Holy, Unholy Gang Bang! The Witches are back, this time with albino men in black and a Minotaur.

It’s Nicole “the Neophyte” coming to you live, perched up in a cozy guest house across the Hud, just minutes away from starting my first adventure with New York Comic Con. But, first, I had to get this primetime TV goodness out of my system before the spell shook my wits throughout the weekend. For last night was the premiere of Ryan Murphy’s super award-nominated American Horror Story third season, sub-titled this frightening fall as Coven.

Thankfully, AHS‘s first hour offered all of the disturbing debauchery fans are gleefully accustomed to. With much of the same cast in toe, it played like Hogwarts goes to Hell. And the writers don’t fail to play with the joke, serving an in-script nod to the School of Wizardry and Magic c/o the very talented Jessica Lange. Emma Roberts has been handed a role no doubt due impart to her boyfriend Evan Peters, perhaps make-up for that domestic violence squabble where ‘Quick Silver’ caught a beat down from her.

How I end up.. after sitting through all the NYCC panels Moody is dragging me to.

Kathy Bates is an amazing new addition to the cast as Madame LaLaurie, doing her best to channel the occult version of Leo DiCaprio in Django Unchained in its 1834 setting. Coven also offers some other welcome additions like Precious herself, Gabourey Sidibe. Both are formidable actresses in their every role, and it’s especially great to see the brilliant Misery actress back in action doing what she does best: scare the shit out of people. Bates plays mistress to a house of horrors so gory that it’s quite possible this level of nasty has never been witnessed on cable.

Every shot is dizzying and quite frenzy, enchanting viewers with every turn. Kudos also go to AHS‘s amazing make-up, effects, and set design peeps. It’s also noted that every setting is central to the plot of each season, as the producers have spared no expense in making AHS absolutely striking.

The lovely Taissa Farmiga is a welcome return from her 2nd season hiatus from the series. She proves to be a master of teenage angst and subtlety. It’s also nice to see Evan Peters and her on-screen chemistry once again, albeit short-lived. Farmiga is playing Zoe Benson and our introduction to witches living in modern times after the Salem Witch Trails. The writers are interestingly playing witches as an endangered species that are chosen for a special school in order to harness their power and maintain their breed.

You call that ‘Craft service?

Jessica Lange tends to the run the show on AHS no matter the character. This time the rangy actress is the Supreme Bitch in Charge, in a never-ending search for the fountain the youth. That’s her mere obsession, despite having the ability — nearly every season of “AHS” — to seduce a man more than half her age. Can’t fault granny for getting her groove on, yo; at any age, Lange’s still very stunning.

This third season follows previous suit in that the plotlines are never linear and continually open new doors to the dark side of American culture. This formula even leads to witches that come off more like mutants from Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters than students from Hogwarts; they have their own unique individual “talents” that appear at the stage when entering into their teenage years. Mostly, their powers involve a healthy dose of death and dismemberment that lead to the demise of a few men and I’m sure many more to come.

I don’t really want to spoil much for viewers that haven’t seen it, despite the fact there can’t be too many of you now. It’s fair to assume from this first episode that “Coven” will pack a fairly more cohesive storyline than the previous two incarnations. However, even at its most structured, this opener doesn’t fail to shock and surprise us in the most frightfully exciting way. Murphy, once again, plays on our deepest fears and darkest fantasies (within the “safe confines” of a FX series), continuing to give the horror genre a facelift and its competition a run for their money.

In the words of my fav B-movie hostess Elvira: Unpleasant Dreams…

4 (out of 5) Bibles.