One year out of “vacation mode” in Los Angeles sure can beat you down. I was warned. I didn’t believe it. And it happened.
But for all the roller-coaster ride of emotions one has to endure in this City of Not-So-Angelic Clusterfucks, the few highlights sure are worth it: E3. Comic Con. Exclusive screenings of Avengers & Spider-Man. Watching my Wolverines snikt the Buckeyes at, well, my Ohio State bar of employment. Not getting pulled over by the LAPD has been a good thing, too.
Don’t forget I beasted over 70 pushups in front of a live TV show audience.
Oh, you missed that one? Don’t worry; no one saw me on “Desperate Housewives”, either. (Or “Criminal Minds”, or “Breaking In”, or… you catch the drift.)
And hopefully no one will see me on a pair of consecutive make-a-complete-jack-ass-out-of-yourself-in-wet-briefs-for-a-few-hundred-buckeroos this coming fall, too.
Hey, I auditioned for that when I thought I was 21.
Why do we do this? Why do we live day-to-day on Craigslist, searching for the next minimum wage to petty flatrate gig? To avoid doing what most good-natured U.S. Citizens would call real work? To pursue the dreams we once had before stepping onto this pile of goo, choking our no-med-insurance-selves out to smog? Wait, why did we move here in the first place anyway?
But it sure is purrty ourside. Clear blue skies. Easy breeze. Palmtrees. Mexicanos wacking our cigarette-infested sidewalks. Lucky people shredding some Goodyear on their way to work (ha, who am I kidding; nobody in this town works.) persistently tooting all the way down Franklin Ave. A Runyan hike does sound nice later, sure; but why get bowled over by a fake screenplay-reading Henry Cavill clone who just doused himself his first overpriced spray tan?
God, I love L.A.
While my neck turns from what to do on such a beautiful, lonely birthday (oh, shit. I gots to get ready for my lunchdate with a San Fernando couguh..), the High Priest of Popular Geek Culture ponders not only his overall lack of a dating life, but the overall lack of news and material we can present to our ever-growing and lovely congregation.
Thankfully, my lazy ass is saved once again by fellow clergypersons who plan on giving this month a piledriving Total Recall podcast and a Marvelous pair of personal pieces. Despite this August lull, God Hates Geeks promises to reflect on much of the cool shit we missed covering SDCC and TDKR like no one else with a low budget, no advertising and last-minute assembled Fantastic Four staff could as only we have.
Yes, I like hot cookie butter on my English toast.
But before I gives a heads up on what to give a flaming shit about in August, just remember the Moody man’s only doing this missionary for you. Fo’ da keeds. We want your Bridezilla-watching, Katy Perry Kardashian-loving asses turned over to the dark side. You know, where being a geek is now considered “cool.” Or, exactly the reason why I’m trying to gain back the 25 lbs. I lost living when I moved here nearly 2-years ago I can “ungeek” myself once again.
But, hell, we all know that ain’t happening. The ungeek part.
Regardless of where this next year will take me, I’d like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes (even if you send the same generic HBD messages to all 2,359 of your Facebook “friends” all year-round). Let’s see how many heartwarming, nonspeaking roles I can land on generic television the next 365 days; how many different “eclectic” restaurants I can work at in a 6-month span; and how many females I can meet who only want my broke Beantown ass to “further” their career.
Hey, like my beloved Red Sox Nation say, “there’s always next year.”
Oh, you didn’t think I was going to actually talk about real stuff? Like video games, superhero strips and sci-fi/fantasy movies? Come on! Here’s what the rest of August has in store for all you wannabe-nerds out there:
August 14, 15, 17: Sleeping Dogs (Square Enix) and Darksiders II (THQ). If all things go according to plan — they probably won’t — GHG should be the first to review Death’s mission to prove brother War’s innocence (I got the hookup, holla if ya hear me). Four Horsemen platformer, cometh. And the crime-saga formerly known as True Crime: Hong Kong is a game only bound to hear groans from Family Harmony. You’re in for a thrill if spinkicking streetwalking broads is your thing. But, hey, to make ya feel a little better, you’re also able to go all Lost in Translation on that ass, crooning the very best 80s New Wave karoake at will. That should make up for 10-12-plus hours of intense violence, I’m sure. Just a few months ago, Captain America scribe Ed Brubaker complained during a Hollywood Reporter Q&A that he wasn’t getting any Olivier Coipel art. Well, Avengers vs. X-Men #10 features both just in time to throw us into high-gear before the MarvelNOW redux. Hope and Scarlett Witch join forces; red-headed aspiring actress mutants rejoice! The Expendables 2 vs. ParaNorman? I’m guessing the animated take on Sixth Sense will plummet those nursing home grunts straight back to B-movieland, Metacritically-speaking, of course.
- August 21, 22: Transformers: Fall to Cybertron (Activision). Despite my love for nearly all things Decepticon and Autobot, I couldn’t help but feel a little unimpressed with the demos I played at both E3 and SDCC. The graphics engine is as dated as the almond milk by roommate fails to throw away, with the multiplayer reminding more of Nintendo’s Gradius than anything Mr. Bay unapologetically whopped onto the silverscreen. But everyone else seems to love it, so who the hell knows. The conclusion to Geoff Johns amazing first year on Aquaman (#12) sees Vinny Chase finally getting his revenge. Who is Black Manta working for? Probably Namor. That would just be cool. Then, let’s celebrate an Amazing 50th Anniversary of Spider-Man with an overpriced issue (#692) filled with back-up stories you won’t care to read!
August 28, 29: Madden NFL ’13 (EA Sports). But don’t get too excited. Aside from the middling review XBOX Magazine threw up in their new issue (the journalist thought the Vikings won the Super Bowl last year — nice one!), I was more pleased with my current copy of NCAA 13 than the Mad-shit I played at E3. Though, it must be said that quarterbacking will be a whole lot more fun this year. It just feels more intuitive. There’s also several hundreds (so they claim) of ways to catch the ball, but hopefully that doesn’t mean Julian Edelman will start snagging balls one-handed over impeccable Ravens coverage. Also, XBOX Mag commented once again on how droll the commentary and presentation is, and those are the minor things that seperates NBA 2K, NHL, and FIFA from all the rest. Why football and baseball video games constantly can’t get this aspect right defeats me. Though, there’s no way the commentary — even if Phil Simms talks about Tom Brady the whole game (hey, realism at its finest!) — can be worse than Gus Johnson’s name-butchering that was last year. Here’s also to praying for custom stadium music, too. How many times can one person listen to Lil’ Wayne’s “6 Foot 7 Foot” in one hour? Green Lantern Annual #1: “Everything changes! Everything!” That means Ryan Reynolds is back once again in the tidy greens for the Blackest Night-inspired film sequel, just with a new writing team, we hope.