• August 21, 22: Transformers: Fall to Cybertron (Activision). Despite my love for nearly all things Decepticon and Autobot, I couldn’t help but feel a little unimpressed with the demos I played at both E3 and SDCC. The graphics engine is as dated as the almond milk by roommate fails to throw away, with the multiplayer reminding more of Nintendo’s Gradius than anything Mr. Bay unapologetically whopped onto the silverscreen. But everyone else seems to love it, so who the hell knows. The conclusion to Geoff Johns amazing first year on Aquaman (#12) sees Vinny Chase finally getting his revenge. Who is Black Manta working for? Probably Namor. That would just be cool. Then, let’s celebrate an Amazing 50th Anniversary of Spider-Man with an overpriced issue (#692) filled with back-up stories you won’t care to read!

• 

  It’s a Hard Knock Life.

  August 28, 29: Madden NFL ’13 (EA Sports). But don’t get too excited. Aside from the middling review XBOX Magazine threw up in their new issue (the journalist thought the Vikings won the Super Bowl last year – nice one!), I was more pleased with my current copy of NCAA 13 than the Mad-shit I played at E3. Though, it must be said that quarterbacking will be a whole lot more fun this year. It just feels more intuitive. There’s also several hundreds (so they claim) of ways to catch the ball, but hopefully that doesn’t mean Julian Edelman will start snagging balls one-handed over impeccable Ravens coverage. Also, XBOX Mag commented once again on how droll the commentary and presentation is, and those are the minor things that seperates NBA 2K, NHL, and FIFA from all the rest. Why football and baseball video games constantly can’t get this aspect right defeats me. Though, there’s no way the commentary — even if Phil Simms talks about Tom Brady the whole game (hey, realism at its finest!) — can be worse than Gus Johnson’s name-butchering that was last year. Here’s also to praying for custom stadium music, too. How many times can one person listen to Lil’ Wayne’s “6 Foot 7 Foot” in one hour? Green Lantern Annual #1: “Everything changes! Everything!” That means Ryan Reynolds is back once again in the tidy greens for the Blackest Night-inspired film sequel, just with a new writing team, we hope.

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Didn’t think so.

Well, try it! It’s more fun this way, if you dare.

We last saw Bane heading to Arkham in a Gotham PD paddywagon after Six scribe Gail Simone sent (forced, perhaps) the rest of DC’s most beloved antiheroes towards their ambiguous end. The end of the Secret Six (Catman, Deadshot, Scandal, Ragdoll, and about 9 others. Uh.. Six?) proved a major bummer for the cult comic following who dedicated their monthly 3-bucks to Simone’s — and her ever-talented penciler Nicola Scott’s – fantastic run. And since I wasn’t sucker enough to buy into the walking estrogen tank’s reemergence in the New 52′s The Dark Knight title, I got to say.. I miss me some Bane. Especially the one who, much like one we’ve seen in The Dark Knight Rises, swarms the gray areas between brutal savagery and admirable intentions.

Sorry David Finch, but Batman vs. Bane vs. the “White Rabbit”.. really?

I asked Batman writer Scott Snyder in this interview if he ever intended on using characters from Nolan’s masterpiece, and he thankfully declined. Maybe somehow Grant Morrison can import Rush Limbaugh’s famed “liberal conspiracy” into the current continuity of Batman Incorporated. You know, a comic that average moviegoers would possibly have an interest in. Possibly.

[Disclaimer: We were going to review Batman Inc. #3 in cohesion with our Batman Week, but comics were sent back to press with the controversy surrounding the Colorado shootings.]

Sounds like ‘em.

If not, here are five Bane stories you can find if you want to impersonate Hardy’s strangely-addicting enunciation while reading some Bane confabulation. Yeah, there’s a reason why I haven’t been on a date in a while.

5. Batman: Venom – This book doesn’t actually include Bane at all (which says a lot about the villain’s bookography!), but imagine a tale where Bruce Wayne accumulates Bane’s physical powers, and relies on the same performance-enhancements that forced Barry Bonds to give up his life. Believe it or not, reading Venom will give you a better understanding behind Bane’s thought process.

4. Secret Six: The Darkest House – Either Simone heard Nolan’s headline villain announcement beforehand, or played into this end game all along, but Bane’s inner demons come back to haunt him to what proved to be the saddest Secret Six tale to date. Well, that’s because it was the last. If I had any problem with the “New 52,” it was first, the announcement of Bruce Wayne taking back his reign of the Cowl (which was pretty juvenile of me to argue) and the cancellation of Secret Six. Not only was it the best villain team book out there; but it was the best team book, period. In “House,” Bane regained his lucha-mask, his demonic personality, and loses any sort of sensitive persuasion he may have accumulated being around Scandal. No, this Bane set out a Gotham do-goodie kill-list: Tim Drake, Jim Gordon, Stephanie Brown, Michael Lane, and Helena Bertinelli. Or for the comically-inclined Red Robin, Commisioner Gordon, Batgirl, Azrael, and Huntress. Another prime Batman rogue gets involved. Flashbacks occur. Shit hits the fan. End game. Fans cry.

3. Batman: No Man’s Land, Vol. 4 - Believe it or not, this story impacted The Dark Knight Rises as much as our winner did. Though Bane was merely under the employment of “The Total Package” Lex Luthor during this mass undertaking of Gotham — which had a similar earth “shakedown” in the film — it’s by far the second biggest story in the villain’s career. That, and Bane and Batman appear to do nothing but squabble throughout their confrontation – far from the epic, highflying haymakers of Nolan’s threequel.

“Attention Steelers fans: the Patriots have defeated you. It’s time to put away your Wiz Khalifi shitrags and head home like the accepted losers you are. Tom Brady is my loveking.”

2. Batman: Legacy – Bane revives from the aforementioned Venom sweet-tooth (and the dire events of our winner, below) and goes on to search for his papa. Although the film isn’t clear — or is it? — whether Ra’s al Ghul is that dad or not, similar circumstances occur when the leader of the League of Assassins (Shadows? Err.) takes the young man under his wing. Just like the film, the “legacy” is to plague Gotham with pure horror.

1. Knightfall – Duh. This is clearly the story that influenced Nolan’s decision to use the hulking leader of the 99-percenters in the first place, as Bane proved the “evil” version of the Bat he breaks. As The Dark kNight becomes more than just a man (i.e. an improbable haunting figure of attrition) in the events leading up to this “Knightfall”, Bane is the one who feels it’s his legacy to put an end to The Batman. The enigma here, essentially, is the notion of the superhero getting in over his head; not just the mere one-on-one battle with this “evil Doc Savage” of a man called Bane. And although the intellectual steroid-abuser happens to be the fin de jeu for The Caped Crusader, he’d go on to lose his mantle of criminal underworld leader when faced with more than a Bat-substitute named Azrael: the fact Bane’s mental state forever remained the prison he was similarly forced to grow up in.

This Week’s Penalty Box:

Any book bound for MarvelNOW‘s cancellation. Jonathan Hickman’s typically stellar FF, also known as Future Foundation, was a wash about the Inhumans, without a peep from the Richards children and alien juveniles we’re so very fond of! Incredible Hulk has been far from that — even when the art finally did match Aaron’s output with Pasqual Ferry’s output a month ago — but it’s nearly tiring. I’m surprised I haven’t dropped this yet (too close to the end, I suppose). Hell, even the Captain America book is slowly becoming uninteresting! As for the rest of the pile, the Amazing Spider-Man, Avengers and the Kitty Pryde & The X-Men (eh?) titles – while decent reads this week — still didn’t push themselves to the promised brink in their storylines, “No Turning Back” and “Avengers vs. X-Men”. Call it: enjoyable filler.

Too bad it’s the Spinach Quiche from Hong Kong Jon’s.

Guess the new status quo can’t come soon enough.

Patron Saints of Comic Scripting Awesomeness.. of the Week:

Geoff Johns. Rick Remender. Dudes, if ya don’t know, you’ll never. This is the first time at God Hates Geeks that we’ve had only 2 writers own the Parish Picks of the Week, as both of Johns titles this week, Aquaman and Green Lantern burns right through the punchlist (though pretty much every DC book I bought this week was good), while both of Remender’s team titles, Secret Avengers and Uncanny X-Force let us know why its forthcoming combination this fall, well, uh, yeah, Uncanny Avengers is going to give Hickman’s Avengers ongoing a good run for its money. It’s great to see Johns challenge Batman‘s Snyder for top gun, just as Remender and Hickman shift almost monthly. Competition is good, people. Not that any of these men will ever admit the similar back-office engagements both Brian Bendis and Jeph Loeb have been in. Boom.

Epic Fail of the Week:

Oh, Moody didn’t know??? His white ass betta friend request somebodyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I bought Venom #19 without looking at the rack clear enough to realize I needed #21. More of a fail? I read #19 at work yesterday, wondering why it read so familiar without realizing I had read the comic a month ago. Good enough news, Cullen Bunn and Rick Remender’s “Savage Six” storyline remains stellar — at least from the reviews I gathered today.

Oh, you wanted to know more about RAW #1000? Well, if you didn’t see that amazing show already, you’re as idiotic as the guy who “forgot” to do a write-up about it…

See you next week.

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