WWE MONEY IN THE BANK [Ringside Apostle Preview]: All Cashed Out.

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK [Ringside Apostle Preview]: All Cashed Out.

The Hype Bros vs. The Colons (Kickoff Match)

“Monday Night” Moody

Just me, or has Zack Ryder looked like a fuckin’ heel? If you watched his appearance with Mojo on Talking Smack this past Tuesday, you may’ve noticed that something was a little off. That, or just the fact Mojo has been featured so prominently on television–win or lose–with various segments of him thanking Shane for match opportunities, talking about his future legacy and what the Andre Invitational Trophy means (although, it surely means nothing), etc. Mojo is about as white meat baby as you can get. Zack has always had a certain edge to him and I think now’s the time for him to unleash it–on his friend, nonetheless. Remember, they always talked about how well they got along despite their different attitudes, likes, and hobbies; here comes the chief difference. PREDICTION: The Shining Colon Bros get the de facto pinfall once Ryder drops the apron like the bad habit, leaving Gronk’s bff for #DEAD.

SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Usos vs. The New Day

“Pastor” Shawn Puff

So the New Day debuts on Smackdown Live and WHOOOOO immediately gets a title shot? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? … ahem… I’d normally would tell you how much I hate that but, if I could be serious for a moment, the Smackdown Live tag team titles could use a shot of rainbows, magic and unicorns. Am I wrong? I just can’t get behind the tag team title picture on Smackdown no matter how much I try. Maybe it’s just me but I bet not. PREDICTION: So anyway, I don’t think the Usos stand a chance in this match. They’ll put on a good showing. We’ll see some high flying and a few good spots. Don’t get me wrong’ I don’t hate Jimmy & Jay with this heel gimmick. I actually kind of like it. But is there any reason for them to win this one? Basically the Usos’ day definitely will not be H, but it might be ish. Smart mark money is on The New Day leaving your NEW… SMACKDOWN LIVE… TAG…. TEAM… CHAAAMPIOOONS … BECAUUUUSE!! … NEW… DAY ROCKS! NEW… DAY ROCKS! NEW… DAY ROCKS!

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Carmella (Women’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match)

“Reverend” Lauro Rojas

In a year that’s been full of women firsts at the ‘E, the annual Money in the Bank is now boasting a Women’s MITB match. With crowd favorites, Lynch and Flair, expect them to be on the losing end with flashes of brilliance. Also expect the Welcoming Committee to implode as all three heels have the Women’s championship in their crosshairs. If WWE is to continue their streak of swerves as of late I’d say keep your eye on Natalya. PREDICTION: But all chatter seems to be heavy on Carmella walking away with the briefcase as James Ellsworth is more than likely to play a role in the match, and maybe take a Bexplex through a table.

SmackDown Women’s Champion Naomi vs. Lana

Destiny “Evangelical” Edwards

Naomi’s reign as Smackdown Live Women’s Champion has been a disaster. Don’t get me wrong; nobody feels the glow more than me. I danced around my bedroom both times she beat Alexa Bliss for the blueberry cheesecake title (and as a loyal Blissfit, it’s hard to get me to pull against the Goddess) and I get more HYPE than Mojo ever could when the lights go down and her music hits. But let’s face facts: the only babyface champion in all of WWE has had the weakest reign in the women’s division since the revolution/evolution begun. First she had to forfeit the belt because her injury meant it couldn’t be defended within 30 days (a rule that seems to be ignored on the red brand, unless Brock has been defending the Universal Championship against Ice Warriors on Mars). And after getting her Wrestlemania Moment ™, she’s just been getting pinned in more meaningless tag matches than Captain Fookin’ New Japan.

So now, on the night the very first Ms. Money in the Bank will be crowned, she’s in a title match with goddamned LANA! Yes, Lana has been down in NXT working on her in-ring skill, but we’ve already been down this road before in NXT with Bayley and Eva Marie. And while that helped more people get behind Bayley–and Lana cares more about her wrestling ability than Eva Marie did–this does nothing for Naomi except make her look like an idiot since she was the one that suggested putting the title on the line. Does it illustrate that she’s a fighting champ? Yes, but you know what demonstrated it more? Giving a shot to Charlotte who has been proven in the ring and was able to give us a great, entertaining match before the Welcoming Committee (God, how I hate that name) interrupted. This will be the hottest of messes and Naomi deserves better. PREDICTION: Naomi is gonna snatch Lana bald—as in she is going to literally rip out those horrific extensions Lana has. And we still won’t know why anyone thought this was a good idea, unless Ms. Money in the Bank crashes the party.

United States Champion Kevin Owens, AJ Styles, Baron Corbin, Sami Zayn, Dolph Ziggler and Shinsuke Nakamura (Men’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match)

“The Dean” Gene Selassie

Whereas some matches on this lackluster card are quite the conundrum, this match in particular seems pretty cut and dry to me. Styles and Owens do not need the briefcase at this point. Despite his talent, Ziggler seems to be a lost cause with upper management. The briefcase doesn’t do well in the hands of white meat babyfaces, so that eliminates Zayn. Nakamura still has a lot to prove to the WWE audience; not because he lacks talent, but because booking and creative have already seemingly dropped the ball with him. PREDICTION: The only logical choice is the one that the powers that be have been salivating to put championship gold on — despite the fact that he still needs fine tuning — and that’s Baron Corbin.

WWE Champion Jinder Mahal vs. Randy Orton

“Father” #HeelSean Farrell

Orton has a championship title match in his hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, so… ummmmm ummmmm ummmmmm ummmmmm ummmmm ummmmmm… PREDICTION: Jinder wins again! A cause for yet another Smackdown Live championship celebration that no one in India sees! Daniel Bryan books them in a Punjabi Prison Match.. rematch! Yeah!