Fantasy Football [Recap/NFL Week 1 Preview]: Auto-Drafting Our Str8 Way II Hell!!

“Monsignor” Travis Moody: Ever play a Fantasy Football league with 3 wide receivers? Of course you haven’t. Welcome to the Wacky World of GodHatesGeeks, where nothing — not even the virtuous land of fantasy sports — is ever the same. Rough draft for everyone who actually drafted across the board, huh?

Billy “The Mad Monk” Mau: I actually have. A few times. I once played a league that started 2 quarterbacks, but it was run by a moron.

Moody: Guess who did that last time he ran a league? Ahem, moving on…..

Billy: You amaze me. I can’t speak for the roughness of other people’s drafts because 1.) I wasn’t there and 2.) Everyone else got at least one starting running back.

Moody: Who’s starting over your Darren Sproles? He’s a fantasy stud, isn’t he? Or, at least, was supposed to?

Billy: You and I have very different definitions of stud, Mr. Moody. He’s a 3rd down back at best (who I “selected” with the first pick in the 6th Round).

Moody: David Meggett and Kevin Faulk would be proud! And, same with your other starter, Shane Vereen (last pick of the 7th). Being a New England Patriots fan, I saw a lot of Vereen when Stevan Ridley needed a drink of Gatorade. You’ve also expressed displeasure with your starting quarterback, the San Francisco 49ers’ das wunderkind, Colin Kaepernick. If he’s not going to have that same Falcons-era Michael Vick level of Fantasy production from his feet, then what do you think of him as a PASSER? Is he changing the game with this Pistol/Run-Option stuff, or was that all a dream for the man selected 36th? The guy with the big arm still won the Super Bowl, or the guy with big arms, if you want to give the lot of the credit to Ray Lewis…

Billy: I think he’s a one year wonder. The entire league has tape on him now, and teams are building defenses to stop it. The run-option is a fad like the wildcat. It works great until the league catches up, then you go back to real football. But, since Alex Smith is in KC, there still won’t be a last laugh.

Moody: Surely nothing humorous about that organization…

Billy: Kap and RG3 (Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins, selected by the Reverend Rivera’s D.C. Puckish Rogues late in the fifth round) are going to have to learn to play NFL football or they’ll be crippled in five years. The option has been run forever in college because there is a huge talent gap there.

Moody: Yeah, speed vs. slow lumbering white boys.

Billy: Every few years, someone brings it to the NFL; everyone thinks its the newest thing ever and then 2-years later, it’s back to real football. So, they may put up fantasy numbers now — like Kap stealing some carries from your #1 RB Frank Gore (pick 3, Rd. 4), who’s a #2 in my book — but I wouldn’t want them in a keeper league.

Moody: That’s what makes the NFL so great. For every change/gimmick/trend we see go on, The League always reverts back to what has always been intended, originally: hard-nosed football. The Steel Curtain. The Lombardi years. The NFL always comes back to play on both lines. As for “keeper” leagues, ouch. To me, they’re more horrifying than 3 Wideout/no Flex leagues…

Billy: I may have given you shit for not reading the rules of the league YOU set up, but I really don’t see the issue with having to use 3 wide receivers. We live in a passing era. Even in flex leagues, I usually go WR with that spot anyway. With that said, you still need at least one good running back — even if the position has been overrated the last few years.

Moody: Whew…? My 5th best positional player might be the Rams’ new starting RB Darryl Richardson (taking over for the Atlanta-departed Stephen Jackson), but I’m content with the Colts’ T.Y. Hilton as my 3rd wideout. With any Luck, some people are even saying he’ll have a bigger year than Reggie Wayne.

Billy: Bigger, no. Good, yes. Whoever says Hilton will have a bigger year doesn’t watch that team, or probably football whatsoever.

Moody: Roster rules catastrophe or not, I do have a pair of stud wideouts (if Hilton is merely “good”) in Roddy White (Falcons, 10th overall in the 3rd round) and Megatron. I’ve never had the privilege of drafting Calvin Johnson before, so call me Super Excited-Man.

Billy: Super Excited-Man.

Moody: Ha! If Gore is my #2 as you claim, then I’m hoping Green Bay’s new rookie Eddie Lacy (pick 10, Rd. 5) is that #1. You know my QB Aaron Rodgers will be chucking it all over the field with some monster #’s (4295 Yards, 29 TD’s in 2012), but that could lead to some easy 2-3 yard goal line runs. I’m going to become a Packers fan this year. Sorry, mum.

Billy: I wouldn’t want Lacy starting on the same fantasy team as Rodgers, but, then again, I’m also generally against starting players from the same team anyways. While you might think it’s a win-win (if Rodgers throws, you get points; if he hands if off, you get points), but if the Pack have a bad offensive day, you’re hurt in two spots. You want your RBs to be on running teams and your QBs on passing teams. I could see a QB/WR combo, because they compliment each other. Lacy and Rodgers are competing for points.

Moody: Good.. point. Had I known Andre Brown was going to get hurt in the Giants last preseason game, I would have taken David Wilson. He was on the board forever! There’s going to be a lot of peeps in our league shaking their head on that one — with the case of fumblitis, or not. As far as our QB’s, they do battle this Sunday in Candlestick. Who’s going to win the real game?

Billy: I’m picking the Pack over the Niners. They spent the entire offseason preparing for this game. If they are smart, they’ll run a bunch and eat the clock, but the game is built around the arm of #12.

Moody: Sounds like a “win/win”! Talk about your D for a moment. You have the Houston Texans (not too far from where you reside). How good are they and how important is D in a fantasy league? I know a former manager of mine in a bar league last year was getting ridic stats from Chicago…

Billy: They are important if you have a good one. For the most part, defense and kicker points are gravy and having a good one of either can swing a game. As for Houston, I don’t see how their D won’t put up points… Watt is still a beast, Cushing is back and eventually Ed Reed will put on pads and get his 5 picks. On the flip side, bad defenses can kill you with negative points. Also, anyone keeping more than one defense on their roster (except on the main D’s bye) is a moron. Same with kickers and tightends.

Moody: I forgot Reed went there! Shit! I think I saw some GUY who will go unnamed (wink, wink) draft 3 D’s. Some real wacky shit happened in this draft, like some Reverend drafting Tim Tebow (who was cut today from the Patriots, despite tossing 2 touchdowns last night) and unsigned free agent Brandon Jacobs. I picked up Sebastian Janikowski late. He doesn’t get many PAT’s since the Raiders hardly get in the end zone (especially this year with Terrelle Pryor?), but the old man can still kick those 50-60 yarders. You like him still?

Billy: Of course. For kickers you want a field goal machine, especially those who come from bad teams. Unless your kicker is kicking 7 extra points a game, you don’t want one from a team with a good offense. C-Bas is exactly what you want from a kicker. Lots of leg, lots of FG tries and lots of connections if you need some Date Rape drug.

Moody: Haha! Kick his leather ass, C-Bas! I don’t think a back-up tight end is bad if you’re looking at an early bye (say Week 4 or 5), or you need a solid handicap to help out a Handicap, like my choice in Zach STUDfeld to help out the wounded Gronk (the only player on my team I had last season in Fantasy). When healthy, there is no one better.

Billy: You only take extra TEs if its someone you don’t want someone else to have, since pretty much every tight end is the same. You’ve only got like 3 or 4 who aren’t currently being held together with duct tape — or facing a murder charge – so, whoever you can get on a bye week is as good as anyone else. It’s a position that usually is only going to get you 4 or 5 points unless you have an elite guy. Save the bench slots for players who can get you points. Jason Witten still gets you points. But, I hate the Cowboys… I like the Tyler Eifert kid in Cincy.

Moody: What was the biggest steal in our draft? Or, who do you think will break out that necessarily didn’t get picked high?

Billy: Tayvon Austin in round 11 could be big. He’s the Rams’ first round pick (and Derek Divine’s), a speedy WR out of West Virginia. If EJ Manuel plays well, Lance’s aptly titled Greyskull Meatheads getting Stevie Johnson in the 9th is huge. You getting Hilton in the 8th is good, and I really like that other rookie DeAndre Hopkins, despite the fact the Texans’ #2 guy generally is looking at about 550 and 4 TDs across from Andre Johnson. This kid might fare better with 600-700 yards and about 5 TDs, but loosens coverage for AJ who will probably have 1300 yards and 8-12 TDs. I think Miley Cyrus’s foam finger from the VMAs was molded from Hopkin’s hand.

Moody: Haha! Speaking of “reach a-round’s”…. Who was the biggest reach and worst draft pick besides the injury-riddled? I believe I saw a few…

Billy: Everyone in the 1st round. Trent Richardson? No thank you. C.J. Spiller? Two rounds too early. My team picked last on auto-draft and took Dez Bryant. That’s a reach by two rounds, too. Rodgers should have been first round, along with Drew Brees. I think Ridley in the second is a reach — 8 spots before Tom Brady was picked! — but that’s more of a product of all the reaches in the first… Rid may have had 12 TD’s last year and there’s a heap of new receivers in New England (Welker’s now catching balls from Peyton in high altitude), but the Pats always play with scrap heap receivers, throwing 594 times last year (6th overall) and ran 415 (22nd) overall. You don’t pay Brady to hand off, period. And, as far as Michael Finley getting 18th overall is concerned, whoever’s team is the Snootchie Bootchies must have been high at the time.

Moody: Always the possibility! Thankfully, Derek’s Disciples weren’t around the cheeba to miss on picking the consensus #1 in any league, Adrian Peterson. This is God Loving Football. It was Derek Divine’s birthday, so our congregation made a deal with the God bless him. And to think, Derek’s most well-received article was covering the hit History series Vikings. Ahhh….

Billy: He’ll be the 5th or 6th best back. History, my man. Who was the last player to follow up a 2000 yard season with a good year? Or, even Derek’s other choice, Chris Johnson? He is exactly why I don’t trust AP, since nobody’s ever been the same since his 2000 yard season (The Club: OJ in 14 games[!!], Eric Dickerson, Barry Sanders, Terrell Davis, Jamal Lewis, CJ and AP). While Purple Jesus is a little more stable between the ears than CJ, you still should never want to have the first pick in a fantasy draft. The pressure is always there to pick the big dog from last year, but few people are ever the best two years in a row — and when they fall, they fall fast. The top picks this year had to take AP, or be scorned forever. It’s an arranged marriage. They may bounce back a year after, but the 2K hangover is real. Look. AP can still rush for 1500 and 12 TDs and it’s going to be considered a disappointment. My favorite RBs are guys with a more diverse game, like Aaron Foster and Ray Rice — 2 awesome receivers out of the backfield. I’ve never liked Johnson because he’s a one-trick pony, and if he wasn’t coming off an ACL, the Chief’s Jamaal Charles (Neophyte’s 1st choice overall at #4) would be my top pick. A dude that fast in an Andy Reid offense gives me flashbacks to Brian Westbrook winning league titles for me.

Moody: Ahh…or LT. Why was there such a worry on Foster this year? He slipped to 6th in our draft. I really wanted Rice, but of course he was gone by the 10th. Though, some may argue in a 3 WR league that I did well with Megatron.

Billy: Foster hasn’t played all preseason, but he’s always hurt in camp. Foster always scares you in camp, then is cash money all season long. So forget the Texans’ “Coach Speak” on saving Foster — due to their Super Bowl aspirations — with more carries for the talented back-up Ben Tate, who would start on almost any other team. He was hurt last year, but the year before Tate almost had 1000 yards — and that’s with Foster putting up 1400. I was so hoping for Houston to roll out two 1000 yard rushers, so maybe they do that this year since Tate is in a contract year. He wants to start somewhere next year, so expect him to come in with a bloodlust every time he spells Foster. With all that said, however, I still think either Charles or LeSean McCoy (Ray’s pick #3 overall) will be the top RB this year just because they have such a diverse game.

Moody: I almost went with Tate late, but I figured you wouldn’t get much of a workload. Guess I screwed up there. I just hate picking back-ups unless I own their starter and they are effective players (like, there’s no reason to get Toby Gerhart, EVER). Should be interesting to see the way new coach Chip Kelly uses both Shady McCoy and Vick. Can Madden’s most dominant player of all time have a nice rebound year?

Billy: If you have Michael Vick (Derek’s last pick of the 6th round), you keep him until you’re sure you don’t have to since he’s essentially useless for fantasy at this point in his career. He fumbles too much, throws too many picks and gets hurt too much. Playing him is a huge gamble. Vick’s a guy you draft late and hold on to in case he heats up, then you trade him…preferably to someone dumb.

Moody: This isn’t 2004 anymore, Dorothy… Let’s wrap this up. Which Fantasy team in the GHG League did the best job not auto drafting, or who’s destined for glory?

Billy: I won’t pick a long term winner, but I like the starting lineup of the Boston Batflecks (and to think you only whined about it your draft in your never-ending quest to fish for compliments!). Lannister Lefties are primed for trades with their roster. I like their draft just on getting both Brady and Peyton Manning, and they also have 3 solid RB’s plus Tate. She could use a little help at WR, but they have the goods to make a trade. As for my team, I’d be OK not winning a single game just so everyone else can take a turn beating Off A Hobo.

Moody: I thought Savanna’s draft was brilliant. They picked the best talent on the board instead of reaching. Her cool “Brady-esque” draft strategy certainly put her team in contention. I really liked Comics Bulletin‘s very own Jason Sacks’ draft (the one guy far away who didn’t auto draft). His Seattle StuporSonics drafted Foster at #6 (an immense slip, perhaps) and picked up the aforementioned AJ and Julio Jones in this terrifying 3 wideout league. His Seahawks’ Russell Wilson was also the 2nd hottest fantasy QB (after Breeze) from Week 10 onward. Not sure I’d pick a D with #7, but then again, it was Seattle, after all…

Billy: Cecil Shorts to the Steady Mobbers. Ugh. Good draft from Ray Getsbusy, otherwise. My issue with the StuporSonics is too many Houston players. Johnson, Foster and kicker Randy Bullock starting? Too many eggs in one basket. Plus Jason’s got Matt Schaub on the bench. I’d package AJ and Schaub for Brady and Miles Austin.

Moody: Maybe he’s planning on moving his Comics enterprise down south. Cheaper labor? Ray may have actually gotten a steal with Maurice Jones-Drew in Round 2. Could be a reclamation year for MJD. But Cecil at Round 6? Call all of that nonsense autodrafting our straight way to hell. I’ll give the First Annual GHG Fantasy Football Draft 3 Bibles. A lot of teams didn’t perform too badly — despite the fact no one had a clue we’d be going with 3 wideouts — and for half of the congregation to actually make their own picks is a miracle of this day and age of latent busy-ness.

Billy: This “Auto” Draft gets 5 Satanic Bibles because it was an unholy abortion. Plus, Tebow was drafted, so obviously we had satan to balance it all out…

• The Mad Monk’s Fantasy Pick Em’s of the Week: Off a Hobo over Teblows (I’m a homer), The Team Formerly Known as the Boston Batflecks for One Week A.K.A. the Band of Beliebers over Hong Kon, Snootchie Bootchies upset Meatheads, StuporSonics over Rogues, 50 points to Gryffindor Patronus for beating Derek’s Disciples, and the Mobbers beat Lannister because you can’t play 2 QBs.

• Moody’s NFL Week 1 Pick Em’s: Thurs night sees the Broncos over the Ravens, the Phins over the Browns, the Lions over the Vikings, the Chiefs over the Jags, the Bucs over the Jets, the Saints over the Falcons, the Steelers over the Titans, the Bears over the Bengals, a possible “Upset of the Week” with a pumped-up home Panthers over the dangerous Seahawks, the Pats over the Bills, the Pack over the Niners, the Rams over the Cards, the Sunday night game sees the Cowgirls over the Giants, Monday Night Football sees a triumphant Vick beat his running QB successor RG3 with the Eagles over the ‘Skins, and the nightcap sees the Texas winning one on the road over the Chargers in San Diego.

We’ll see you next week, fantasy geeks!

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