Dead Island: Riptide starts off with an escape. And, friends, that’s exactly what you’ll feel like doing within the first couple hours of play — hours you will certainly never, ever get back. This weak sequel, to what was an already addictive, inventive game, is nothing less than trivial.

Due to an overwhelming — and perhaps surprising – number of requests for a GodHatesGeeks review of this zombie-infested venture, your Marvel Apostle has been tasked with this undeadly request.

Shoot me now.

The original four survivors are back from Dead Island, just after they flew away from Banoi with the sureness of survival. Think again. A rip current pulls these unfortunates right back in with a shipwreck, obviously more zombies and…what is basically the exact same game, minus a couple tweaks. After playing through the original and all its bitter flaws, call me shocked when Riptide offered more traveling issues (i.e. placing my victim in a random swamp over the island), uglier pixilation and even more glitchedy-glitch fun.

And here I thought “sequels” were supposed to improve upon gameplay.

Logan got real fed up playing this game, too.

While Dead Island: Riptide does add a new character and some fresh weapon designs, I wouldn’t refer to any of these elements as substantial. This game can be summed up as yet another tropical environment infested with zombies, and like any dead thing left in the sun — it stinks.

Perhaps the biggest shift in this game from the original is the constant changing of locales. Players will venture out to beautiful beaches to overabundant swamps, ever so cozily from jeep to motorboat. Silly yet again, your boat will have no protective zombie-proof siding, and will actually feel slower than the darn zombies!

Who knew those things could go all Usain Bolt up in the current?

For those true-blue Dead Island fans, rest assured you will be rewarded for your extensive adventures from the previous game. Your level and skill sets do carry over, but your weapon knowledge and war-chest does not. Yes, unfortunately with that shipwreck, you will suffer from selective amnesia… forgetting where you placed all your weapons and basic survival knowledge, such as how to handle the swing of a baseball bat; you know, the sort of thing you learn first as a toddler (besides the word “no” – no?).

Thus, get used to the idea of impaling zombies with knives and sticks again!

Even with all those hours exploring the Caribbean for any weapons worth a damn (oh katana, how I miss you so), Dead Island: Riptide should barely qualify as DLC material. In fact, Riptide was supposed to come out as downloadable content until Deep Silver decided to get a little greedy and charge us all $50 for a story barely worth a $5 Redbox rental. Ah well. With all the subpar reviews that have hit the net for this game in the past month, I wouldn’t be surprised if Koch’s sub-publishers lost money on this one.

But, hey, if you’re a player who enjoys disappearing backdrops, Messiah Complex’d zombies who teleport out of thin air, and standard weapons that go ghost for no apparent reason, this Dead Island may very well be that dream holiday destination you’ve been looking for.

Now bite on that.

2 (out of 5) Bibles. You’d be crazier than a brainless zombie to consider this one.