DEADPOOL 2 [Film Review]: Three’s Hump-on-me.
Well, I’m just sitting here…wearing my Jergens Hermetically-Sealed-Self-Lubricating-Hazmat-Grade Bodysuit (complete w/ a sphincter-diameter-engorging, triple-ripple-unicorn-plug-attachment), hunkered down cheeks-deep in Wade Wilson’s lime-stained peanut-log basin; all the while lung-sucking a two-part mixture of M-Pro 7 gun oil and Liberal Penetrator firearm solvent, wondering how I’m going to up the bullet chamber count from our GHG Deadpool Movie Inter-Re-View, from 2016 – and I gotta let ya know that super-huffing these ballistic chemicals has given me more than a couple of bad ideas to break fourth wall bad with…
So…lemme climb outta this bowl, and we’ll head out to the Wilson Family Room, and have ourselves a lil Deadpool 2 Party powwow…
JASON “BAD PREACHER” BUD: ‘Sup Scrotum Face? Been a couple years since we’ve had a chance to chop the socky… Now, seeing that your first dalliance onto the silver screen, in 2016’s R-rated Deadpool, allowed you to make in excess of $780 million worldwide for the dollar-sniffing suits over at 20th Century Fox, are you the least bit trigger-fingered over the fact they didn’t parlay any of that massive profit into a bigger budget for Deadpool 2; and also, what are your thoughts on: dismembering sex slave traders, falling in love, headlining a family film, wearing mutant dog collars, referencing bad ‘80s pop music, continually skewering both the MCU and DCEU, and contemplating the notion of possibly altering previously-established cinematic timelines by utilizing the stolen tech of a one-eyed man with only one human hand???
WADE “DEADPOOL” WILSON: Is that a lumpy stream of jenkem seeping out from under my bathroom door, where is my M-Pro 7 gun oil, and why is my Liberal Penetrator solvent can half-empty?
BAD PREACHER:Mr. Pool, can you stick to answering the questions, please? They’re only giving me 3-minutes to interview you for this press junket.
NATHAN “CABLE” SUMMERS: Yea, focus on the mission here, Katana Boy! You told me these comic-book-coddling civilians were coming to your shithole H.Q. today to be briefed on our recent master plan to initiate our superhero strike team, now known as X-Force…not to mention that you promised military contractors would be present to further expand my personal arsenal and technological capabilities. I told you I eventually wanna get back home!!!
BAD PREACHER: Mr. Pool, can you answer the questions regarding the DP2 budget, and give us your thoughts on the film?
DEADPOOL: First, let me go on record to say ultimately my concerns regarding the meager budget for DP2 are of no real concern at all, since I co-wrote, produced, and star in the film; meaning of course, that I’ll be bagging a Robert Downey. Jr.-sized portion of the box office; and even though we had to pay millions of dollars in clearance for the rights to use scores of pop culture references across the board, I’ll still come out smelling sweeter than Colossus’ WD-40ed jockey shorts in a Springtime rain – especially once all the tickets are sold and the revenue lands in my offshore accounts. My financial planner wants me to go full-on crypto with most of it!!! Said I need to digitally diversify…and when it comes to slicing-and-dicing-and-bulletizing the slavers, the kooks, and the criminal class, I’m the best at what I do, and I do it very nicely!!!
CABLE: Without my cyber-muscle and tactical expertise, you’d still be holed up in that plastic cage with the pyro kid in the “ice box,” wearing your matching dog collars. I’m the one who saved your sorry pockmarked ass, and you know I’m the rightful leader of this group of undeserving mutants; even though you initially found them with the intention of taking me out, so you could play big brother to inferno boy over there.
BAD PREACHER: Mr. Cable, can I call you One-Eye? Is it true you were contracted by Fox to bring your time-shifting mayhem from beyond the pale, in order to elevate this burgeoning franchise beyond the stereotypical superhero movie clichés that the X-Men films have become, and the Deadpool/X-Force project now risks engendering as well – due to the fact that there are numerous sequels already planned out that will most likely manifest as gratuitous money-grabbing???
DEADPOOL: Now, let’s not get our collar in a twist there, Preacher! Being the meta-critical, fourth wall-breaking, Merc-with-a-Mouth I’ve always been, I’m taking the liberty to tell you and the entire gawddammd planet, that the decision to transfer my initial existence from the world of two-dimensional print and across every known medium into the fully-realized existence known as cinema, was entirely my own; and it was a part of my grandmaster scheme from the very beginning!
(Continued…) Ol’ One Eye was only asked to tag along with me, once I decided that I’d need a sidekick to handle the fabrication of my hollow-tip wadcutters, the sharpening of my twin katanas, and the dry-cleaning of my red-and-black mercenary leotards!! Deadpool 2 is a trans-narrative work of art that any true Renaissance Man, Woman, or Child, would be envious of having created themselves; as it seamlessly hybridizes the cinematic genres of action, comedy, and drama – while effortlessly investigating and unpacking the tropes of: criminal enterprises, karmic return, love and loss, the development of surrogate families, mental instability and psychological redemption, reclamation of the soul, and traveling time across dueling cinematic storylines in an effort to unfuck the thoroughly fucked up.
CABLE: You candlewax-faced sonuvabitch! Just gimme back my watch and the teddy bear…
BAD PREACHER: Deadpool 2 opens nationwide, on Friday, May 18th, 2018. If you’re not able to butter-drench your popcorn before you enter the theater, don’t worry none! As part of a promotional effort to give DP2 staying-power at the box office, every seat will come equipped with it’s own unicorn head-shaped Jergens dispenser. NOW with a FREE glass Cable Eye inside!! Empty your eyesocket!!! 4/5 X-Force Skin Jobs.
-Jason Bud, Wade Wilson, & Nate Dawg