E3 [Sony Press Conference]: Witnessing Murder in the PS4th Degree!

“The” Christian Seufert: Stream-time!

“Monsignor” Billy Mau: I wanted to be subversive and watch it on my Xbox, but the darn thing doesn’t play with flash. THE MAN has cockblocked my subversion.

Chris: LMFAO dude I got it up on my Xbox, because Microsoft deserves my small, personal kick in the balls.

Billy: This “pregame” I’m watching should be called 50 Shades of Beard; it’s full of geek stereotypes.

Chris: That’s always a shame, but I can always respect a solid beard though.

Billy: Now there’s a dude with a fauxhawk and a tattoo on his neck that looks like it would feel at home under one of Miley Cyrus’ boobs.

Chris: I’m gettin’ jealous now. [Undisclosed corporate gaming site] is all composed and professional and you get a bunch of Sideshow Carnival Bob’s.

Billy: Luck of the draw. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not the biggest Playstation fan. I’m hoping to be impressed, but my next gen angst is high!

Chris: Yeah? What about Xbox, how you feeling about that? I am a Sony fan, but have had Xbox the last 5 years because of cost..

Billy: I skipped the PS3 entirely, referring to the ownership of one as “a poor life choice.” I’m not all that hot one the Xbox One. We’re at a point where everything is changing and I feel like an old man shaking my fist at the new consoles. Back in my day, a gaming console only played games…and even then, you had to blow into the cartridges until you passed out. We didn’t know if a game was really good or if oxygen deprivation was taking affect AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY.

Chris: Hah! So I guess I’ll be the excited 12-year old to your dust-for-balls old man opinion on the new stuff. Oh shit, Sony time! Right? haha

Billy: Yup. Looks and sounds like an eHarmony commercial so far.

Chris: They want us romantically involved with their system. And I thought Microsoft was trying to be the more invasive one.

Billy: I’m getting the impression we’re going to hear “social” and “sharing” a lot. Look, I play games because I hate people. CEO isn’t wearing a tie. This is going to be a party.

: Seriously!? Oh man, shits about to get CRUNK up in this bitch (I regret typing that, but only a little…).

Billy: We’ve just started and you’re already going to time out. VITA! Viva la Vita. This Vita integration worries me. How long before it becomes a mandatory accessory? Thankfully, they’re kicking arse behind with The Last of Us, which is about the only thing so far that would steer me to PS4 so far…except it’s not for PS4.

Chris: Last of Us looks perfect though — totally a selling point to me. It feels like something that will make me care about the characters as much as I did in Bioshock Infinite.

Billy: Ahh…such a nice transition, from death to babytown frolics.

Chris: “We know what makes sense, but we don’t care.” Willem DaFoe looks even more like a raisin as a video game character. There’s Beyond: Two Souls a.k.a. Juno 2, and — even if you’d rather nap than play a racer — the next-gen detail in the new Grand Turismo 6 is gorgeous. I want one of those Pod-lookin cars, and call my character Zebulba. As for the showing of Arkham Origins, even despite the fact it’s not an exclusive, it’s a win. The cinematography looks in-fricken-credible, with the addition of Deathstroke and Deadshot. And… Joker is there too!? Wow.

Billy: Woo Hoo, Adam West skin — and there better be the NAMBLA Robin.

Chris: Maybe that’ll be a DLC.

Billy: The Ol’ Chum pack. Finally, the reveal of the system; looks like the PS2 and PS3 had an ugly baby. VHS-looking or not, here’s the thing about me when it comes to home comfort: I don’t care what the console looks like. This PS4 is a utilitarian design, except for those angles! How do you fight an Xbox? With a Prhombus (possibly p-rhombus). And, let’s give credit where credit is due: Sony went through the nonsensical non-gamer shit (Netflix, Music Videos, etc.) rather quickly. Next game: In a world where a steampunk Ron Swanson fights monsters….

Chris: If anyone can fight werewolves, it’s Ron Swanson.

Billy: We go from The Order 1886, to Killzone 4, which has always looked a little generic to me; and how is Killzone a new IP, or was The Order the only new IP they were announcing. Infamous: Second Son? I hear it’s set in Seattle. I demand a grungier soundtrack. If we can’t get Nirvana, the second choice is Sir-Mix-A lot’s “Posse’s on Broadway.”

Chris: Hah! The PS4 has really shown a “Knack” tonight with some strong launch titles. That is really how they have to get people to buy it, considering how bad they did with the PS3 at launch. Knack sorta reminds me of Ratchet & Clank, and I loves me some good Ratchet & Clank.

Billy: I hear ya, but you can never be too smitten with these presentations. The PS3 far out-powered the 360, but never really used it. There’s no truth in this art. For instance, where are the hipsters pretending to write in that coffee bar? Screw you, Watch Dogs.

Chris: Watch Dogs doesn’t approve of soy milk. This is an assumption I’m making based on their use of violence being so awesome. I want it. They have me convinced. It looks like it could be a very challenging game. I’m a big fan of something that I have to think about as much as it seems like I have to think about how to get through a mission in Dogs. And the combat is really smooth. Throw this along with Final Fantasy 15, Kingdom Hearts 3, and now consider my dick pulled.

Billy: This NBA 2K “open mouth” presentation from Bron-Bron reminds me of George Michael’s virtual kissing breakdown on the new season of “Arrested Development”.

Chris: YES! Haha. Speaking of awkward transitions, it’s Bethesda time and – as stated in the PrE3 discussion — I can’t wait for Elder Scrolls Online. But I’m gonna play it on Xbox, unless its exclusively next gen, which it can’t be. I hope you can use your Skyrim character.

Billy: Bad idea. A bunch of day one gods running around. I’m torn on ESOnline. I don’t really like MMORPGs. Again, I do not like people. Wait… *chokes* Fallout 4? No, Mad Max? Boom. Called it. Just walk away now. This is set back in the good old days, back before Mel Gibson openly hated women and jews. Fallout took a lot of its design cues from Mad Max. The big diff is no internal combustion engines. This… and now the announcement of used games is huge — since I’m a broke gamer.

Chris: Selling used games is such a big deal! I hate that that is true but Microsoft took away something so precious and Sony has given it back. Okay, so you CAN sell used games and buy them, you DON’T need to be online to play, and you DON’T have to authorize them. Right now: Sony>Microsoft.

Billy: Destiny: It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Snow 100 feet in the air shooting you in the dick.

Chris: That’s more terrifying than any Elephant Spider or Ewok imaginable. All for the price of…$399. Oh! They Win. They win life. All of life. Sony may now end up getting a chunk of the market back that they lost with the PS3’s screw ups — and by may, I mean will.

Billy: I’m more impressed than I thought I’d be. The exclusives weren’t the key for me. It was a matter of DRM (digital rights movement) and price, and Sony won both. If I have any concerns left – sorry, I know! – they are still the deals with Bethesda and the PlayStation Network (PSN) functionality. Possibly that overdependence crap on Vita, too.

Chris: The price is what did it. Exclusives and use of tech with the Dark Sorcerer did it for me as well. They didn’t focus too heavily on Vita, so I’m not too worried about it…

Billy: Microsoft needs to counter with some kind of Aaron Rodgers-sized Hail Mary, like an exclusive on a Fallout game or a new Knights of the Old Republic (I think I just heard Moody shouting “yes!”). That would help. But, let’s be frank. Sony basically sent Microsoft a very clear message tonight: Eat a bag of dicks, we win!

Chris: And that was the subtle version of the message. Final thoughts?

Billy: Watch Dogs had the most appealing gameplay for me, but Dark Sorcerer is the one I’ll be talking about. And The Christian?

Chris: I went in on Sony’s side, but barely. When they announced a new Final Fantasy I was very excited, and seeing Versus XIII and KH3 threw me over the top.

Billy: Good deal. This was fun. 5 Bibles for me. Call me Sold.

Chris: Okay, Monsignor Sold. That might work…in a Bethesda game. This conference deserves the Bible Fiver for me, as well. No question!

Sony Press Conference = 5 (out of 5) Bibles. Unanimous decision. The clear decisive champion of PrE3!

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