FAR CRY PRIMAL [Review]: Far Cry Threepointsevenfive.

FAR CRY PRIMAL [Review]: Far Cry Threepointsevenfive.

Howdy congregants, you read the title correctly — and, no, that is not the score that Far Cry Primal will be receiving. If you were wondering what Ubisoft chose to do with this “new, innovative take on Far Cry”, then bask in the disappointment with your one and only Gaming Templar (and not these money-grubbing “review” sites in the video below)…

Point blank: This game is Far Cry 3 with a SECOND re-skin; hell, it’s the same game again. All Ubi did was change the setting and take away the boom tools–but we will venture more into that a little later. If you are a fan of the Far Cry franchise and would like to play in a new setting, then read on. If you were hoping for innovation and some form of creativity to make a great game even better, then don’t even bother…

Far Cry Primal puts you in the bare-feet of a caveman with a limited arsenal of weapons (none of which go BOOM!). You basically have a bow, a spear and a club. While there are different variations of these, those are all the primary weapons you get. That should — obviously — read as no surprise, seeing how the game takes place during the time period of 10,000 B.C. Still, despite the addition of a crazy, stone-shooting automatic weapon that is nowhere near unrealistic, the name is.. Far.. Cry (i.e. “bullshit”). I mean–who plays a game where you become a superhuman capable of taking down entire nations single handedly and doesn’t expect some sort of fantasy?!!?! Oh yeah, they gave you animals…

When there's a 50% off sale at PETCO...

When there’s a 50% off sale at PETCO…

Moreover, Takkar (that’s your name and you can’t change it) can’t shoot up entire settlements with an AK, but he can tame the local fauna. This is done with the type of bait you may have remembered from Far Cry 3, or Far Cry 4 (a.k.a. 3.5). Instead of bait attracting animals to maul and eat your enemies, this time around the bait turns the beasts of the land into little minions that you can sick on your enemies or even ride. So yeah, there’s one new feature of the game (not good enough for taking away the BOOM!, though). It’s so refreshing that I can climb on a mammoth and trample my enemies. Great new addition, Ubi… wait… you mean mammoths are just like the ridable elephants in Far Cry 4… god dammit, Ubi, find that originality!

Let’s talk about the huge map of the land of Oros. Its empty. There are trees and rocks and rivers and mountains. The amount and size of settlements is pathetic. The only other aspects you will find are animals and resources you need to collect. When I say collect, I mean horde! Everything is so expensive. If you want to upgrade your weapons, prepare to run around grabbing everything you can get your little cave hands on. Even then though, the resources amount to rocks, wood, flowers and animal carcasses.

No. That's not disgusting or anything.

No. That’s not disgusting or anything.

Are you still reading this? Good for you, then; you have more patience than me! Let’s talk boss fights, since Ubi decided to add boss fights to this game — or, moreover, super-humans that take about 400 spears to the head to kill. And yet while I slayed both of the main bosses on the first try, that only consisted of running around in circles and throwing spears at them. And clubs. And arrows. And bee bombs. Bee bombs? Yeah, that’s what replaces your “BOOM!” arsenal — a bag filled with bees. Surely a nice addition, but I was more annoyed with the fact that it took at least 30-minute to kill them.

There is no wing-suit in this game. Instead players can have an owl mark targets for them and drop bees onto your enemies. But, funny enough, these cavemen do have a grappling hook. Holy technology, Batman! Cavemen are pretty darn smart in this “realistic prehistoric survival game.”

And with that, I’m getting tired of writing more about this. Believe me when I tell you: all those other big video game review sites lied to you. This is not a great game. They get paid to write nice reviews about games like this, while this Mighty Templar couldn’t even get a review copy for free. Even so, if you’re as big of a fan of the series as I am, Far Cry Primal might be worth the 10 or 15 bucks you need to shell out for it at a yard sale a few years from now. You don’t want your wallet getting raped by Ubisoft again.

2 (out of 5) Bibles.

2 (out of 5) Bibles.