SHAWN “Pastor” PUFF: Well, it’s here: Slammiversary XV. Although, I’m so confused; it’s TNA’s 15th anniversary but only the 13th actual Slammiversary show — yet it’s also the end of TNA or Impact as they merge with and become GFW. So, is this Slammiversary 13, Slammiversary 15 or GFW presents Slammiversary 1?? If this is a sign of the night to come, this could get really confusing.
SEAN “FATHER” FARRELL: I’m already half a keg deep. I have to take my shoes off to count higher than 10. I don’t even know where my shoes even are right now! Who thought an OWL would be a good mascot for a WRESTLING company?
SHAWN: Let’s start with the most confusing match on the card… They’re going to unify the tag titles in a fatal four way tag team match. The only problem is that LAX already holds both tag team titles so aren’t they already unified? They’re facing Laredo Kid & Hector Garza Jr., Naomichi Marufuji & Taiji Ishimori, and Drago (of LU/AAA fame) & El Hijo De Fantasma (aka King Cureno of LU). Seeing as we don’t really have a tag team division worth noting–and that Drago and El Hijo are being promoted for this match more than the champs–I’m going with the new Mexicans to unify(???) the titles.
SEAN: I don’t care who wins. As long as it isn’t LAX. I’m serious as a late period that I’m already tired of Konnan on my TV. I think it’d make sense to have Marufuji & Ishimori win to strengthen the new bond with NOAH.
SHAWN: The X Division title will be defended in a best of 3 falls match between Low Ki and the new X Division Champion, Sonjay Dutt. This should be a great match but seeing the love they got in India and the distribution deal with Sony, I see Dutt walking out of Slammiversary your X Divison Champion still.
SEAN: I’m still confused why Low Ki is dressed like Hitman from the video games. I’m even more confused as why someone would wrestle while wearing a tie. A long red tie. It’s just begging to be used against yourself. I see Low Ki getting his belt back. We’re no longer in India, so it’s to the producer position for you Dutt. Hope you do a better job with the X Division than Hurricane did. I miss the X Division of old. This car crash spot spot spot spot multi-man match nonsense is best left to the under card opening matches in New Japan.
SHAWN: The battle of the wolves. Davey and Angelina Richards versus Eddie and Alisha Edwards in … full metal mayhem??? Ok. I can dig it. This should be an interesting match, Sean. I hope there is blood and as a Boston boy I’m rooting on the Edwards family to walk out of here with the W.
SEAN: “Violence, for the sake o’ Violence.” IF there is one match on this card that is going to be beyond physical? It’s this one. Eddie coming off an injury as these two guys have more bad blood between them to fill the Impact Zone. But lets not forget former Women’s Champ Angelina or Alisha. These two women can and most certainly will, beat the living hell out of each other. The Wolves are better together than apart. But I do think Davey wins in the end.
SHAWN: Why the random pointless tag team matches? I mean, I get the stories but there are literally four tag team matched on this card. Why? This one pits the Impact Grand Champion (boy, do I hope they do away with this horrible title) Moose and his partner, NFL superstar, DeAngelo Williams (seriously???) against Chris Adonis and the best thing going in TN… Impa… err… GFW today, E… LI… DRAKE!!! We all know with Williams in this match it has to the faces that go over, even though Drake should be pushed to the moon. Oh well–I’m used to bad Impact booking.
SEAN: you don’t bring in an NFL star and have him lose. Pac Man Jones is a former Tag Team Champ. This is the “let’s hope to get on Sportscenter” match. All these men deserve better than this. Bad Booking? In TNA ? this is GFW brother! Of COURSE they wont put over Eli. Dummy, yeah!
SHAWN: Another unification match is going to see the GFW Women’s Championship unified with the TNA Knockouts Championship when Sienna faces off with Rosemary — another match I’m not too excited over. Scratch that. I’m not excited at all over. I’ll be getting more beer during this one. But if I HAVE TO pick one, I’m going with the demon Rosemary walking out the new unified Women’s… err… Knockouts… ummm… She’ll be the champ.
SEAN: Beer? gimmie two. Two for each hand that is! I dig Rosemary, but I see KM interferring here and making Sienna the first new champ going forward. Someone needs to put KM in his place. He needs to make like a tree…and get outta here! Worst gimmick ever. In TNA. THAT’S saying something. This match will be filled with outside distractions. I’m sure of it.
SHAWN: We’ve got a strap match on the card with James Storm, the cowboy, set to face off with E-Signh-3… Oh wait, that was only for Mumbai. EC3, the golden boy around these parts. As lost as Storm is with no idea of what to do with him, this should actually be a pretty entertaining match. While I expect it to go back and forth, they’ll let Storm get with victory as he needs it more than EC3. They need to make Storm look good and nobody is better at that in Total Impact Global Wrestling, or whatever this thing is called now, than Ethan Carter the third. Period.
SEAN: What’s Impact wrestling without a Carter? Oh right. Ah, well… it is the 15th anniversary ….. oh who cares. James Storm is still kicking himself for not getting in at NXT — and as much as I dig EC3, he has been rudderless since the OWL took over. These two might put on the sleeper match of the night, but it really doesn’t matter. EC3 was the last great Impact Champion (Sorry Bobby), and James Storm’s reward for his loyalty? Bad storyline after bad storyline. But I do see the Cowboy riding off into the sunset on this match. Someone say something about longnecks?
SHAWN: The match I’m least looking forward to has to be JB and Joseph Park versus Scotty Steiner and Josh Mathews. Mathews has done a great job at making you hate him since this angle started but nobody cares. Nobody likes Park in this character. But I do have a feeling we’re going to see the return of Abyss in this match (didn’t he already realize that HE was Abyss like two years ago anyway???) and once Abyss shows up it’s all over for Mathews and Steiner.
SEAN: if this match doesn’t end with Steiner laying out Josh and JB pinning him, I will officially throw my hands up when it comes to Jarrett’s logic on wrestling booking. Scott Steiner has been a huge favorite of mine since way back when I was just drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer. But it’s been a while for Big Poppa Pump. I just hope this is over before my beer gets cold.
SHAWN: In the main event we get two champions that nobody cares about at all. Bobby Lashley defends the TNA Championship against the GFW World Champion Alberto Del Rio in a unification match that few could care less about. Triple B (bitch boy Bobby for those who aren’t in the know) has been atrocious no matter how hard they try to repackage him and get him over as a face. No wait, he’s a heel. Right? Or, is he a face again this week? I don’t even know anymore. It’s too confusing. Alberto says he wants to retire in Impact but I think that’s more because he’s burnt every other bridge he’s crossed and he has no other options left. Anyway, we’re going to see Del Rio walk out of here the new unified champion because Lashley has been champion for way too long and it makes sense to let Del Rio be the face of the newly packaged GFW. That is what Jarrett is going to be calling it right Sean? Let’s just call it Global Jarrett Action Wrestling and call it a day. I need a drink.
SEAN: I’ll drink to that! Alberto wins to usher in the new era of the GLOBAL championship. I have no idea what this company is officialy going to be called … but its still being run and booked by the same gaggle of idiots. TNA’s legacy isnt Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, The X Division. It’s that it has somehow surivied for so long with underutalized and underappreciated talent for so long thanks to some of the absolute WORST booking and PR work a company has ever had.