FANTASTIC FOUR [Review]: Doom’d from the Start.

Now, I was told by several sources to avoid this movie. Okay, so the Belser was told by everyone. But since I’m just stubborn and I’d rather trust my own judgment, and, hell, it’s not like any more “geek” summer movies are coming out, I figured I’d hook up GHG with my assessment. Okay, again, nobody in this damn parish wanted to touch this with a 2000-foot Mjolnir.

But– in case you dare to read on as to why this movie is so damn “fantastic,” I’ve made it real simple for you…

FOUR reasons why you should avoid this movie at all costs (even free):

  • 1.) The Beginning of the End: This movie takes its origin from the Ultimate Fantastic Four¬†version. This means teleportation, not the real 616 Universe’s “cosmic rays in outer space” thing. Because most folks are not familiar with comics like that, you can lose a lot of casual folks. Plus, they stole a lot of elements from the Jeff Goldblum version of The Fly (i.e. teleportation that will “change the world”, drunken life altering mistake, etc.). Or, maybe director Josh Trank (Chronicle) and company just went with the “Ultimate U” to make up for their casting decisions. Either way.
  • 2.) In a Galaxy Far, Too Long¬†Away: FF is just one really long first act (for those not in the know, the first act of a film is typically — and essentially — the set-up or “origin” of the protagonists). For most of the movie, our “fearsome foursome” are working on the teleportation machine and dealing with the government, rather than character development. The climax was extremely rushed and just thrown together. (“Hurry up with the film, so we can sell Marvel these damn rights!”)
It's CRITICAL CLOBBERIN' time!!!
It’s CRITICAL CLOBBERIN’ time!!!
  • 3.) Pantless “Thang”: I’m gonna keep this short and sweet, since having Ben Grimm with no damn pants on made no damn sense. Plus, it was just bad casting. Jamie Bell (The Adventures of Tin Tin) barely talks, much unlike the comic book version of The Thing, and is around the same size as The Invisible Girl pre-transformation. SMDH is right.
  • 4). We’re not Doom’d; we’re fucked: Doctor Doom, much like many of my GHG companions, is my favorite Marvel villain. But, for some reason(!!), they just can’t get him right. They turned an all powerful monarch into a wannabe bad boy with some stubble and an attitude problem. Unbelievable.

Final Word, my fellow congregants, I don’t blame the actors at all. For the most part, this young cast does a fine job with what they were given. The writing took a lot of liberties with the source material — which hardly ever works with superhero movies — and it showed.

Not even Feige can save us now...
Not even Feige can save us now…

Fantastic Four is basically a set-up for a sequel that probably and hopefully won’t happen. The FF could be a potentially great movie franchise if put in the right hands. Strike 1.) That awful Roger Corman movie in the 90s. Strike 2). Those equally bad movies from 2005 and 2007 with Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans and a very miscast Jessica Alba. Strike 3). This trainwreck of a movie not named Trainwreck. Hell, maybe King James (a.k.a. the scene-stealing LeBron) should have played The Thing.

It’s simple, 20th Century Fox, you’re out!! Give the Never-Fantastic-in-Movies-Four to Marvel Studios like Sony just did with Spidey (well, technically, partially…whatever). Just do it. Now.

Quite obviously, the movie DOES NOT get the Belser Seal of Approval.

2 (out of 5) Belser Bibles.
2 (out of 5) Belser Bibles.
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