ROH Final Battle 2017 [Preview]: The Sean & Shawn Show.
Shawn: Before 2017 comes to a close, we’ve got time for ONE Final Battle. And what better place to do it than the Hammerstein Ballroom?!?! It’s Ring of Honor Final Battle 2017!!! And since it’s the Holiday season, my brother from another mother and myself are taking a vacation and leaving you in the — say what! — hopefully capable hands of our dopplegangers, Mr. Machismo, Jay Lethal and the Beer City Bruiser..
Lethal: That’s Black Machismo to yoooou mmmmmhmmmm… Dig it?
Bruiser: Final Battle is here already ?! I’ve been battling these three cases of beer all day! I’m ready to smash some faces !
Lethal: Ooooooooh YEAH!! This grudge match started after the Addiction decided they were going to destroy everything ROH fans love. Mmmmhmmmm. I’d really like to see them try that, yeah. The fans love Jay Lethal, mmmmhmmmm, and they sure as hell AIN’T BEATIN’ ME!! … Yeah. DIG IT!!
Bruiser: I saw those guys in Addiction holding martini glasses and reading comic books once. Those War Machine guys have beards and you know they smell like mead. There is little to nothing Kaz and CD can do to stop the mass and speed that is War Machine !
Lethal: Matt Taven is one lucky guy. That’s all I’m going to say about that mmmmhmmmm. I’m sure you all saw him get the win against me on ROH TV THIS PAST WEEK after that Villain, Marty Scurll, tried to get me to HIT HIM WITH HIS UMBRELLA, DIG IT!! That’s not who I am anymore. Friday night Will Osprey had better hope the Kingdom isn’t allowed at ringside, because they’re nothing more than a distraction and I’m learning more and more that the numbers game will beat you EVERY TIME!! YEEEAH!! I don’t expect to see Taven steeeeeal another win. Ospreay wins mmmmmhmmmmm.
Bruiser: (crushes beer) Who ? Ospreay does more flips than I do pop-tops. Taven got lucky? Against YOU? Well, I don’t think he’ll get so “lucky” again. Wouldn’t shock me if that Umbrella fella shows up either.
Lethal: You don’t do anything but grunt and drink, dig it? mmmhmmm… Why didn’t Flip Gordon ask me to be his partner against the Hung Bucks to take their titles? More of this nice guys finishing last stuff mmhmmm. This mismatched team of superstars had better hope the straight and narrow works for them. The Bullet Club is no joke. No joke at all mmmhmm. Flip should have come to me and put together a team that has MEGA-POWER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT, YEEEAH!!! But they didn’t. They didn’t and now they get the Bullet Club. Bullet Club. They LOVE TO INTERFERE. Love to interfere mmhmm. MARTY SCURLL YOU BETTER NOT INTERFERE CAUSE I’M COMING FOR YOU IF YOU DO!!!
Bruiser: Superkick ? SuperCliq ? Those guys are more about selling t shirts than selling matches. I’ll be drinking room temperature beer and having a better time doing that instead of watching this spot fest. Who wins ? Who cares. Bullet Club “fans” buy their crap. So they win.
Lethal: Ring of Honor Television Championship. Four-Corners elimination match. The Last Real Man Silas Young. Ooooooh yeeeeah. THE LAST REAL MAN MY FOOT!! Silas Young, the last time you faced Jay Lethal, DON’T THINK I FORGOT BRUISER!!! ME AND YOU STILL GOT ISSUES DIG IT!!! I’LL BREAK THAT KEG OVER YOUR HEAD!!! LET’S GO!!!! YOU WANT A PIECE OF THE BLACK MACHISMO!?!?!?
Bruiser: Bwahahahaha ! Come on little man ! I’ll take that keg off you , empty it and then bounce it off your head like we’re on Piper’s Pit and I’m the one wearing a kilt !
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!! Enough. Lethal, Bruiser, you’re out!! Sean, take his keg and let’s kick this thing. So much for our vacation. I don’t even know where we are. … TV Title Four-Corners match??? This should be interesting. I don’t know about Shane Taylor but the other three are all deserving of this title. Kenny King. Remember The Beat Down Clan? I won’t hold it against him. He’s actually pretty good and the current champion. I think Taylor and ROH’s answer to the Undertaker, Punishment Martinez, are going to eliminate each other, leading to a feud between those two big men in 2018. Buuuut, I could see Young stealing this thing. Yup. I’m calling the Last Real Man leaving New York with the Television title. Now pass me a beer Sean.
Sean: Here you are my good sir. I do enjoy all four of these men in the match. All work hard and are deserving of more than they have been given to work with. Silas might get scooped up sooner than later, as well as Punishment. King is long over due, but Shane ain’t no pushover either. I’m going with Shane since it almost sounds like Sean/Shawn.
Shawn: Ugggh… Of course I walk in to talk about the Motor Shitty Machine Guns. I loathe these guys. I don’t care that Michigan is a mitten so you can show me where you live on your hand. But if you look close enough, I’ll slap you in the mouth with my hand!!! I’ve never rooted for Trent Beretta so bad in my life. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever rooted for Trent Beretta at all in my life. Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything. Cool shades Sean, you steal those things from Lethal??
Sean: I wear these shades indoors, I’m that kinda guy ! Have been and always will be a MCMG Mark. (Points at hand)
Shawn: I am so torn on this one. I’m a HUGE Villain fan. I’m in the Villain Club and I subscribe to the belief that every club needs a villain, but come on. Jay is my dude. That’s my wrestling dopple-ganger. My alter ego if you will. … Alright, I’ll make a prediction. This is going to be a great match. Top three on the card. But after a lot of frustration, Lethal sees that being the nice guy doesn’t work. Marty will wish that he didn’t push Lethal the way that he did … or maybe he won’t regret it at all and they’ll welcome him into the Club with open arms. We’ll see. Either way, Lethal wins by nefarious means. Pass me another brew.
Sean: Jay Lethal better NOT join the BC ! For crying out loud! Marty & Jay will work hard and put on the match of the night. I see shenanigans happening, and maybe even a bit of spray paint gimmick. Why not ? They rip off everything else too. Marty wins by DQ.
Shawn: This one was JUST announced this week. Expect blood. Expect tables. Expect chairs. Expect mayhem. Expect Bully Ray and Dreamer to teach Dem’ Boys a lesson in extreme. And expect Bully to end his career with a win.
Sean: I don’t care who wins. I just want to see these four guys do what they do best. Kick the ever living crap outta each other. Violence. Carnage. KUNG Fu and angry promos. Can. Not. Wait.
Shawn: This is the match I want to see. I secretly love Dalton Castle. The guy is money and I wish he would have come over to the WWE. But he’s currently dead set on winning the ROH World Championship. I can’t blame the guy. He’s been chasing Cody for a while now. By the way, I love Cody too. Since leaving the E and going out on his own, he has done a complete 180 and has become a top draw and proven that he had what it took to be the guy even though Vince had other thoughts.
The patriarch of the Bullet Club walks into Final Battle with the ROH World Title and that Ring of Honor that he would love nothing more than to make Dalton have to kiss. At the end of the day, Cody taking out the Boys puts Castle at a HUGE disadvantage because where the champ is, the Buh, buh, buh, Bullet Club isn’t far behind. Cody has had a nice little run and it would be an enormous upset to have Dalton Castle walk out of Final Battle the new champion and it would set 2018 off with a bang. I’m going to get crazy here and predict that we have a Kenny Omega sighting at Final Battle and he accidentally costs Cody the title leading to those two facing off for control of the Biz Cliz some time in 2018. Dalton Castle walks into 2018 YOUR New Ring of Honor World Champion. Gimme another beer and take us home brother!!!
Sean: Damn it. I can’t argue with any of that. I’m all out of beer, so it’s time to go replenish the reserve. Dalton needs the win without the boys to show that he can stand on his own. Cody’s has had one hell of a year – but there would be no shame in losing to Dalton here. Send the crowd home happy ROH. Do the right thing ! Let that Peacock Fly !