WWE GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE [Review]: The Meh-est Stage of Them All!

John Cena vs. Triple H

The crowd was hot for this opening match that didn’t really deserve the reception it got. Chain-wrestling is not Cena’s forte and this match felt less like an old-school contest and more slow and plodding, like a turtle wading in pudding. Cena wins after multiple AAs and an awful-looking slingshot into another AA. 2.5/5 Bibles.

Cruiserweight Championship: Cedric Alexander (c) vs. Kalisto

My personal match of the night, the cruiserweights put on a clinic. Unfortunately, even in Saudi Arabia, my beloved tiny men can’t catch a break with the crowd—the heat from the opener was completely gone here. Cedric retains after reversing the Salida del Sol into the Lumbar Check. This match was technically better than Cedric’s match against Mustafa Ali, but there was no emotional involvement for me, so it gets rated lower than the ‘Mania match. 3.75/5 Bibles.

RAW Tag Team Championship: Woken Warriors (c) vs. the Bar

This was a basic by-the-numbers tag match designed to put the Woken Warriors over and send my favorite Raw tag team over to Smackdown Live. It wasn’t bad, per se, just very predictable. 2/5 Bibles

US Championship: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Jinder Mahal

The worst match of the night featured the Modern Day Maharaja selling a Whisper in the Wind that Brother Nero missed by a country mile (look it up on YouTube). Other than that, this match is completely skippable. Hardy retains. 1/5 Bible.

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Bludgeon Brothers (c) vs. the Usos

2017’s Tag Team of the Year managed to get some offense in, but this match was all about continuing the dominance of the Diet Brothers of Destruction. With no Naomi around to distract the champs, they showed the Usos whose Day One is really H. 2/5 Bibles

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Seth Rollins (c) vs. Miz vs. Finn Balor vs. Samoa Joe

This was a decently-paced match with good spots, though it didn’t push the envelope as far as ladder matches go. That said, it was enjoyable and, especially with the rest of show in mind, it was a standout and even elicited “This is awesome” chants from the crowd. Rollins grabs the title and retains. 3.25/5 Bibles

WWE Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura

The vocals in Nakamura’s new music are hideous. This has nothing to do with the match; it just needed to be said. This was an okay match, not quite as good as their match at ‘Mania. It ended in a double count-out with some cool stuff on the outside, but overall, neither of their matches in WWE have really had the energy of their WK10 contest. Which is fine, as the Fed and NJPW work completely different styles, but it feels like they’re holding back. It’s a bit disappointing because we know both these guys can put on stellar matches and are capable of tearing the house down. 3/5 Bibles

Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Rusev

I know the joke is that now Vince is literally burying Ru-Ru, but I was excited for this at first. Even if it’s booked as a squash, a match with ‘Taker shows that Vince and company have at least a little faith in you. But then the match actually happened. The crowd was hype for this and ‘Taker hit all the important bits. The elated one got a fair amount of offense in and I chuckled a bit that the drama king was deposited in the casket with him. And we got actual fireworks at the end. 2/5 Bibles

Universal Championship Cage Match: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

This entire match felt like I was watching two 8-year-olds button-mashing in a crappy fighting game. We started off with a bunch of mediocre German suplexes—and an F5—followed by a bunch of Stupid-man punches and spears. Both men eventually go through the cage and hit the floor. Brock retains the Fruit-by-the-Foot belt. 1.5/5 Bibles

Greatest Royal Rumble

Daniel Bryan sets a record for sticking around the longest, Titus O’Neill has the greatest Rumble entrance of all time, an already-eliminated Fandango catches Breezy to save him from elimination (only for Breezy to still be eliminated two seconds later), Shane McMahon continues to insert himself into high-profile matches (#KevinAndSamiWereRight), Swoggle and Rey Rey get huge pops, a bunch of dudes get some hands and Braun wins an obnoxious-looking trophy and an eyesore of a belt. 1.5/5 Bibles

Overall Rating: 2.25/5 Bibles

Destiny “Evangelical” Edwards




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