Now that WrestleMania Weekend has come and gone, I’ve watched what I like, what’s intrigued me and even a couple shows with the extra credits I had on FITE TV. The first take I have from the weekend that was is FITE itself; it has the absolute worst streaming experience out of any streaming service around. Holy hot shit…
From not being able to use bonus credits on your laptop to not being able to send invites from your Firestick or Roku to constant lagging and buffering on your tablet or laptop (even when you’re not watching the event live and are just watching the replay), I… don’t know how this company is still in business. I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to watch something on FITE. So since the FITE app proved to be a pile of hot garbage, I decided, why not use my $15 credit and check out Joey Ryan’s Penis Party. It just can’t be worse than the experience FITE is giving me. … I’m not sure if I was right or wrong. But it kind of felt like this…
First off, I was watching NXT TakeOver at the same time, so while my main TV was streaming the King of Bros and the Velveteen Experience, my tablet was buffering through Su Yung tossing a giant bloody inflatable penis at Tracy Smothers. This made a horrible experience even worse. Luckily, weed is legal in Massachusetts, so I rolled up a joint and poured a glass of Hennessy and settled in for the long haul. O
Oh, I should have warned you there would be explicit content, but you’re reading an article about Joey Ryan’s Penis Party. Did you really expect PG? OK. So now that we’ve got a little bit of a backstory, let’s really dive into this thing. Head on…
Most of you know who the fuck Joey Ryan is and half of you probably hate him. His sophomoric antics have been the subject of countless wrestling debates and ended as many Facebook friendships over divided opinions. Some people think what he does — from the Boob-plex to the Penis Flip or ‘YouPorn Plex’, disrepects the business. Yes. The same business that saw Mae Young give birth to a hand and Triple H don a Kane mask and dry hump a corpse. The same business that brought us the Vincent K McMahon Kiss My Ass Club and saw Kaientai chop off Val Venis’ penis (“Choppy choppy your pee pee”). Yeah. Apparently he’s disrespecting that same business.
So given my knowledge of the history of the business, I was naturally intrigued to see what that history’s “black stain” would have planned for his first ever WrestleMania weekend event. Could it really be that bad? Would I be totally grossed out or turned off by the antics I was about to see?
The show started out with Joey Ryan coming to the ring with penis druids. It’s gonna be one of those nights. He thanked everyone for coming and got the show under way. The first match was an Inter-Species match. Nope. That’s no typo. Inter-species. It featured Mr. Iguana, who apparently thinks he’s an iguana. Complete with green face paint & flipping his tongue, he walked to the ring on all fours. What. The. Fuck. He would be joined by Chikara’s Green Ant of the Colony, Puma King, King Taurus (who wrestles with a bull-head) and Shark Boy. Then Sonny Ono appeared and waved out the suprise entrant, Ultimo Dragon. Really? In the very least this was an interesting match to start the show off.
Then Bestia and Arez 666 take on DJZ and Shigehiro Irie in what was actually a pretty damn good tag team match. After the opener, I was expecting a night of nothing but absurd antics. This was clearly the spotmonkey match on the card, though Z definitely put the kibosh on the nonsense since he just signed a deal with NXT.
Next on the card we saw the aforementioned Smothers come out to face Yung in what was a lackluster 15-minute shit-show; it left everyone trying to figure out what year we were in, hoping that Tracy gets his own show at next year’s Mania Weekend. Smothers delivered one of the best — and ultimately raunchy and explicit — promos of the weekend. I doubt there were even two full minutes of wrestling in this “match”. Let’s just say Meltzer would have lost his shit over this. Welcome to the Penis Party, I guess.
The next match wasn’t so bad, and it sorta got the fans to calm down a bit and enjoy some decent “wrasslin”. The Twisted Sisterz fought Demon Bunny (Rosemary and Demon Allie). There was a little bit of comedy and quirkiness here but that’s par for the course when it comes to Rosemary and Allie. No dicks or dildos though. If the show keeps up like this, I can deal with the joke shit every other match.
We’re told there is one more match before the intermission. That match was Timothy Thatcher versus David Arquette. Yeah. That David Arquette. Arquette was led to the ring by DDP, who did not stick around at ringside. Is this serious? Thatcher is going to beat the living shit out of the former WCW Champion. Despite going longer than expected, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Scream actor get twisted up and almost snapped in three. Two matches in a row with no penises. Perhaps this won’t be as bad as I thought! And as an extra bonus, I got to watch David Arquette get twisted up for 10-minutes.
So much for the intermission. I’m guessing that the commentators are completely lost on the schedule for this thing. Oh well. we’ve got a Penis Party Death Match featuring Detective Bill Carr & Dan Barry. They threw streamers at each other, with color guy and former ECW wrestler/manager Don Callis claiming he’s never witnessed a death match like this (maybe it’s a “death” matchcause you’ll want to kill yourself when it’s over?). I might have to agree. They beat each other up with inflatable penises, and one was even wrapped in thumbtacks.
Finally, a barbed wire bat was introduced and this match got serious. Good– you can suspend my disbelief for only so long. Inflatable penises aren’t going to hurt you; a staple gun was brought out and Barry’s penis was stapled to his pants. Wooden skewers were jammed into each other their heads. This match definitely wasn’t for the faint of heart. This is the kind of toxic, over-the-top excessive blood and violence stuff that the Jim Cornettes of the wrestling world absolutely hate. I grew up on ECW, so I this doesn’t bother me so much.
We get a longer than expected intermission after this one. At least it felt that way. I guess they needed to make sure everyone was liquored up enough. I would have needed to find a place to smoke another one if I was there. Luckily, I could take care of that in the comfort of my own home. And this thing is only half over…
The Iron Man Heavymetalweight Championship was now on the line in a delayed entry battle royal. Pinfalls, submissions and being thrown over the top with both feet hitting the floor resulted in eliminations. Danshoku Dino was the champ and the first entry and he walked around the ring and planted kisses on about a dozen guys. This match was where this show took a turn. If the first half was a 7 this match turned it up to about a 12. Face sitting, ass-to-ass humping, guy-on-guy kissing, inappropriate touching, faces in asses and a blow up doll. Here’s my one spoiler of the night. The fucking blowup doll, Yoshiko, won the title. The fucking blowup doll. I never watch DDT Pro, and this is probably why.
Next up we see Colt Cabana, Tommy Dreamer & Mike Babchik against the Best Friends, Chuckie T & Trent Baretta with Matt Striker. They made Jerry Lynn the special referee, with more comedy spots than wrestling. Thankfully this wasn’t nearly as bad as that God-awful battle royal. I think I need to smoke another one.
Finally a match that is sure to be great. The Lucha Brothers (who’ve been everywhere this weekend) were set to face the Newlyweds of Taya Valkyrie and Johnny Impact. The Newlyweds come out first and they introduce Impact as Johnny … Penis. But, credit where it’s due: this was a great match with a surprising finish. If you watch any of this show, the DJZ tag match and this one are the two matches to see. Unless you like penis and sexual humor, of course.
The Main Event of this one pitted the two most controversial individuals in wrestling against each other: Joey Ryan and Priscilla Kelly. Ryan had Sexxy Eddy and Val Venis on his team, while Kelly had Session Moth Martina and Scarlett Bourdeaux on her’s. Priscilla came out with a bunch of bloody tampon druids………….. Somewhere, Corny is breaking something.
The sexual innuendos in this match are insane. But I don’t know if anyone expected anything less than softcore porn. I mean, Joey Ryan was selling pictures with you holding his junk for $30 at WrestleCon. Seriously. I’d love to know how much they netted on that one. But since I’m not an erotic fantasy writer and this isn’t 50 Shades of Mania, I won’t tell you how this one went down; but I will tell you that this included condoms, bloody tampons, penis grabbing, busted nuts, beer drinking, gyrating, salad tossing, blow jobs, waxing and plenty of understood innuendos. I’ll just leave this right here…
…Yup. This is Joey Ryan’s Penis Party and it’s a trainwreck and a shitshow with a couple good matches squeezed in there for the two or three marks that actually came for wrestling. All I want to know is, what did I just watch?????
After the match, the arena broke out into a “Thank you, Joey” chant. Joey apologized to the wrestling world for what they just saw, thanked the ladies and thanked everyone for coming/cumming and told us he’d see us next year at Joey Ryan’s Penis Party 2. It was grotesque, crass, dirty, bloody, violent, toxic, shocking, offensive and everything purists hate about this kind of thing in the business. In other words, I loved it— even the parts I didn’t really like. This wasn’t a traditional wrestling show. This wasn’t TakeOver. This wasn’t the G1 Supercard. This wasn’t even Josh Barnett’s Bloodsport.
No, JRPP is the disaster you couldn’t possibly look away from. This was Joey Ryan, Priscilla Kelly and their ilk doing what they do: breaking the internet, shocking the world and making people puke in their mouths. Their WrestleMania Moment. Hell, I’d even consider it next year if I come down to Tampa. While in the end, you won’t catch me tuning in for this kind of shlock on a weekly basis — fuck, it’s not even worthy of a “star rating” — the Penis Party nonetheless proves that “it ain’t easy bein’ sleazy.” 7/5 Blow-Up Penises.