WWE SUMMERSLAM 2019 [Ringside Apostles Preview]: The Bizzaro Party of the Summer!

It’s that time of the year again. The dog days of Summer are upon us and that means it’s time for the “Biggest Party of the Summer”, Summer Slam and of course, the Apostles have assembled to break down and preview the card for you. This year, we’re in the Bizzaro world known as Canada, so grab a Molson, hop on your favorite pool chair and get ready for our Summer Slam preview.

Cruiserweight Championship
Drew Gulak (c) v Oney Lorcan
Destiny “Evangelical” Edwards

Yet again, the match most likely to tear down the house is relegated to the kickoff show. Since I know you don’t watch 205 Live, here’s a quick recap: Drew Gulak cut a promo about how no one on the roster can touch him, Drake Maverick defeated Mike Kanellis to keep the latter from getting a shot at the Prince Memorial Championship, and then Oney Lorcan officially became the No. 1 contender after defeating Tony Nese, Ariya Daivari, Kalisto, Jack Gallagher and Akira Tozawa in a six-pack challenge. Oh, and everyone got some sweet matching tracksuits.
PREDICTION: It has to be Gulak. His character is the most over and he’s the one keeping the show going as its talent gets raided to fill the already-bloated Raw and Smackdown rosters.

Finn Balor v Bray Wyatt
“The Dean” Gene Selassie

I know what they’re trying to do. They want Bray to push and prod until Finn unleashes the demon. In theory, a good idea. But because these guys have been used the last 4-5 years to do nothing but help other people get over, putting them against each other right now was not a bright idea. Hopefully Bray doesn’t lose steam once he actually starts having to wrestle. Logical booking would dictate that Bray goes over (but this is WWE we’re talking about, so logic may have to go out the window).

Goldberg v Dolph Ziggler
“The Minister” Mike K

Memba when Dolph won the Title cashing in on Del Rio? Memba when he was getting a push with his crew of AJ and Big E …well times have changed and now he gets to be fed to Goldberg after weeks of working with the Miz, challenging Kofi and superkicking HBK to get cheap heat. Dolph has become irrelevant and has been used as a jobber. This match will be no different. Goldberg wants to erase his piss poor performance in Saudi Arabia and an extended squash is just what Vince orders.  PREDICTION: Goldberg in an extended squash.

Trish Stratus v Charlotte Flair
“Pastor” Shawn Puff

Why does the WWE love to bring back retired Legends for one offs? Nobody really cares about it. What does Trish gain from getting a victory in this one? Nothing. I get that a bunch of fan boys will be in heaven seeing Trish in all her glory once again, (Me… I’m a bunch of fan boys.), but we really don’t need this. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll be a decent match because Trish still got it. PREDICTION: At the end of the day, Flair is winning this one & you can take that to the spank bank.

Kevin Owens v Shane McMahon
“Father” #HeelSean Farrell

It’s the Prize Fighter vs. The Prize ! It’s the Greatest of all time …. scratch that… it’s the Sweatiest of all time vs Canadian Darling Kevin Owens ! Here comes the sweaty ! Sweaty – Sweaty ! Sweaty – Sweaty ! It’s the New Stunner Machine vs Sweat O’Mac ! What I’m trying to tip y’all off to is that Shane Sweats like he’s trying to win a game show on the surface of the Sun. Look, we all know KO’s career isn’t really on the line. He’s not going to lose here and (sweat) pop up on Wednesday’s come the first week of October. So the stipulation is dumb. Shane billed as the GOAT is dumb. They took the only McMahon people loved and turned him into X-PAC level heat (sweat). Kevin has flipped more than the Big Show at the point, and the WWE universe (sweat) loves him at best as a Tween’er. PREDICTION: So please Kevin, in front of your countrymen, Stun Shane like he hasn’t been stunned since Steve Austin took his ball and went home and call it a day (sweat). Thank you, in advance.

RAW Women’s Championship
Becky Lynch (c) v Natalya
Destiny “Evangelical” Edwards

Poor Becky. She lost the Blueberry Cheesecake Championship and then became reduced to her relationship because Seth spent most of his Twizzler’s Championship reign feuding with an Applebee’s shift manager who bitches about business going down because of millennials. After spending the better part of a year being the best thing about two shows, The Man is mostly a prop now, whose promos have started becoming boring and stagnant. And she had to share that 2K cover with Roman. Enter Natalya, the Tupac-and-cat-loving technician that gets trotted out whenever the women’s champ du jour doesn’t have a credible opponent because the Fed can’t figure out how long-term booking works. With more folks starting to win in their hometown (or in this case, home country), does Nattie have a chance?
PREDICTION: Nope. There are only two possible outcomes for this match: either Nattie taps to the disarm-her or Roomba Lousy comes back and attacks. Regardless, the Strawberries and Cream belt is going back to Davenport, Iowa—I mean, home with Bex.

United States Championship
AJ Styles (c) v Ricochet
Felipe “The 3rd Deacon” Crespo

Finally. The time has come. For these two warriors to battle. To clash. It is time for combat. The time for talk is over. It’s ALL over now. The time is now. Well, tonight.

In a match that would have smarks foaming at the mouth if it were in the indies, but now has them acting like they don’t give a phenomenal PHUCK about because it’s in WWE.

Expect action. Passion. More action. Hot seduction. Seriously though, these two are two of the best in the company, so it has the potential to steal the show. I’d count on a Gallows and Anderson interference since they aren’t doing shit tonight (why defend tag titles at a PPV?!), but either way, I don’t see Ric winning this back and forth match.  PREDICTION: AJ retains.

Smackdown Women’s Championship
Bayley (c) v Ember Moon
“The Dean” Gene Selassie

The build towards this match has been haphazard to say the least. Despite this, I’m still anxious to see it. Both women are great workers and deserve to be in the main event scene. Ember’s time is soon to come. However, the feud needs to heat up before the belt transitions to a new champion.

WWE Championship
Kofi Kingston (c) v Randy Orton
Anthony “PriestMode” Holloway
IG @Grumpykore

There’s a lot to be said when two veteran superstars showcase their skills at the midsummer classic in a WWE squared circle. Let’s take it back a couple years ago. These two had a rivalry that was must-see TV and if this match is done right, this could turn out to be a pretty good rivalry again. The viper has some left in his tank and is worth the price of admission. He doesn’t have very much left to give but he’s going to give it all. Both Superstars have a mean streak and this could be a Knock out drag-out fight or it could be a really good wrestling match … PREDICTION: I see Orton walking out with the Championship. Technical and maybe brutal at times but 1 RKO outta nowhere can end it anytime and it’s going to happen on Sunday!

Universal Championship
Brock Lesnar (c) v Seth Rollins
“Pastor” Shawn Puff

Well a lot of the IWC is upset with Brock winning the Universal title again. “He’s gonna hold the title hostage.”, “He doesn’t care about the title.”, “He’s never around.”, “There goes the Universal Title.” … You know it’s a work right? Stop working yourself into a shoot and understand he doesn’t decide all of that. Now let’s focus on how horribly annoying and douchey Seth has been this run. The whole “The man’s man” gimmick has been vomit inducing (I’m looking at you, Dana Warrior). He’s been EXTRA whiny. And someone needs to take away his Twitter privileges too. Has there been another Summer Slam match that’s been cared about less? I will admit that this feud has given us the single best beat down of the year on RAW when Brock tossed The King Cuck around and whooped that ass. That was great. So now Mr. Whiny is GUARANTEEING that he walks out of Toronto with the Universal strap. I mean… they DO sell them at the concession stand, so Becky could buy him one with her winnings. PREDICTION: But here’s the bottom line, when the smoke clears one man will be standing and it will be STILL your REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED UNIVERSAL CHAMPION THE BEAST INCARNATE BROOOOOOOCK LESNAAAAAAAR!!! And that’s not a prediction. That’s called a spoiler.

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