THE WOLVERINE [Review]: Logan’s Run.. Shall Only Continue.

If this movie isn’t ya confirmation that superhero movies are here to stay, then I don’t know what the hell else to tell ya.

You see, Bub, being the Wolverine ain’t so easy. I’m hurt. I have nightmares. Damn grizzly bears ain’t afraid of me, and neither are vicious broads. Sure, I might be damn near invincible; my adamantium skeleton and extraordinary healing powers makes sure of that. But, look, pal. My heart ain’t invincible. I can’t stop thinkin’ about Jeanie since, well, shit, you know.

Damn — these kids even do their homework inside the casinos.

It hurts.

And, now.. Now, there’s another one who infects this already shattered heart with a virus. Leaves me all damn vulnerable to things like bullets and blades. Good one. Even that Yashida Clan kung-fu chop to my left shoulder left a mark. Some fucker is really puttin’ Logan through the brink.

That someone…is James Mangold.

Shit, we even share the same first name. Of course, you’d never know that unless you had the grapefruits — or, what they’d call ignorance — to hear about that durin’ my “Origins.” You know, those 2-hours of Ray Donovan chasing me around town, surrounded by a bunch of aimless action figu.. mutants. Weapon X.. mutants. So, when I give Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) some lip, it’s okay. It’s just me, this deranged tongue lady — who’s no Shiva, but fuck it — and the damn Samurai, who I thought’d be much, much smaller, kids. For all of that nonsense, I’ve Jimmy to thank.

Can’t all be perfect.

Told you to wipe that damn chocolate off your face the last time.

Those little dark demons aside, Mangold (3:10 to Yuma, Walk the Line) may even be my best friend. He’s a guy who actually cares about what I’ve been through; actually cares about the source material, and offers more than just respect for Mr. Claremont and Mr. Miller. There’s even shades of Logan in here by that “Under the Dome” writer, Mr. BKC, but you ain’t heard that from me. No, punk. Just tell Mr. Mangold that good ol’ Wolvie got his back. Even thinkin’ about dodgin’ retirement Past the Future of Days, despite all these stab wounds and sword gashes not even The Bride could handle.

Hey, it was nice to get back to Tokyo. Lots of pretty lights, lots of pretty girls (Rila Fukushima is one of ’em, and a redhead to boot), and lots of prettyboy ninjas and yakuza thugs to toss around. Each frame in each o’ these battles show these theater-goin’ creeps why I’m The Best At What I Do — and what I do is fight (or play an angry, somewhat hairy Canadian runt at the movies; codename Hugh Jackman; shhhh…).

And, I gotta say.. these film fellas did their best at capturing the classic essence of The Wolverine. Mangold even made me look good — more physical (retooled claws), more mental (less 80s rock hair), more rangy (finer humor and believable drama) — despite still no use of the mask (which mighta went well with the whole Ronin ninja deal and all.. just sayin’). In this flick I bring the lethal assault from all angles, as close up as you’re gonna get. It don’t got any of that flashy editing crap, either.

Look, bub, this classic, near noirish Wolvie tale comes with them.. modern sensibilities.

They even got Redheads in Asia. Immortality ain’t so bad afterall…

Don’t forget to park ya butts when the credits roll, too, brats.

Finally, someone decided to show off my world-class berserker rage. The head-bustin’ choreography (guess I been hangin’ around that blue furball Hank for too long) was somethin’ else. I’m sure hackin’ and a slashin’ can only go appealin’ these folks for so long. Attention span thing. It’s a tribute to Jimmy that I got my wits back about me, and let the, well, beast out the cage. Bullet trains, poison arrows, and even damn humanity couldn’t slow me down on my best day.

Not without my new “bodyguard,” anyway.

Only thing holdin’ me back — or keepin’ me goin’, pendin’ how you look at it — are the gals. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen, lookin’ her damn best) won’t let go. Even Slim’s girl has got me on a leash in my sleep. Thankfully, finally, met the boss I can put up dealin’ with, and barely: Mariko (Tao Okamato). Even though chasin’ Miss Tokyo Sunshine for a little when walkin’ wounded wasn’t exactly an ideal first date, I just can’t express it. They’re my kryptonite and I just got to, despite takin’ six trips for anyone to set me straight; with Comic Con tellin’ you kids last week that lady seventh’s on her way, too.

Thanks.

Bryan.

And, while I’m sure as hell happy this flight to Japan is over…

This thing ain’t never over. Simply ’cause, I am The Wolverine.

4 (out of 5) Snikts, Bub.

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