Now, before I get on with this review, the Reverend would like to quickly touch upon Saints Row‘s previous three games. Those of you who know me, know that I can’t get enough of the open world franchise’s manic mayhem. But, to be completely honest with you (as if our holy church of geekdom would go about it any other way), the Rev didn’t get into SR until the summer of 2011, when trailers for SR: The Third flooded all video game sites and every bit of social media. I originally steered clear of the apparent Grand Theft Auto knock-offs — with their then sole focus on urban gang wars — and that proved a mistake.

A mistake I intended no longer to make.

Don’t get me wrong; I still and will always enjoy playing SR 1 and 2. However, when the third Row was released, I couldn’t help but nerdgasm to the fact that this shit was about to get full-retard.

And by full-retard, I’m talking what the Volition development team accomplished within their open sandbox:

-Call in airstrikes on rival gangs.

-Base-jump in the nude.

-Smack people with giant purple dildos.

Thus, it will forever remain one of my favorite games of all time.

So, when Volition said that Saints Row IV was going to have to take even further over-the-top than its predecessor, I was thinking to myself just how in the bloody hell would this become possible (English accent and all, I swear.) Sure enough, they went and proved me wrong.

Not one of my character creations, I can assure you.

Narrated by Jane Austen (yes, Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen), the story starts off where you, as the Boss (voiced by the one and only Troy Baker), lead the Saints to stop a terrorist group in the Middle East from launching a nuke on Washington D.C. (at this point, you kinda just have to go with it). As the nuke gets launched, you quickly jump on like Major Kong; and as you disable it, the game goes all Michael Bay with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” busting through the background. And, you’re probably singing this in your head right now, aren’t you?

Aren’t you?

Yes, you. Over there…

Stop lying.

Fast forward about five years and you are now the Mother#$%^&*@ President of the United States, along with the rest of the Saints as your cabinet (including the option of an online pal, in case you want to co-op). Suddenly, out of nowhere (well, somewhere, just not sure where), aliens known as the Zin invade the White House — now known as the “White Crib,” complete with stripper poles — abducting you and your entire team. No anal probing, surprisingly. You fortunately-unfortunate peeps are then placed in a virtual reality Steelport. Thus, it’s up to you, your hacker colleague Kinzie, and Vice President Keith David (masterfully playing himself) to free your team, create absolute chaos with your new superpowers, and show Emperor Zinyak that he just fucked with the wrong “puckish rogue.”

Since most of the SR4 takes place in a virtual world like The Matrix, you get to break all the laws of reality. Instead of “with great power, comes great responsibility,” it’s more like “with great power, I can do whatever the ‘F’ I want because I’m insanely awesome (tossin’ up them middle fingers like 2Pac)!”

Steelport is the new Compton. Or Pittsburgh. Yeah, Pittsburgh.

Throughout the game — which has no problem alien comboing SR3 with Crackdown — you’ll accumulate various superpowers such as super jump, super speed, telekinesis, and fire balls, which are upgradeable as you progress to become the ultimate badass. There are no bounds in the virtual Steelport. Find yourself outgunned by army of aliens? Not much of an issue when you can just take ‘em out with your super stomp, all the while listening to Montell Jordan’s “This is How We Do It.” Or better yet, start causing city mayhem with an alien tank or the mech suit, while listening to EMF’s “Unbelievable.” Oh, it’s like a sci-fi’d out VH1 “I Love the 90s!” Of course, there are a shitload of new weapons to choose from such as the Black Hole Gun (which.. you guessed it!) and the Inflato Ray (which inflates your enemies to the point where their bodies explode). Fun times! However, I found myself using the Dubstep Gun more often than any. It’s a gun that blasts flashing neon lights and dubstep music at your enemies.

See kids, Volition proved that listening to too much of that horrendous music will kill you.

Being ridiculously superpowered and using insane alien weapons are not all what makes SR4 so enjoyable. The game’s many parodies are just as great, including sci-fi fanboy homages to their pistol upgrades (Blade Runner, “Firefly”). In addition to all of the Hollywood nods and soundtrack bliss, there’s plenty of odes to great games too, such as inFamous and Prototype (the super powered gameplay element), and the Monsignor’s all-time fav, Mass Effect (by the way you interact with your team on the spaceship, not to mention romance them).

Boss: “Hey Kinzie, wanna fuck?” Kinzie punches you in the face, and then jumps on you.

Kinzie: “Let’s do this!”

(Must be all that pent-up frustration Kinzie and the Boss have from arguing like a married couple.. the entire damn game.)

Some of the tougher enemies include Lookie Lou.

But, nothing bats the homage to a film I actually had the privelage of screening and Q&A-covering earlier this year (which you can read right here), John Carpenter’s They Live. Oh, the irony! The game actually turnbuckle tosses in legendary WWF wrestler “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (and his actual voice) to re-enact his infamous fight scene with Keith David. WTF!?!? I mean.. David guest stars, and aliens are the bad guys. Why the hell not?

Oh, and, if you didn’t bother doing too much crazy character editing, or browsing online for hours at some of the many insane creations (a major plus for this 4th installment) Roddy Piper can then be used as a fellow Homeboy.

Hell, that’s not even the half of the humor that Saints Row IV has to offer. There’s a part where players will earn their Transformers moment by listening to “The Touch” from Stan Bush, all the while suiting up as the Iron Saint. Better yet, you start singing along to Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract,” and try to get Kinzie to sing along with you, but she just tells you to…do something terrible to yourself. There’s a sense of nostalgia from this soundtrack that is comparable to none other.

Don’t worry, baby; it was just a phase. He barely mentioned me in this review, anyway…

Sure, while the fanboy in me has taken over much of this review (don’t worry; it’s not even close to the highest rated on the net), I’m not going to lie about the graphics. They’re merely passable. But, maybe that’s why this fun-ass game was tucked away in the darkest cornest at E3, or perhaps I’m only noticing these defencies now because of the looming next-gen.

But, dudes and dudettes of the congregation, you’re not picking up a Saints Row game for the graphics, now, are ya? Of course not. None of the prettier games on the market could ever match up with the franchise’s out-of-this-world/out-of-your-mind zaniness. So, one bible falls off the alter. No biggie. Either way, Saints Row IV exceeds some very lofty expectations following the sheer insanity of Saints Row: The Third. Hell, due to this fourth entry, I’ve been intensely sleep-deprived, living off little more than energy drinks (if only they sold Saints Flow in stores) with a mind so warped, I keep having dreams that I’m buck-naked, blasting aliens asshats while shitty EDM was playing in the background.

How’s that for an impression? Through four mighty games, Volition has chucked over street gangs, zombies, and aliens… Whatever’s next, you can bet the Rev will be amped and ready to go #fullretard once again.

And to think I only mentioned Troy Baker once. Okay. Now twice.

Dammit, Troy.

Okay, now thr…

4.5 (out of 5) Bibles. Half-ass graphics aside, this is one of the Year’s Top 3 Games!

Deep Silver’s Saints Row IV is currently in stores, wherever good PC, PlayStation3, and Xbox 360 games are sold.

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Seeing how this Father has been terribly swamped with work as of late (perhaps from all of the D23 backlash; thanks, Big D), I decided to hit the road for a theatrical triple threat: Elysium, You’re Next, and The World’s End. For the most part, it was a delicious movie sandwich. But, somehow, there was one ingredient that tasted like a far more than dated, moldy piece of boxed meat and cheese. Look, I loved Elysium (thanks Nicole for reviewing that one). The World’s End was everything I wanted and more (yeah, thanks Mr. Moody for cranking out that piece before I could). However, You’re Next… was…

Fuck that movie.

If you’re twerkin’ with me over on Twitter @themcphailure, you may have already read a bit of my ranting on this matter. The matter that.. if you want a horror/thriller without originality and enjoy cliched, dumber-than-dumbed down “entertainment,” then this is the movie for you!

Holy hell are these characters unbelievably stupid. I’m sorry, “unbelievably stupid” doesn’t describe them; how about mind-numbingly moronic. Jesus Christ, save me… I don’t even know where to begin with this level of idiocy. Every scene plays like so: “Look! There is a dead body! Better stay here and wait and not be with the others right now!” Of course, after all that sweet Oscar Mayer goodness, there is the “BIG REVEAL” or “twist” that they expose like 17-year old pickle relish to the audience.

My hands are shaking in anger just typing this…

Yet another man wronged by a girl with dyed hair.

While this movie may not be the worst horror movie I have ever seen (now, that’s scary!), I think I’d rather wait in line at the Hollywood DMV for another 2-hours than see You’re Next again. Every. Single. Thing… in this movie has been done multiple times before, but director Adam Wingard persists in showcasing elements he thinks are edgy, deep, and brilliant.

And, to think the novel was written by Greg Hurwitz (former Moon Knight/Punisher MAX scribe over at Marvel, and Detective Comics/Dark Knight author at DC), it’s a shame I have to give you all the Bad Word. Here’s a brief synopsis — and some spoilers — so you shall never waste your time being next.

A mother and father buy a fix-me-up house as the father’s retirement project. Since it’s their anniversary, they decide to have their now grown-up children join them at this house in the middle of the woods after years of not seeing each other. There are four kids. A son who is the know-it-all/judgmental/”audience-hated one” of the family (which every horror film has, who is also especially deserving of the “best” or longest death possible; but, even nuttier about this film is the poking fun at how long they make this one an especially long, pointless death. Hahaha…….fuck you.); the younger brother who used to be fat, but now skinny and proud (hmm.. sounds like someone I know); the sister in denial who merely wants everyone to be happy (awwww); then, the weird youngest brother (because no horror movie has ever done that before).

Reverend Rivera went to the movie thinking it was a live action Saints Row. Poor guy.

BUT WAIT!

Every single child has a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife! Yep, this idiotic family apparently found pathetic, self-degrading people to be romantically involved with. These exemplary beings include a rag-tag team of a liberal documentary filmmaker boyfriend, a “perfect” and loyal wife, a badass young girlfriend who dates older men, and a goth. Wow. Such fresh ideas. These 10 peeps are now stuck playing “This Old House” in the fucking boonies.

BUT WAIT!

One by one, these people are murdered (or run into wires at Barry Allen-level quickness…) by guys in masks. But not just any masks! Animal masks from Party City! Ooooooooh… Why don’t they use their phones? Oh, because the killers have a jammer, of course, you silly goose! (Or no service, since they don’t have Verizon.) Apparently, according to the film, you can just BUY one on the internet easily for $30!

BUT WAIT!

To be patriotic, is to love very shitty movies. USA! USA!

That would be illegal, as You’re Next was so ever kind to explain. Summing up the premise, the kick-ass chick thus takes things into her own hands and defends the house where even further shenanigans occur. Of course, all of this builds up to a big reveal of a twist! Oh boy! It’s akin to a slasher/horror being directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Here’s what sucks (well, everything, but yeah…):

-The blood looks fake.

-The characters are too stupid.

-The music editing was done by a very deaf child it seems; and the soundtrack itself kept repeating two songs on a speaker system that was… put on repeat? I should’ve brought headphones.

-The dialogue made me feel like a 16-year old girl being scolded by her parents after having my phone taken away.

-And, the acting made straight-to-video performances look Oscar-worthy.

-The movie has a 7.1 rating on IMDB and 80% at Rotten Tomatoes. And, you want to know what’s wrong with America?

The only thing scary about You’re Next was that my behind remained in the theater this long enough to tell it! But, hey, I can now say that I’ve been to hell and back. Finally, some more *SPOILERS* Let’s talk about that twist. How about the “weird brother” planning the murder of his family the entire time. Shocked? Even better, was that the reformed fatty planned it, too, but he’s the one now going out with the dangerous hot girl. Thus, he justifies the entire thing because.. well.. because.. he wasn’t making enough income.

Now, go see The World’s End before the world really fucking ends.

0.5 (out of 5) Bibles. Smite this movie, God. Please just do it.

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………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….nah.

Kinda. Shit. This was our first San Diego Comic-Con together as a team, together as GHG, and here’s our first ever Wrap-Up Roundtable for thee!

“Sister” Sherice’s Pieces, “Reverend” Joe Rivera, “Minister” Gabe Carrasco, Lance Paul “The Apostle”, Derek “Divine” Vigeant, Travis “Monsignor” Moody, and, our newest clergygal, Nicole “Fallen Angel” Brunner.

That guy to the far left? Already camping in line for Hall H. Yup.

No, we kid. We’re still working on that one, Nicole.

And, yes, we eat. We eat a lot. Deal.

We talk our favorite, most disappointing, most surprisingly, and balls-out best moments of the Geek Culture Super Bowl, with plenty of shenanigans. CLICK HERE to download the podcast if the Soundcloud isn’t working on your mobile device (it probably won’t), or you can stream from mediafire RIGHT HERE.

And, stay tuned! GodHatesGeeks is far from done with the Con, as we still got another week or so left of great coverage.

Check the hashtag #SDCCGHG for everything Twitter from San Diego!

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