YOU’RE NEXT [Review]: Naw, I think I’ll wait some more…

Holy crap.

Seeing how this Father has been terribly swamped with work as of late (perhaps from all of the D23 backlash; thanks, Big D), I decided to hit the road for a theatrical triple threat: Elysium, You’re Next, and The World’s End. For the most part, it was a delicious movie sandwich. But, somehow, there was one ingredient that tasted like a far more than dated, moldy piece of boxed meat and cheese. Look, I loved Elysium (thanks Nicole for reviewing that one). The World’s End was everything I wanted and more (yeah, thanks Mr. Moody for cranking out that piece before I could). However, You’re Next… was…

Fuck that movie.

If you’re twerkin’ with me over on Twitter @themcphailure, you may have already read a bit of my ranting on this matter. The matter that.. if you want a horror/thriller without originality and enjoy cliched, dumber-than-dumbed down “entertainment,” then this is the movie for you!

Holy hell are these characters unbelievably stupid. I’m sorry, “unbelievably stupid” doesn’t describe them; how about mind-numbingly moronic. Jesus Christ, save me… I don’t even know where to begin with this level of idiocy. Every scene plays like so: “Look! There is a dead body! Better stay here and wait and not be with the others right now!” Of course, after all that sweet Oscar Mayer goodness, there is the “BIG REVEAL” or “twist” that they expose like 17-year old pickle relish to the audience.

My hands are shaking in anger just typing this…

While this movie may not be the worst horror movie I have ever seen (now, that’s scary!), I think I’d rather wait in line at the Hollywood DMV for another 2-hours than see You’re Next again. Every. Single. Thing… in this movie has been done multiple times before, but director Adam Wingard persists in showcasing elements he thinks are edgy, deep, and brilliant.

And, to think the novel was written by Greg Hurwitz (former Moon Knight/Punisher MAX scribe over at Marvel, and Detective Comics/Dark Knight author at DC), it’s a shame I have to give you all the Bad Word. Here’s a brief synopsis — and some spoilers — so you shall never waste your time being next.

A mother and father buy a fix-me-up house as the father’s retirement project. Since it’s their anniversary, they decide to have their now grown-up children join them at this house in the middle of the woods after years of not seeing each other. There are four kids. A son who is the know-it-all/judgmental/”audience-hated one” of the family (which every horror film has, who is also especially deserving of the “best” or longest death possible; but, even nuttier about this film is the poking fun at how long they make this one an especially long, pointless death. Hahaha…….fuck you.); the younger brother who used to be fat, but now skinny and proud (hmm.. sounds like someone I know); the sister in denial who merely wants everyone to be happy (awwww); then, the weird youngest brother (because no horror movie has ever done that before).

BUT WAIT!

Every single child has a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife! Yep, this idiotic family apparently found pathetic, self-degrading people to be romantically involved with. These exemplary beings include a rag-tag team of a liberal documentary filmmaker boyfriend, a “perfect” and loyal wife, a badass young girlfriend who dates older men, and a goth. Wow. Such fresh ideas. These 10 peeps are now stuck playing “This Old House” in the fucking boonies.

BUT WAIT!

One by one, these people are murdered (or run into wires at Barry Allen-level quickness…) by guys in masks. But not just any masks! Animal masks from Party City! Ooooooooh… Why don’t they use their phones? Oh, because the killers have a jammer, of course, you silly goose! (Or no service, since they don’t have Verizon.) Apparently, according to the film, you can just BUY one on the internet easily for $30!

BUT WAIT!

That would be illegal, as You’re Next was so ever kind to explain. Summing up the premise, the kick-ass chick thus takes things into her own hands and defends the house where even further shenanigans occur. Of course, all of this builds up to a big reveal of a twist! Oh boy! It’s akin to a slasher/horror being directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Here’s what sucks (well, everything, but yeah…):

-The blood looks fake.

-The characters are too stupid.

-The music editing was done by a very deaf child it seems; and the soundtrack itself kept repeating two songs on a speaker system that was… put on repeat? I should’ve brought headphones.

-The dialogue made me feel like a 16-year old girl being scolded by her parents after having my phone taken away.

-And, the acting made straight-to-video performances look Oscar-worthy.

-The movie has a 7.1 rating on IMDB and 80% at Rotten Tomatoes. And, you want to know what’s wrong with America?

The only thing scary about You’re Next was that my behind remained in the theater this long enough to tell it! But, hey, I can now say that I’ve been to hell and back. Finally, some more *SPOILERS* Let’s talk about that twist. How about the “weird brother” planning the murder of his family the entire time. Shocked? Even better, was that the reformed fatty planned it, too, but he’s the one now going out with the dangerous hot girl. Thus, he justifies the entire thing because.. well.. because.. he wasn’t making enough income.

Now, go see The World’s End before the world really fucking ends.

 

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