No “Hulk Smash”?!!? No thanks.

After this most unfortunate screening of Captain America: The Winter Soldier last night, I really wouldn’t mind if this ends up The First Avenger’s last. How dare Marvel deliver a villain more chilling than a Terminator, gun battles more intensifying than Heat, and a legendary actor known more for his ’70s political spy-thrilling gravitas than any other? How dare they? WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS MARVEL THINKING? Oh, I know…

That’s right. The Winter Soldier is awesome, and easily among the most bad-ass superhero movies of all time. While I’m not so quick to rate it any higher than the aforementioned Avengers, The Dark Knight, or even (I know! I know already!) Man of Steel, there’s no doubt this movie has the most riveting, shit-in-your-seat action sequences of any comic movie ever. Much in thanks to 3/4′s of the film taking part in S.H.I.E.L.D. territory, everything about the sequel to 2011′s Captain America: The First Avenger just feels so massive. There’s not one Helicarrier, but three; there isn’t a mere group of operatives hanging around like we see each week on ABC, but a whole army; and the top villain in the film may or may not be The Man with the Mechanical Arm, either…

(Cont. on next page!!)

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Hard to believe, the Bishop-at-Large is an actual diehard pedal-to-the-metal adrenaline junkie. Over the last decade and a half, I spent countless hours finding most of the shortcuts and secrets throughout many of the series’ master courses. While the fun factor has always featured off-the-chart madness, I had the type of precision controller skills that could make a surgeon jealous. Police-chasing, bumper-tapping, car-flipping — this was the hysteria swirling Need For Speed years before there was anything Too Fast & Too Furious.

In the case of the most recent big screen adaptation, Need For Speed (Electronic Art in partnership with Dreamwork Pictures) is one of those “it’s probably not a good idea to adapt a video game into a movie” issue. Unfortunately for us — the gamer/movie fanatic — the big studios only see the billions of games sold per year, and persistently attempt to capitalize on those numbers despite the failure of every adaptation this side of Tomb Raider (which still sucked).

Points for NFS, tho? The opening credits feature a great homage to the late great racing/acting BADASS Steve McQueen, including a snippet from Bullitt. Immediately after, viewers are thrown into the movie like a car magically spawning from the junkyard of Burnout Paradise.

You saw me on RAW, right?

This is where we get are first look at Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad) as Tobey Marshall, a garage mechanic with racing skills that would make Ron Howard weep. And no disrespect to McQueen or Paul, but neither of the two possess the magic behind the wheel like Charlie Sheen’s Jake Kesey (from 1986′s The Wraith). Tiger Blood, Baby!!!!! We also get to meet Marshall’s crew, which includes Benny (Rapper Kid Cudi) and Pete Coleman (Harrison Gilbertson). Cudi? How very F&F Walker/Luda.. of the studio.

The Crew head over to a secret meet up at a local drive-in theater, where Tobey finds himself face-to-face with archrival Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper) — who I wonder is Punky’s older brother. Dino is dating Anita Coleman (Dakota Johnson), Pete’s big sister and Tobey’s former love interest. How convenient. Cut to the race, and car fiends are thankfully blessed with some real beauty! There’s no better reason to see the flick than to feast your eyes on this vast arsenal of fuel-suckers:

Trying to cop Jordans at 6am can be dangerous.

-1967 Pontiac GTO
-Shelby Mustang Concept Car
-Veyon Super Sport
-Saleen S7 Twin Turbo
-1966 Ford F-100
-1968 Chevrolet Camaro SS 396
-1969 BMW 2800 CS
-1969 Ford Torino GT
-McLaren P1
-1987 Porsche 944 S
-2015 Ford Mustang
-1971 “Big Oly” Ford Bronco,
-GTA Spano
-Lamborghini Sesto Elemento
-Koenigsegg Agera R

Following your typical roller-coaster of emotional twists that typically make up films like this (protagonist wins, but faces adversity in his personal life; therefore, the antagonist has the upper-hand with an immense challenge, yadda, yadda…), Tobey’s higher goal is to build a Shelby GT Project car. At the car showcase, Tobey and Pete meet Julia Maddon (Imogen Poots), a high-end car dealer who acquires cars for wealthy clients. Cue: pissing match. Manhood is on the line. Now the car must be amped to fit Miss Maddon’s needs, with the type of offer that saves all of the world’s problems.

Yeah, I just want to hear some screeching sounds too.

In addition to the unsurprising pursuit of the streets paved with betrayal and consequence, Need For Speed should rekindle the fire of those with great love of the vehicles and the video games. Otherwise, you’ve got to feel for the film’s director Scott Waugh (Act of Valor). The script’s lame love angle and missed justice will cause groans to even the most casual of moviegoers. Even the presence of Monarch (Michael Keaton) — who offers the most exclusive invite-only race — couldn’t save the need for more salvation. Final sting, the OST hurt like the a wreck on the last lap at Talladega.

2 Race Tires (out of 5). [5 Bibles for the cars, tho!]

Dreamworks’ Need For Speed in theaters now.

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Cheesy punchlines, recycled elements from the original 300, and overused 3D CGI are all in full effect, of course, but we’ll get into that later. First, the Deacon E will appease the Gods with an offering of peace: The battle scenes are absolutely epic. Noam Murro (Smart People) and his team do a great job at displaying the craftiness and creativity of the Greek navy. I applaud the fight coordinators for being creative and not using the cliché Downward Shoulder Stab move that I first saw in Troy and have seen in everything set in that time period since then. Thing is, besides the fights and battles, there’s really nothing else. 98% of this movie is a battle. Five pages of the script is actual dialogue.

The rest is war.

The first 30-minutes of 300: II is just about all slow motion, and not even the cool, Matrixy kind. It’s rather pointless slow motion, like watching a rope fall to the ground, or seeing a horse’s reaction to the carnage around it. It’s even hilarious that Persian leader Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) emerges as a “God King” with a nose ring and his eyebrows done. I had no idea the Devil was so metrosexual.

Nice to see Colin Farrell getting some Extra work.

Speaking of pretty, this Artemisia (Eva Green) is pretty, but not as pretty as the narrator describes. But DAMN can she whoop some ass. Although I would have preferred another face, Green does an amazing job acting, just about replacing the presence of Gerard Butler. Yeah, this 300 sequel thankfully has at least one actor to watch.

Yet, despite that, my biggest issue with Rise of an Empire is that the sequel part doesn’t even start until the last 40-minutes of the movie. The first hour is just the first 300 — Zack Snyder’s 300 — from a different perspective (Battle of Artemisia over Battle of Thermopylae), and the slow motion capture blood splatter makes it feel like a big budget episode of Spartacus. Also hilarious, is that there is only one skinny guy in the whole movie and he looked REALLY nervous heading into battle. Can’t blame him, I guess.

Look. I could sit here and pick apart this movie for hours, but I wish not to disturb the peaceful plans of a unified Greece. So I will leave you with this: If you want to see non-stop sword clashing, arrow flying, ship ramming awesomeness, 300: Rise of an Empire is a great movie. If you hate everything, like I do, it’s an even greater movie to enjoy and complain about later.

325 (out of 500) Roman Shields [or 3.25 out of 5 Bibles for the clinically confused.]

Warner Bros. Pictures’ 300: Rise of an Empire in theaters today, Friday, March 7.

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Hands down, one of the best movies ever made.

The original RoboCop is enjoyable from start to finish. Along with “Bitches, Leave!” and “I’d buy that for a dollar!”, there are countless other one-liners and quotes that could fill the entirety of this review. Just the little bits of awesomeness that fill the screen could warp this entire review into a series of non sequiturs that make no sense whatsoever. But in all honesty, that would be an incredible review too, right?

(Oh and there will be spoilers here. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, that’s your fault. It’s 27-years old this year, so you should have seen it well before now.)

RoboCop starts and immediately dives in headfirst. In a move that was parroted by millions of other movies, comics and cartoons, we get the story told to us by news media that Detroit is a hellhole filled with awful human scum and terrible wastes of flesh. Oh yeah, and dicks that are killing cops.

The DMV can get real loud sometimes.

We meet Alex Murphy, a transfer to this nasty little police station, and we meet his idiot of a partner, Lewis. She sucks. More on that later. We meet Reed, we meet other cops, and we get a sense that none of these cops feel safe. We get to know that Alex has a wife and son; we get to know more about how terrible it is out there, and then boom! Alex Murphy is dead. After facing off with Clarence Boddicker and his gang, Alex is killed because his partner wanted to get her eyes on a big dick instead of doing her job. Oh, and because Alex didn’t think to wait for back-up.

And then, about five minutes later, he’s in full RoboCop gear. Seriously, this movie takes about 20-30 minutes of setting up the tragedy and setting up the insanity of the story and then our hero is born. People complain all the time that movies from the 70s and 80s took forever to get started. RoboCop definitely doesn’t. Our hero is dead within the first minutes of the movie and then his face is almost completely covered for most of the rest of the movie. It’s AWESOME!

(Cont. on next page…)

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But let’s start with the other, more significant character: Emmet Brickowski! The opening scenes of the film are what make up most of the trailer, Emmet (voiced by Guardians of the Galaxy‘s Chris Platt) doing “jumping jacks”, paying $37 for coffee, and absolutely loving everything about everything. The trailer does a fantastic job of setting up the type of humor you can expect throughout the entire movie.

Emmet’s whole characterization is being so plain, boring, and unoriginal. He even goes to great lengths to fit in and make friends. But Em happens to blend in so well, that even his yellow, generic-faced “friends” don’t even realize it when he’s gone. For someone who’s that overly optimistic, with no original personality, he carries the movie pretty damn well.

(Peter Quill/Star Lord this Emmet is not.)

If The LEGO Movie does a great job at anything, it’s inappropriate juxtaposition; they show something very serious, important, or dramatic, and then immediately show the most ridiculous, silly, and hilarious thing in their next breath. It keeps the viewer on their toes, so the movie never takes itself too seriously, but it also has enough drama to balance out all the outlandish scenes, and move the plot forward. And they bring the silly pretty hard.

The waiting room for Comic-Con preregistration this year sucked.

Speaking of drama, I’ve played a few LEGO video games, and was expecting a lot of the tired old “things just fall apart” schtick, and the movie to just rely on that for humor. Fortunately, I was very wrong! Quite the opposite, actually. There is a lot of very quick building done by all the “master builder” characters in the film. And they all take things falling apart very seriously. In fact, there is one point in the movie where a certain character is essentially decapitated (which for a kid’s movie I thought was kinda dark, but they pulled it off!), and afterwards was considered “dead” for the remainder of the movie…

In the rules of this movie’s world, these little LEGO characters are mortal!! They can die!! It makes the danger in their whole mission just that more serious, and makes you want to root for these characters even more.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the visual effects. Explosions, steam, water, smoke, and anything else they have to represent using only Legos, the effects are absolutely beautiful. Even though these elements are made with little rectangular blocks, they could not look more fluid and realistic.

Scarier than Galactus? Will Ferrell as Galactus.

Will Ferrell is the main antagonist of the film, and actually plays a bigger role than you’d expect. So if you’re a Will Ferrell fan, you won’t be disappointed. . . buuuut, I won’t get into that to avoid anything too spoilery.

The movie does include Batman — perhaps the prime reason GHG‘s resident DC Minister is reviewing this in the first place — and Will Arnett does an awesome job bringing this parody of the character to life. LEGO Movie’s Batman has the personality of a narcissistic jock, talking himself up, not wasting his time with things that aren’t bat-themed, or dark. While urgently building a submarine, Batman still has his priorities straight, and calls out: “Give me all the black pieces; I only work in black. And in some cases, very very dark gray.”

Also making an appearance is the rest of the Justice League, although they play very minor roles. Jonah Hill plays an extremely annoying Green Lantern that bugs the crap out of Superman (voiced by Channing Tatum), the comic relief for this comedy (which is pretty impressive, considering all the non-stop laughs going on!), Wonder Woman makes a few appearances “to the invisible jet! . . . . dang it” and The Flash is on screen for… well, for a flash.

I akways wanted T2 LEGOs!

The rest of the supporting cast includes Elizabeth Banks as Wyldstyle (which is a ridiculous name, but after watching the movie, even that makes sense), Morgan Freeman as Vitruvius, the wise, blind guru of the film who’s amazing voice is reason enough to head to the theater. Alison Brie as Unikitty, a combination of a unicorn and a kitty, which is probably my favorite character in the movie… don’t judge me (No worries, Gabe; Unikitty is probably my favorite in the video game version, too. – Moody).

One of the coolest feats in the film is watching Liam Neeson play both Good Cop/Bad Cop. Seriously, I had no idea Good Cop’s voice can come out of such a bad-ass man. None of the characters are one-dimensional either, all presenting great motive, awareness of consequences, and development throughout the film, which is a lot to ask for of a “kid’s movie”.

The LEGO Movie is a genuine good time for all audiences. I haven’t spoke with anyone who hasn’t really enjoyed it. I originally went in not expecting much, but could not stop laughing the entire time. And if this review doesn’t convince you, maybe this will: Name another movie where Batman jumps off a pirate ship to party with Han Solo on the Millennium Falcon.

Thought so.

5 (out of 5) Brick Bibles.

Our LEGO Movie video game review (for all consoles) will be posted this Tuesday.

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Justice League: War is based on the comic book created by a couple guys you may have heard — Geoff Johns and Jim Lee — delivering the New 52 to animation. Inspired by the first 6 issues of Justice League, this War follows Superman (Alan Tudyk), Batman (Jason O’ Mara), Wonder Woman (Michelle Monaghan), Flash (Christopher Gorham), Green Lantern (Justin Kirk), Shazam (Sean Astin), and Cyborg (Shemar Moore). While Shazam takes the place of Aquaman from the comic book, it has since been revealed that the King of Atlantis will indeed make waves in the next JLA movie.

So calm down, purists! Curry will get his time to represent.

Nobody here likes Seafood anyway.

And why would all these mighty heroes need to unite, but to fight a supervillain.. oh.. named Darkseid (Steve Blum)? An intergalactic wormhole has been opened so Darkseid can funnel in a crazy and damn ugly group of cyborg aliens to take over the planet. I think that’s what they are. Can anyone tell what those damn things actually are?!

What makes this JL film different from previous incarnations is the fact that, this time out, none of the superheroes have met previously. With that, War offers the freshness and originality of discovering these characters all over again. Some join quite harmoniously to battle the threat before them, and others…well, let’s just say it’s a good thing there’s a shitload of aliens to kill!

Yet, despite the majority of the movie showcasing an all-out battle, all of our heroes are given significant “screen time” to display their powers. One of the feature’s most pleasant surprises was the abundant amount of humor. Yes, of course, I’m referring to the continued “out-dicking” of Green Lantern and Batman. The sarcastic wit of the writing team allows these otherwise fratboy moments to play enjoyable.

The things you can find these days at the bottom of a box of Fruit Loops.

Wonder Woman has the naivety of a little girl in a giant playground, where everything is just new and amazing as she tears through aliens with her sword. If nothing as dire or as vicious as Flashpoint, the movie does have its share of serious moments. Cyborg‘s origin story in particular — with young Victor having to deal with a neglectful father who appears more interested in science than his son — is quite sad. And despite the fact everyone and their mama knows the deal, the Divine one promises you’ll still feel for Bruce when he reveals his dire reasoning for fighting crime.

With Justice League: War taking the lead-off spot in DC’s new series of animated movies, there’s no question I’ll be looking at the next one to steal second base. There was a pure delight in seeing all of these crazy heroes on the same screen, so far that it took me back like a little kid waking up early on a Saturday so that he wouldn’t miss a second of “JLA.” Except now, we got Rudy a.k.a. Raphael a.k.a. Samwise Gangee having us all spouting out: SHAZAM!

3.5 (out of 5) Bibles.

(Q&A on next page…)

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No! No! No!

Save for Kevin Costner, who’s become somewhat of a revelation in his third career (directing was his second) as a supporting actor, there was nothing right with the fifth film to feature the poor American man’s 007, Jack Ryan. Then again, it’s been almost 25-years since Tom Clancy’s covert creation went cherished.

Pa Kent: Black Ops.

What Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit offers that Bond Senior’s The Hunt for Red October, Indiana Solo’s Patriot Games duet, and Batfleck’s The Sum of All Fears didn’t.. is technology. Using modern sensibilities, such as HD digital cameras and trickier shooting techniques, far rangier stunt work, and Captain Kirk (because Chris Pine is freaking cool), this Ryan certainly isn’t without its moments. Expect suspenseful interrogation — once the opening 20-minutes finally wrap up the film’s dreadful exposition; a neat, semi-humorous CIA mentorship between Costner and Pine; and heart-pounding car chases that should make the Diesel proud. In fact, this movie feels more Fast & Furious 6 than CIA operative. And that’s not the issue.

Jack Ryan‘s problem is in its obviousness. I can’t possibly tell you the last time the Monsignor was this baffled by so many genre clichés. Get your popcorn — and your pencils — ready:

Post-9/11 hysteria? Check.

So much for “warp speed.”

Evil family secrets? Of course.

Spared hostages? Duh.

Russian terrorists? You know it.

The subtitle is also quite ironic. Shadow Recruit, because Pine’s attempting to fill some big shoes? Or Shadow Recruit, because Thor director Kenneth Branagh (who also swings it as Soviet magnate Viktor Cherevin) wanted to be cutely ironic since this Ryan certainly has no problem walking, driving, and running in plain sight? Despite Pine’s dutiful performance, this spy reboot’s seriously silly. Seriously, silly, because Ryan is plagued with a terribly inconsistent screenplay, complete with a rewrite from Carlito’s Way/Spider-Man scripter David Koepp. Many of the scenes scorch by as if they were vignettes, and then a few run on the lengthy side of uncomfortable (i.e. the dinner “scene” between Keira Knightley‘s medic wife and Branagh’s one-note drunken devil is just a snooze).

You know, Natalie wasn’t my first choice…

For a film that finds its protagonist constantly running and typing or typing and running, Ryan never finds its footing: Serious. Dumb fun. Serious. Dumb fun. Pick one! Instead of capturing the classy sarcasm and spy-slyness of, say, Skyfall, or athletic honesty of the Bourne series, Recruit makes me wonder if the film is no more an excuse to show off some beautiful shots of Moscow (despite the antagonizing threat coming ONCE AGAIN to an all-familiar and tiring destination).

Like one wise former congregant told me recently, “[Jack] did get dumped into January. I’ll still see it for Chris.” She’s got a point. But even if a highly likeable Chris Pine is enough during this most dormant film-going month of the year, I wouldn’t mind seeing this crumbling legacy of Tom Clancy hit the road either.

Never to come back… No more, no more, no more.

2 (out of 5) Bibles.

Paramount Pictures’ Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit hits theaters this Friday, January 17.

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“All good stories deserve embellishment.”

I found that line from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey running through my head as I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Peter Jackson’s second installment in the trilogy of films that are somehow being conjured out of J.R.R. Tolkien’s revered children’s book, called simply The Hobbit. I’m very happy to say that Jackson’s particular brand of sorcery is working for me. It’s not just working; it’s kicking me right in the balls (In a good way, if I am being unclear).

I experienced the film in 3D, which was masterfully done. The 48 fps (which I initially considered heresy) barely made my eyes want to bleed at all this time around. The cinematography is nothing short of amazing, especially during the plethora of fast, action-packed, extremely mobile fight scenes expressed via several series of seamless tracking shots. One particular scene involving some barrels, a seemingly endless amount of enemies, and our hilariously hardcore dwarves speeding down a river earned a round of applause from the audience.

Jack Trippin’.

As is to be expected, Jackson took a great number of creative liberties with the story. Having 275-pages of children’s tale as material for 8-9 hours of gigantic blockbuster necessitates one changing, adding, and embellishing. Following the hints from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, we see a LOT more of ‘The Pale Orc’ and the Necromancer; two characters that are not of vital importance in The Hobbit. Many points and details are taken from “The Quests of Erebor,” one of Tolkien’s so-called “Unfinished Tales.”

Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock”, Star Trek: Into Darkness) assumes the role of both The Necromancer of Dol Guldur and Smaug the Dragon. By the way? Smaug. Looks. Phenomenal. Sit through the credits and you can see just how intricate and extensive the CGI department is. Gandalf, still played by the fantastic Ian McKellen (X-Men) has a wizard/magic-missile battle with the Necromancer at one point that is nothing short of awe-inspiring. The Pale Orc, aka Azzog the Defiler (voiced by Manu Bennett) was an extremely unimportant character in the book (at least by comparison). In the film, however, he returns in all his CG terror as one of the main antagonists, still intent on collecting Thorin Oakenshield’s — played by Richard Armitage (Captain America) — pretty dwarven head.

“What? It IS pretty. For a dwarf head, I mean.”

While Elijah Wood does not make another cameo as Frodo, his character from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, we certainly receive generous portions of Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean) as Legolas, and a nice little bit of Cate Blanchett (The Aviator) as Lady Galadriel, as well (these two characters are not a part of the book in the slightest, but draw great crowds). A unique elven character, Tauriel — played by Evangeline Lilly (“Lost”, The Hurt Locker) — is also integrated into the story, adding a totally badass female into the picture. She’s basically like Arwen, but a crazy acrobat fighter like Legolas. She’s like a chick Legolas (Trust me – it plays). And as it turns out, Legolas has the hots for her, but she has eyes for someone else… The introduction of a compelling love-interest helps round out the series nicely; one of the many examples of wise additions made by Peter Jackson.

Random thought on an addition that might be considered “unwise”: is anyone else pretty mad at the fact that the orcs and goblins have their own languages now?

“We ain’t had nothin’ but subtitles for three stinkin’ days!”

It can certainly be said that this film is much more “sexified” or “Hollywoodized” than the novel. In the novel, hobbits are described as rotund, and Bilbo himself is described as over 50. Martin Freeman (Hot Fuzz, Love Actually) as Bilbo certainly does not fit that bill. The film follows the novel to a certain extent, embellishing along the way. It’s relatively easy to tell that Smaug the Dragon will not be a hugely integral part of the third film. It appears as though it will be mainly focused on the Battle of Five Armies, as well as resolution with Gandalf’s fight against the Necromancer, and Thorin’s feud with The Pale Orc. Considering the title for the third film is The Hobbit: There and Back Again (set for release December 17, 2014), some sort of resolution is basically guaranteed.

I suppose “Desolating Adaptations” might seem like a bit of a bleak title, but believe me when I say that I highly recommend this film. Expert directing and cinematography are augmented spectacularly by a breathtaking score by Howard Shore. The ending is about as much of a cliffhanger as you can find in gigantic films like this, which is refreshing and infuriating at the same time; like putting pepper spray in your lemonade. When I walked out of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, I had a bitter taste in my mouth. Walking out of Desolation of Smaug tonight has simply left me hungry for more.

And I’m especially happy that there weren’t any fucking eagles.

4.5 (out of 5) Tolkien Bibles.

WB’s The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug in theaters tomorrow (or bravely tonight at midnight), December 13.

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Frankly, this film-loving prioress could go on and on about Dragon Tattoo and how I felt Fincher’s film wasn’t nearly as haunting or mysterious. But, that’s not what this holiday write-up is about. This review is about Oldboy and whether or not it stunk like last year’s Turkey dinner.

Welp, I’m here to testify.. that in comparison to the original, ya ‘boy is indeed leaky, slimy and should be quickly taken off the market.

I want a Mister Socko, too!

Fans of the 2003 feature will no doubtly be annoyed by some of the changes, yet at the same time find a bit of solace knowing the overall plot hasn’t changed all that much. But right from jump, the first difference is the length of the protaganist’s imprisonment. In Spike Lee’s version, Joe (Josh Brolin) is locked away for twenty years, where as Dae-Su (Min-sik) was confined for fifteen. To be fair, that change didn’t bother me too much.

So, let’s get to what did: Lee’s decision to drop the narration. By choosing to do away with the voiceover, we don’t get the chance to get inside Joe’s head, nor do we fully comprehend how truly insane he becomes while in captivity. I mean, you’d go nuts too if you were forced to eat dumplings for 20-years straight.

When Joe is finally set free, we witness a cue taken from the classic Oldboy with Josh Brolin spilling out of the trademark trunk. Shortly thereafter, his quest begins to find the very person who locked him up in the first place.

And this is where the film really started to lose me.

Hey, it worked for Thor.

Oldboy is based from the manga written by Garon Tsuchiya and illustrated by Nobuaki Minegishi. I mention this, because what director Park Chan-wook and cinematographer Chung-hoon Chung achieved was a stylized thriller that harkened back to the source. While sitting through Lee’s film, everything was so out of sorts, it felt as if he chucked the manga — along with Chan-wook’s masterpiece — out the window.

But Lee wasn’t all together clueless. The epic hammer fight scene is in the film, as it wouldn’t be Oldboy without it. What Lee shot was sad in comparison, however. Come to think of it, this “new” Oldboy is pretty lifeless. Have you ever heard that term describe an ultra violent film before?

Maybe only in the case where zombies are forced to eat each other.

I WAS undefeated in “Casket Matches”…

Even if the end result isn’t exactly a blockbuster, you still gotta give Spike some credit for doing something a little different. This isn’t a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Gone is the stomach-churning squid sequence, and the torture scenes weren’t as brutal this time around.. even if they were still bad enough for me to cover my eyes. But, if you’ve already convinced yourself enough that you’ve got to see this, please at least matinée at your own risk.

Which makes me feel for the talent involved. Almost-”Batlin” delivered (hey, beats the term “Broman”, but not quite “Batfleck”), as did the recently announced “Scarlet Witch” (for Avengers 2), Elizabeth Olsen, as a nurse who helps Joe find his abductor. Sharlto Copley (District 9, Elysium) was strong as well, albeit a bit too cartoonish. Yet, the standout for this Sister was French actress Pom Klementieff . She doesn’t have a single word of dialogue in the film, yet somehow leaves a lasting impression.

So, what’s my verdict, congregation? Easy. Don’t waste your holiday money. Spike’s offered far better entertainment through his courtside antics during Knicks games. Come to think of it, what was FilmDistrict drinking/thinking releasing such a violent film Thanksgiving week?

O’boy.

1.5 (out of 5) Bibles.

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The particular location adds to both the vibe and humor of the movie. Rain. No pants. Dry. You’ll see.

I ought to consider a helmet.

The bad news? Film critics are doing their damnedest to batter the Odinson with as many Fisher Price hammers as possible. You see, they’re sick and fed up with comic movies, with these.. super heroes, with Marvel, DC, and with anything else resembling the “mindless, formulaic, and mechanical” bankable actioneer. I guess I don’t blame them (other than the dastardly review that claimed there wasn’t enough Loki? Were you that delusional, mate?); but, then again, these tried-and-true tropes are typically all the more reason to fight another day. With The Dark World, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) finds plenty of motivation with a looming 5000-year annual convergence of planets and a charmingly malevolent brother locked in their own parents cell.

Time to shine up that trusty uru-clad Mjolnir.

Fans of Thor and the Avengers shouldn’t tire of the sequel’s briskly paced action sequences either, as new director Alan Taylor delivers his “Game of Thrones” setpiece expertise. The fights are far more frantic — with plenty of that classic comic humor this time (courtesy of current Superior Spider-Man Team Up scribe Chris Yost and company). And although I wish that magnetic opening bout wasn’t already spoiled in the trailers, it apparently didn’t matter to the majority of the Hollywood preview audience who still responded to the God of Thunder’s initial arrival. The new “stiffening” of Thor might also be confused for his newly matured comfort, as the running gag of a man out-of-place — besides a lil’ funny UK wink or two — no longer feels necessary. Taylor certainly builds off the first film, sharply alternating from dark material to light…sort of akin to flipping the pages of a Marvel comic book. Whaddya know!

Oh Hel, it beats my performance in Prometheus.

Malekith the Accursed, as the film’s primary villain is nothing special; but other than Magneto, Galactus and Thanos (and the sometimes so bad he’s good Dr. Doom), are really any of the Marvel villains? You know Thor isn’t going to lose at the end, so there’s no point in delving too much into the inconsequential origin. Someone fucked with his people, so he intends to fuck back. And, the man (played by the frightening prosthetics of Christopher Eccleston) has a damn Darth Vader inflection! That baritone was enough to get me glued. Malekith — a foe you can read more about in the current Thor comic written by Jason Aaron — intends to seize the Aether, which is neither about the Nas diss track to Jay-Z or the Phoenix Force. It’s yet another ancient piece of “utter chaos and destruction!” that will go alongside the Tesseract (see: Avengers) quite nicely. Either way, you know this Mcguffin is Hela expensive. You probably couldn’t find one at a Con, unless you stumbled and slipped upon it at the food court.

Once this laser spaghetti show touches London — and more importantly touches Thor’s shorty, Jane Foster (played again by the impossibly hot Natalie Portman) — all Hellheim breaks loose. This is when Thor 2 gets real good, real fast. In order to retaliate for the partial destruction of Asgard (read: Siege, the 2010 Marvel event), the Odinson must use the help of Loki (Tom Hiddleston, who, at this point, is completely aware he steals every scene) to get to the Accursed who’s more than ready to call it a Dark Night. Before some tense moments of untruth and humility between the two, Thor gets a riveting hand from the Warriors Three. Kudos to Zachary Levi’s Fandral for badassness in particular. And if you weren’t sure of Jaimie Alexander and all of those recent Wonder Woman rumors lately, her Lady Sif is a practical audition for the part — and I approve. She’s got the look. More than anything, watching Loki and Thor interact like grade school brats bitching over the last creamsicle in the freezer offers the film’s funniest moments and much-needed emotional beat.

Do you ever get to the beach, brother?

Still, Thor: The Dark World may not have been required viewing without Taylor’s brilliance during the film’s climactic last stand. Before the director gets to his answer for those Man of Steel cynics in mind, we enter the sporadic earth humor of our favorite astrophysicists — and their not-so-lonely interns. A lot of their scientific, often clumsy, mumbo-jumbo is needed for the Dark Elves end game, of course, and thankfully, the director uses camera science to swiftly avoid the same chaos that led to the aforementioned superfilm’s cynical sorrow (I loved M.O.S., but I’m speaking for the 98% of you). If nothing else, Taylor stages one of the coolest fight scenes in superhero movie history.

Call it: Ultimate Convergence.

The sequence’s whimsical editing physically displaces any possible wanton destruction, all the while keeping the audience both red-bellied and off the edge of their red seats. For the majority of Dark World, Taylor does an apt job at doing two things at once. There’s always movement in the near perfect marriage of fantasy and science fiction we shall call Thor: The Dark World. It’s up to you, then, to witness quite possibly the best Stan Lee — and fellow Avenger — cameo ever, and catch the pair of awesome end credit scenes. Go. This weekend. For Asgard!

4.25 (out of 5) Mjolnirs.

Marvel Studio’s Thor: The Dark World in theaters nationwide this Friday.

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