NXT TAKEOVER – PHILADELPHIA [Ringside Apostle Preview]: Meet The HEELite.

“Pastor” Shawn Puff

“PASTOR” SHAWN PUFF: Well it’s about time they got the bad guys together– I guess they didn’t think we’d be “PC” enough. Well, since my brother from another mother is away on Ring of Honor sabbatical(?), I guess we got the green light. Introducing the biggest heels in the Apostles!! Welcome to Meet The HEELite!!

Felipe “The 3rd Deacon” Crespo

“DEACON” FELIPE CRESPO: So this is what it took. Me sabotaging.. I mean.. Nothing, anyway, let’s get this started. It’s gonna get 2 sweeee.. No. There’ll be none of that crap here.

Kassius Ohno v Velveteen Dream

SHAWN: Oh no! … Fatshit Ohno. I’m soooo glad he got added to this one. I guess it’ll be good to see him lose to the artist formerly known as Prince Iakea… I mean the Velveteen Dream. Seriously though, someone needs to get this guy a dietician and make him cut his hair. What is he eating these days? Everything?? JR’s BBQ sauce is good, but come on. I’m just wondering when they’re going to at least make him put some pants on. The Velveteen Dream has some go in him on a more serious note. I think he’ll hold some type of gold in either NXT or the WWE at some point. I guess I can deal with Fatshit as long as he’s playing jobber to the future stars. But is there even a question as to who’s winning this thing?

FELIPE: The Dream deserves so much better. He’s so good, he made me interested in a rivalry/takeover match with a guy I hate (Hot Topic).. And now he’s going up against Johnny Craig? I get it, Ohno is a workhorse, he’s great for the up and comers in NXT, etc, etc, but Velveteen is arguably the best talent they have right now. Yet he’s at TakeOver again in a nothing match. He needs the win.

NXT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: The Undisputed Era (C) v The Authors Of Pain

SHAWN: Soooooo.. this is the last match in NXT for the Authors of Pancakes right? I’m super excited for their debut on the main roster. [I hope you can read sarcasm.] I liked these guys for a cup of coffee, but they’ve just kind of gone stagnant. I’m expecting more of the same when they get to the main roster. Sort of like the Ascension; although, they could get a good little program going with the Bludgeon Brothers–I guess. The Undisputed Era are going to run this division for a little while, and rightfully so. They kind of remind me of us a little.. In the end, the Undisputed Era will walk out of Philly still your NXT Tag Team Champions.

FELIPE: Agreed on the Era taking it. But they’ll need some fuckery from Cole just for the heat (and honestly, just for the hell of it). As far as the Authors go, do they even know how to write? Seriously, do they? Because their recent chapters are stale. They’ve gotten predictable and I’m just putting the book down. Rumor has it that the next book : “Main Roster” has them facing bigger and better guys that already have their gimmick.

NXT WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: Ember Moon (C) v Shayna Baszler

SHAWN: Why is it I’m always most looking forward to the women’s matches on TakeOver cards? Shayna Baszler has a bright future as does Ember Moon. This should be a fight. Shayna is a straight up brute and Ember has proven herself time and time again already. So let’s be real about this thing. It’s way too early for Ember Moon to drop the strap so I don’t see her getting a pinfall. On the other side of the coin, they just can’t bury Baszler like that either. I fully expect a great match and an all out brawl, with a no contest or Baszler getting the DQ. Get ready for part II at TakeOver: New Orleans.

FELIPE: I’ve always detested the “oh hi. You just got here, here’s some gold” treatment (looking at the first ever Ubiberstal chumpoopie, Chimp Bomplur). So, Femme Corbin might beat the crap out of the reigning, defending, Mortal Kombat Kosplayer, but she’ll retain.

EXTREME RULES: Aleister Black v Adam Cole

SHAWN: Ok. This one might be the match of the night. The smarks are gonna crazy for this one. Wet undies all around… and the female smarks will be excited too. Just.. I’m still not sold on this Aleister Black character. I know everyone loves him, but he’s just too much Undertaker meets Gangrel for me. The Fakertaker, if you will. Adam Cole, (BAY BAY!) on the other hand, is just money. He’s got future World Champion written all over him. I’m hoping this feud is just to pacify the smarks until they put Cole in the Main Event at NXT New Orleans.

FELIPE: I have an unnatural hatred towards that guy in college who wouldn’t shut up about how religion is a sham.. And how he’ll only listen to Black Sabbath on vinyl.. He used “sheeple” unironically.. He stopped listening to good bands once they got a record deal and would start calling them sellouts and posers.. Is a vegan that won’t shut up about it.. Gets his band shirts at Hot Topic (don’t care, do you), but swears they’re vintage (you lying liar piece of shit).. And would tell you the meaning behind his tats when drinking (even though you didn’t ask).. That’s Aleister Black.. And of Course that’s his name in NXT -his “last name” in the indies? End. Because why wouldn’t it be…

So glad I’m not the only Apostle that isn’t halfway up his ass like the rest of the wrestling world. Rooting for Cole. And anyone else that faces Hot Topkick in the future.

NXT CHAMPIONSHIP: Andrade “Cien” Almas (C) v Johnny Gargano

SHAWN: This is the main event??? Really??? How the hell does Almas have this title anyway?? And why the hell is Gargano in this match?? He lost about a dozen matches in a row and got put into the fatal four-way to name a number one contender? Why? Who writes this crap? Johnny Wrestling my ass. More like Johnny Jobber. I don’t even know what this match is happening. Hopefully, they use this to turn it around for Gargano and give him a little bit of a boost. He’s going to win this one right? I mean we both know he’ll just be a transitional champion until they put the strap on Adam Cole, but I guess it’s better him than that joke Almas. I still don’t understand how Almas even got a title shot. … Oh well. Onto the Rumble I guess. Johnny Wrestling better win this or I might riot.

FELIPE: I don’t disagree that Gargy has been on a huge losing streak.. But I love the guy. And it could’ve been worse. You know who was in that fatal 4way? That douchebag from college that I mentioned earlier. Also, as a Latino, I want to be excited about Cien Almas as champ; but, ironically, he has no soul. Just.. Meh. Meh Almas. Gargano always delivers, specially at Takeover matches. And Andrade.. Well, he gets to be in the ring with Gargano. Good for him!

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