WWE MONEY IN THE BANK 2020 [Smarkside Review]: Don’t Do That.

“Pastor” Shawn Puff
@ShawnPuffy

It’s that time of the year again. Money In The Bank. One lucky male and one lucky female will be able to pick their shot and get a title match at whatever time they choose.

There surely has been some crazy MITB matches in the past. Out of the 23 cash-ins, 19 have been successful, one was a DQ, there were two straight losses and a no contest. This year is different. The briefcase will be suspended above the ring and the ring will be atop Titan Towers in Connecticut. What will come from this year’s edition?


KICK-OFF SHOW

Jeff Hardy v Cesaro

I feel like this match was obvious. After the build for Jeff Hardy‘s return, he couldn’t lose this one. It just wouldn’t make sense. More misuse of Cesaro. Can you just cut him and let him go to AEW? The wrong Hardy left. The one positive so far? No Sam “Sideshow Mel” Roberts on the Kickoff Show. This wasn’t great. It wasn’t horrible. It was par for the course. Cesaro never gets enough time, even on the Kickoff Show. – 2.5/5

Wait… MVP v R-Truth wasn’t a Kick-Off Show match??? So much for things making sense. Oh well, time for…


MONEY IN THE BANK

Lucha House Party v The Forgotten Sons v The New Day (c) v Miz & Morrison

Why are there so many multi-team matches all of a sudden? This tag division has been the weakest in wrestling for a while. It’s always good when Johnny Drip Drip is in the building though. I still can’t get into these fanless matches— even of the wild tag team variety. It happened, it ended and it seemed rushed. I was disappointed. Oh well. Nothing to see here. Can we stop tag team clusterfucks, please? – 2.5/5

MVP was scheduled to fight R-Truth but Bobby Lashley came out and took his place. Maybe Lashley’s new manager is going to be MVP? We had a little comedy routine here before Lashley came out and before this happened. It was basically a glorified squash and a waste of time– unless this is the build to Lashley leaving Lana for MVP… No homo. – DUD/5

Bayley (c) v Tamina

Why is this even a thing? I don’t really know. Tamina is second generation and that’s where my good things to say about her ends. Speaking of Bayley, this is the perfect time to make a Peanut Butter Cup. Two parts Screwball peanut butter whiskey, one part Godiva chocolate liquor, one part Bailey’s Irish Creme. You’re welcome. Another lackluster match. I mean, Tamina is about as mobile as her dad was at the end of his career. The bell rang and it was too long. When are we getting Bayley v Sasha? They’re stringing this out way too long. – 2/5

Braun Strowman (c) v Bray Wyatt

Braun gets Bray and not the Fiend. Great idea. We don’t get a transitional champion and we don’t destroy either of their pushes. The best thing about The Fiend is that he can always be Bray and take the L. This match was better than the Universal Championship match at Mania but that’s not saying much anyway. They told a good story but this is one of those matches that could have benefitted from the crowd being there (OK– so pretty much every match that’s not the Boneyard Match or Firefly Funhouse could use a crowd). Maybe we can see the Fiend instead of Bray at SummerSlam, wherever that ends up happening… – 2.75/5

Smarkside Aside: So much for the Money In The Bank matches happening throughout the show. That’s what I get for listening to the hacks over at that rag site that uses Ringside in their name. Not sure if Meltzer reported it or not, but either way, it’s 8:15 and we’re about to get Drew v Seth. Corona Time is making WWE like the Bizzaro World, except the matches still suck. am I the only one that feels like this entire card has been severely rushed and underwhelming?

Drew McIntyre (c) v Seth Rollins

Drew and Seth to save the day. This was a great match. I don’t need to say the best match of the night because that doesn’t say much at all. This wasn’t Okada v Omega but given the rest of this rushed card, it would be 4.5+ stars in Japan. This one went about 19 minutes and they took it to each other. Definitely a surprise to see Seth shake Drew’s hand when this was all said and done. Could this be the end of the heel run for the Monday Night Messiah?? I really hope not. Face Seth Rollins is just goofy and annoying. Welp, I guess we’ll have to wait and see. – 3.5/5 bibles

So the women and men’s Money In The Bank matches happened simultaneously and my godhatesmarks was this bad. I get that the E wants to more “cinematic masterpieces” but a masterpiece this was not. For the fans of comedy wrestling, this was probably amazing. I hated it. Between the Undertaker room, John Laurinaitis, Paul Heyman, Vince McMahon, and a God damn food fight, I don’t even know why I bothered watching. It’s confirmed that Vince, in fact, DOES have a T-Rex skull on his wall. So that’s cool.

Nia botched moves because Nia botches moves. Good thing it wasn’t raining when they taped this.. wait… wet t-shirts would have made this dumpster fire so much more entertaining. I have so many questions:

  • Why did only Asuka, Nia, and Lacey Evans make it to the rooftop?
  • How did they get there before any of the men? Why did Corbin try to stop Asuka? Does he not realize it’s a different briefcase?

  • What in God’s name is Otis even doing in this match? Imagine him winning this thing? Might as well just put the belt on a blowup doll. He’s the least serious gimmick since Bastion Booger.
  • Is Rey Jr. dead? I mean, that roof is pretty damn high and Corbin tossed his ass over like he was border patrol sending him back over the wall.

This has to be the least socially distanced match since … HOLY SHIT! Otis won the men’s Money In The Bank. Is this WWE or DDT Pro? Asuka should have taken down both briefcases. What the hell did I just watch? The guy who convulsed and yelled “FOOD FIGHT!!” and tossed a tray of food in Heyman’s face is Mr. Money In The Bank. Why? I mean, who booked this shit? Oh well. That was a waste of a perfectly good idea.

Since these two matches took place simultaneously, I’ll score the worst Money In The Bank matches in history together. Good job Vince; I’m sure you were entertained. – 2/5x2

Didn’t I say I was done reviewing WWE for a while? Damn me. This was not a good show at all– unless you’re into comedy crap instead of wrestling. With only one good match on the entire show and clusterfuck shit show of a MITB cinematic journey through Titan Towers, this was a new low for the WWE since the COVID-19 epidemic. I was disappointed that it seems like SummerSlam won’t be happening in Boston this August because of social distancing rules. Now… not so much.

But at least we get Double or Nothing next week. It HAS TO BE better than this train wreck of a show. At least I have more alcohol to wash away the memory of this entire night. As for WWE’s Money In The Bank 2020, the actual matches were too rushed, the ending was a horrible joke, MITB may have been ruined forever. The one positive is that Rey Jr. and Hot Topic Taker aka Aleister Black were both tossed to their deaths by Corbin. But overall, there were insufficient funds. – 2.25/5 Bibles.

-Shawn Puff

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