AMERICAN JESUS – THE NEW MESSIAH [Review]: Preacher’s Pit.

“If The Lord is all-good and all-powerful and all-knowing, then how did He NOT know that Eve would eat the Apple, that Cain would murder Abel, that Judas would betray Jesus, and that Pilate would crucify him??? Or is he really just the Devil in disguise???”

– The Undisciplined Disciple

Regenesis 1

The Reckoning

1 In the beginning…God promised the deliverance of a New Messiah; and since time immemorial we’ve seen delivered unto our doors, prophets young and old, and righteous and wicked, and false and true. 2 Yet throughout it all, it was only a matter of time until the sages of Image Comics, Inc. would deliver unto us American Jesus: The New Messiah.

3 What if the Holy Messenger of God was an angel that looked like a young Danny Trejo dressed as Mr. Roarke of Fantasy Island fame, and where do you think his plane-loving sidekick Tattoo might be hiding??? 4 Is the latter perhaps the personification of the Holy Ghost??? 5 Is the aforementioned enigmatic figure, this invader of young Luciana’s dreams, to be believed as he belies unto our young heroine that the very Earth we walk upon has been ruled for eons by the same thirteen Satanic families?

6 Those who refuse to release their multi-tentacled grasp upon the ruling elite who many believe actually run this freak show we call Life??? 7 Who comprise the real Illuminaughty Ones??? The Corporatists? The Banksters? The War Profiteers? The Bohemian Grovers? The Rothschilds? The Bilderbergers? The Hamburglars? 8 And how the hell does Ronald McDonald and the Grimace factor into this multifaceted, clusterfuck of a puzzle piece valueless meal, if at all???

9 And who are these protectors of our heroine, Luciana, and her unborn Messiah that the Holy Messenger of God bespoke of??? 10 Might they be comprised of some clandestine coterie of celestial assassins, specially trained in the heavenly methods of Salvation, by The Lord Himself??? 11 How will these Holy Seal Team Saviours uphold the Commandments of Ten when they may perhaps be trained in the very ways of defying the Holiest of Laws???

12 What if the date of the Final Messiah’s immaculate conception did actually begin in the Year of Our Lord, 1974??? 13 Had the parents of most of you who are reading this scripture right now even had their first date yet??? 14 East Harlem was an unearthly hellish place in that time, and understandably a lot of jokers and clowns were on the left and the right sides of the streets in those daze…

15 And who among you wonders what became of the friendly neighborhood abortion sinner, Doctor Burns??? 16 He who was suddenly stricken with an ocular stigmata of crimson locusts raining down from under his eyelids??? 17 All before he could perform of his unholy deed, only to be spirited off to some Presbyterianland, to be cured of his calamity…

18 Would the possibility of a late arrival of a Wise Man’s trio manifested in the earthly forms of Pat Robertson, Kreflo Dollar, and Joel Osteen be enough of a “Holy Trinity” to guide our AmeriCon Jesus, our New Messiah, into our direction??? 19 So that he may deliver us unto the Promised Land, the Forbidden Eden, the very one the Consumerist Serpents have long forsaken us from???

20 Or is the remedy for absolving the collective sins of our weary and mortal flesh to be found through old-school Pentecostal methodology??? 21 By application of jugular-bound rattlesnake venom while we simultaneously quaff strychnine libations??? 22 Will doing so as we speak in tongues bring us the salvation our species needs???

23 Mark Millar and Peter Gross‘ American Jesus: The New Messiah will deliver unto us his Gospel of the Armageddon, and we will praise Him, and we will love Him, and he will show us the error of our daze… 3.75/5 False Prophet Margins.

-Jason Bud

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