TRANSFORMERS – AGE OF EXTINCTION [Review]: Oops!…Bay Did It Again.

Michael Bay, director of Transformers: Age of Extinction, played with The Goddamn Wu’s mind.

Again.

Like Britney, I got lost in the game, hit from all of Bay’s stunning cinematography, classic high-budget action, and explosions (with the use of a new IMAX 3D Camera), and it’s certainly not a shock that this Baybuster is the first feature film to use this newfangled technology. In true Transformer tradition, as well, the film serves as a “marketing masterpiece” with its well-placed, fun product ads that caused much laughter in the theatre.

The end result is a lot of action that will assault the eyes, ears, and body– without a lot of meaningful story. The opening sequence weakly connects the movie title and the incorporation of Dinobots that strays far from the original Dinobothology. After this, we’re abruptly introduced to Mark Wahlberg, as Cade Yeager and the Funky Bunch — a group of antique tech hunters and robot inventors who find and bring home an old beat up truck that resembles the classic “Battle Convoy”. Yup, that same hunk o’ metal that contains live missile rounds and multiple battle wounds.

Once they learn that their new purchase is really the alien Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), the group of robotic Good Samaritans are hunted — along with the Transformers — by the CIA black ops team lead by Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammar) and, creator of Galvatron, Joshua (Stanley Tucci). Lest we don’t forget rogue bounty hunter Lockdown, whose mutual goal is to eradicate all Transformers on Earth as they enslave, break down, and harness the bots’ technology to create their own human-controlled Robots (not so much) in Disguise.

Akon’s favorite bot, we thinks.

Talk about “a lotta strands to keep…in old Duder’s head,” not to mention the slew of great characters created by writer Ehren Kruger that were sadly left static. Multiple themes were also touched on and never flushed out, chiefly due to Bay’s passion for ridiculously long action sequences; you know, those that literally make people shake their heads and check their phones. And despite the fun of the few pop-up appearances of everyone’s beloved Bumblebee (whose mere presence on screen caused a roar of applause and laughter) — and fun product placement ads, like Tucci drinking a box of soymilk from a sippy straw — it was difficult not to be bored with bits ‘n pieces throughout the course of the film.

Well, at least up until the film’s “Hell Yeah!” moment occurs and demands absolute attention ***minor Spoiler alert; it’s in the trailer***: Optimus Prime bitch slaps Grimlock, grabs his horns, and — in military fashion — essentially COMMANDS his remaining Autobots (Bumblebee, Hound, Drift, Crosshairs, and Brains) to follow him and…avenge.. their.. species! This inspiringly powerful scene, accompanied by Steve Jablonsky’s rousing music, is sure to make true Transformer fans goddamn weep as they witness true leadership and badassery in action. This scene also made the time that The Wu waited outside for admission, wading through a sea of bratty children and screaming babies, and dealing with the seemingly never-ending battle scenes all the hell worth it.

Come on, ride the train. Hey, ride it!

It was this display of Prime’s great leadership that caused an entire generation to be so traumatized at his graphic death and deterioration in 1986’s The Transformers: The Movie. So, is it worth fanbots having to suck up the lack of story and heart and spend the green to see a glimpse of Optimus Prime get his ‘pimp’ on, make Grimlock his bitch, and watch him crush his enemies and see them driven before him?

“Uh-huh. Feel it! Feel it!”

Just remember, this film is so typically Bay, so don’t expect to struggle over the meaning of Rosebud. Expect, rather, to become diabetic from all of the eye candy, some nice performances (despite an underdeveloped script), shameless marketing ploys — some of which specifically targeted at the large Asian demo — and lengthy, explosive action sequences that will make your head reel. It’s a frackin’ robot movie, goddamit! Enjoy yourselves!

3.25 (out of 5) Dinobots.

[Special thanks to Paramount Pictures for giving military families a full sneak preview at the NAS Oceana Aerotheater. It means a lot that you support us and allowed us to see Optimus Prime (whose courage, honor, integrity, and leadership are inspirations to us all) in action.]

Transformers: Age of Extinction trumps theaters nationwide this Friday, June 27.