DEADPOOL [Film Review]: …Makes Me Drool.
So, I’m just sitting here with my rubber diaper on (the elastic-laden waistband and leg holes fighting back against my blood-pulsing flesh, so as not to go slack like Wilson Fisk’s played-out, leaky pajama bottoms), trying like a mealy-mouthed mercman to capture some smelloquence; with this Douchepool review I’m hacking-and-slashing together right now. Too bad my katanas are about as sharp as my mottled foreskin! The air is so thick with my own ebullient jouissance, that I’m hyperventilating on it like a true coprophiliac huffing Sasquatch’s jenkum that he dogpiled somewhere under the Canadian backwoods nearly six months ago..
Perhaps you’ll find within your bleeding black hearts, the pity to proffer your pardons, upon my puns, and pardon my delay; as I was supposed to have this review posted 48-hours ago.. Got a little distracted helping the Poolcat stuff the chimichangas up to the geish; but we both kind of fucked up, and went full-on Alabama Hot Pocket instead. We didn’t even bother to attempt to throw down any of that culinary-cutthroat-Anthony-Bourdain-type-shit behind Blind Al’s back, either; and it was her idea for us to wrap the Twister mat over the sofa and go three-way Hot Carl instead. I just hope we can Boston Pancake that musky sludgepile, once we’re all done.
Since I’ve already set the visual stage for you, and I’m still hanging teabag-deep right here in Pooly’s shithole apartment, I thought this review might go best if we just drop a little Q&A for you geeks. Right here. Right now:
“BAD PREACHER” JASON BUD: So, your eponymous film, Deadpool, finally drops nationwide, this coming Friday, February 12th, 2016. We know Marvel had 20th Century Fox distribute this joint, and Tim Miller directed the motherfucker. How does it feel to further slay the mass media shark, and Jeet Kune Do your fourth-wall-breaking, shit-smack-talking, bullet-brain-splattering ass, all over the billboard-sized digital movie screen? Isn’t this one of the last mediums left for you to lay your death stroke upon?
“DEADPOOL” WADE WILSON: You know? The fact that I (Van Wilder‘s Ryan Reynolds) even agreed to do this needless promotional bullshit for you and your no-ass-getting-endlessly-virginal-geek-a-leek-nimrodded-asshat-friends.. just became even more adulteratedly doucheridden due to the fact that you started this off with a shameless plug for the suited movie studio pigs and the shitty comic brand rag that continues to attempt to keep me forever shackled within the confines of these quasi-dimensional realms of mediated “reality” that we know as: comic books, graphic novels, video games, and movies!!! Fuck, they even have my happy ass trapped within the cardboard-cutter parameters of automobile dashboard air-fresheners, children’s coloring books, loaded craps dice, and feminine hygiene products! I just wanna know when the fucking porno comes out, and how many people they’re going to cast to be in My Own Private Bangpool. You know I’m omni-sexual, and I’m polymorphously perverse, in a true Freudian sense (and yes, I’m still fixated on the rectal stage, obviously)..
JASON BUD: Wa…
DEADPOOL: AHEM! All of these insufficient forms of media, ultimately hyper-castrate my abilities to completely unleash all of the Weapon X Program initiatives that CanGov’s Department K has bestowed upon me. They loaded me with soo many inconceivable talents, that there is NO conceivable WAY, we can even begin to tap into all of that unparalleled, immaculate glory, within the limited space of this fucking blog review! Why the FUCK are you wasting MY TIME with this predatory capitalistic, hero-yolking bullshit, by reminding me of the fact that I have yet to find a way to forever break free of this manufactured, contractual paradigm, that those money-mongering shit-hoarders continue to hold under my nose like a soggy culebra cigar that looks like a big brow, limp dick; that hasn’t even had its foreskin pulled back so you can smoke the motherclunker, let alone even having that F-O-R-E-S-K-I-N cut off???
JASON BUD: Oh, easy. All you…
DEADPOOL: No. YOU could’ve at least asked me for a wave of my Japanese cockcutter, so I could trim and smo… Now, get the %#$& outta my dumpy digs, Jason–and you can forget about that Beantown iHOP with the extra icing. I’ve got a little downtime planned with my stuffed unicorn, and the Jergen’s bottle.. Go WATCH the fucking movie, DEADPOOL, AGAIN, and get back to me with what you really think. #Preach
JASON BUD: OK, Wade. I realize we didn’t really get into reviewing Deadpool, but trust me when I say: your furry X-Men-filming friend, FOX — yes, FOX — has done poetic justice to the Merc Mouth. Don’t waste any fucking time dipping your toes into the Wading Pool; get out to the theater, throw down the Andrew Jackson if you have to, and see this MF. (Just don’t forget to bring your plushy unicorn, and the Jergen’s.) If you can’t hide that big lotion bottle in your jacket pocket, just squirt the extra butter into the popcorn barrel, grease the piston, and be sure to drain your ball gravy into your furry quadruped while you stroke its magic horn — like.. you’re rubbing Buddha’s Belly. Just go all Zenpool on that muthafuckah… Oh…and make sure you sit in the very back row of the theater. Duhhh!!!!!!
20th Century Fox’s Deadpool in theaters next Friday, February 12th (DOH! And down go the Rotten Tomatoes score!)