G.I. JOE CLASSIFIED [News/Rumors]: The ‘Wave’ On Cobra.

Travis Moody
@TravMoody

Good news, G.I. Joe fans. There’s a new wave of G.I. Joe Classified action figures a coming. Or that could be bad news, very bad news, depending on whether the wave is store exclusive (especially from.. *cough* Target again). Can’t wait to find out what big box retailer Hasbro chooses for these!

So, leave it to Australia’s Action Figures Industries to let this camouflaged cat out of the bag– the rumored wave that hardcore collectors and toy insiders have sorta kinda known for a while. While Wave 4 (assuming Classified’s Cobra Island is Wave 3, despite being exclusive) is far from official yet, there’s enough reason to dig into the wants and why’s of it all.

Wave 4 is expected to release in February. Hey, at least that placeholder date gives you enough time to decide whether it’s worth hauling your ass to Target 8 times a week/day and spending hundred$ on gas just to pray that Popfindr is right and Target employees don’t snatch these Cobra Island joints all to themselves. Holy f’n hell is right.

“Should you stay or should you go nowww?”



LADY JAYE

Another lady, especially one Lady Jaye is a more than welcome addition to the G.I. Joe Classified universe. While many were mostly happy with Wave 1’s Scarlett other than her hair being a bit too burnt orange (yes, my gal’s dew is painted red now and she’s all the more hot for it), and Baroness has taken the hearts — and scalper money — of Joes, Janes and wannabe collectors everywhere, let’s bring on more G.I. gals..

As a fellow Masshole, it’s good to know that Miss Jaye was born in Martha’s Vineyard. The Airborne Ranger-turned-Staff Sergeant was also quite the actress. Damn you Flint; Jaye and I were meant to be! Speaking of which, Flint’s name had been circulated in the Joe toy forums for some time now. So it’s a bit strange that the Warrant Officer/Egotist wouldn’t be paired up with Jaye in this wave. I guess that’s still.. Classified.


ZARTAN

Yes. But will his arms and chest color change in sunlight? In the pandemic, have any of us gotten any sunlight? You know, especially since we’ve been camping out in Target parking lots before sunrise? Either way, expect this Dreadnok Leader to go fast. Since many of us Joe collectors have gone on to suffer paranoid schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder from Target hunts as of late, picking up a Zartan certainly hits close to toy-hoarded home.

AFI had another look/leak, but, again, nothing about this photo is official. There go our wallets, though, right?


COBRA TROOPER

Hasbro has finally answered your prayers! Scalpers, army builders, and red bullseye employees have bought out entire pallets of Cobra Island Cobra Troopers, only to stack them all up on Facebook groups like a fucking game of Jenga. “Whoopeee!! Look at meeeee!! I’m a neckbeard!!!” Well, here you are, friends. Here is your chance.

But will this retail version of the Cobra Trooper — a top contender for $20 6″ Action Figure of the Year — be any different? I certainly hope no… so. Shit. I just want all these damn things, don’t I? I wouldn’t mind a classic Cobra Trooper look, or a variant color. Since I’ve “only” got two for myself I should have room for two more. I think.


MOVIE STORM SHADOW

Hasbro just doesn’t want to sell us a 6-inch Classic Storm Shadow do they? *insert cry laugh emoji* But this one makes sense, since it’ll likely be the same mold as the Arctic Mission Storm Shadow (which looks absolutely fantastic in hand, mind you). Fans have also had to deal with various renders of the next Storm Shadow, so who really knows yet how this ninja’s gonna look…

I’m guessing Movie Storm Shadow is the tatted-up Yakuza-meets-Sub-Zero version. While most will hate it, being a massive Mortal Kombat fan and Yakuza video game fan I’ll love it, and it will sell out, be scalped and damn near impossible to find unless Hasbro magically turns into Mattel over night.


MOVIE SNAKE EYES

Another Snake Eyes?? Well, duh. This is Hasbro, bro! But.. but.. but.. a wittle bird told me that we’d be seeing Major Bludd! Alley Vipers! Barbecue! And, yes, again, Flint! Wait, did somebody say BBQ!? The hell? But, naw. Hasbro, bruh. They gotta make sure we get our sweaty collector paws on 3 Snake Eyes (plus a rumored one with bike), 2 Storm Shadows, 3 Cobra Commanders (plus the hooded and DIC armored versions!), 2 Destros, 2 Cobra Troopers (maybe) and 2 flippin’ Roadblocks before we can buy any of the other.. oh.. 140+ A Real American Hero characters that could possibly be added to the line. Super.

As for the film itself, Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins, well, that’s been delayed just like the rest of the world for another year. Near damn exactly a year, from October 23, 2020 to October 22, 2021. So, yes, let’s get those figures out there 8 months before the movie! Just par for the course.

I have no idea what this Movie Snake Eyes could look like. I suppose we’ll all find out when they decide to release.. something. We don’t even have teaser images from their shoots in Japan (which supposedly wrapped a couple of months ago, but delaying a whole year makes you think the post-production and marketing campaign are gonna be heavy). Come on, Henry, screw those Paramount DNA’s– knowing is half the battle, you know that!

-Travis Moody

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